life

How to Deal With Difficult Kids

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | December 3rd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: What do you do when your friends bring over their spoiled bratty kids to your home unannounced? I'm talking about parents who do not correct their kids' bad behavior and allow them to wreak havoc in someone else's home. Is it my responsibility to discipline their children? -- ANNOYED FRIEND

DEAR ANNOYED FRIEND: No, it is definitely not your responsibility to discipline their children. You may want to admonish the parents instead. I'm all for parents bringing children to friends' homes when they are invited to do so or when they ask if they can. But, to bring kids to your home without an invite (and then for those kids to be ill-mannered) is unacceptable. I would pull my friends aside if they did this to me and gently remind them that while you love their child/children (hey, we all lie sometimes) you would like a heads-up in the future so you can kid-proof the home. Let them know that you saw their kids playing with things that could be dangerous, and you wouldn't want little Olive or Milo to hurt themselves. Perish the thought.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don't be afraid to follow up. If you gave some people your business card and they said they would contact you, but they didn't, don't assume this means they aren't interested. We all get busy and overwhelmed. Instead, look them up on Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter and reach out to them. They will be flattered that you took the time to do so!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

She Sees Relative On a Dangerous Path

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | November 30th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: One of my husband's teenage grandsons from a previous marriage has posted videos of himself doing drugs -- weed and cocaine -- and drinking heavily on the Internet. I did not have the chance to show my husband the video of this boy doing cocaine (my husband wouldn't believe it because he didn't see it before it was removed), but I was able to show him the videos of the boy smoking weed and drinking right out of a vodka bottle at a wild party.

It is hard for my husband to discuss this with his daughter without divulging the source -- another child in the family. So, he has not mentioned it. Because she is not my biological child, I cannot say anything. But I am afraid that this disturbing behavior could have serious consequences. There is no guarantee that his daughter would do anything about it anyway because her husband is frequently drunk, and they allow underage kids to drink at their home.

Is there any suggestion that you have for an intervention? If not, it may fall onto my husband to bring this up, but he does not know how to approach the subject. -- CONCERNED STEPMOM

DEAR CONCERNED STEPMOM: It's overwhelming to think about what teenagers have access to today and how scary it is to think that not only are they making bad choices, but also those choices are being recorded and can come back to haunt them later in their lives. Many teens are unaware that potential employers look at social media as a way to screen job applicants.

In this situation, unfortunately, I'm not really sure there is much you can do. It sounds as though your husband has tried to do what he can, but this is about their family and their choices. If they allow their children to drink in the home with friends, that is potentially damaging to all of them. If their children and friends were to get caught, your stepdaughter and her husband could lose everything.

Anything that you say may just make you the enemy. Unless your stepgrandson gets drunk in front of you or is visibly intoxicated/under the influence of a drug, in which case you would have a reason to confront him and the situation, you likely will be looked at as a meddler, and your opinion won't be taken seriously. I hope your stepgrandson can figure this out on his own and wise up, but most likely he will have to hit a bottom -- like getting suspended at school or get arrested for underage drinking -- before it is seen as a "problem." Whatever he is going through, he has to go through it if it is ever going to get better, and numbing his pain will only prolong his inner torture.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Friend having an affair and you don’t approve? Father-in-law behaved badly at Thanksgiving and now you are afraid of spending Christmas Eve together?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | November 28th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: A male friend of mine befriended a woman who is married. In the time they've spent as friends, they seem to have racked up a pretty tight relationship, constantly going on dinner dates and spending time alone with no other friends around. When he's not with her, he spends his time texting her or talking about her nonstop. He gives gifts and sends flirtatious notes, too. The woman plans to divorce her husband, and my friend is dead set on a relationship happening in the near future. Others have said their cozy relationship smells of extra-marital affairs, but my friend says otherwise, and I struggle to believe him. My friend knows I don't condone cheating and knows our friendship would be over if that happened in his case. I've suggested he needs to cool off for a bit, but he fails to take my advice and continues sneaking around to hang out with her, going as far to say I'm not being supportive, and threatening to end to our friendship. I'm at my wits' end here. His lack of regard for me and shady character in this situation makes me question the type of person he is. He's not who I thought I became friends with. I fully support men and women being friends, but also know there's a fine line between friendship and flirting. Do you think that I should end our friendship? --AT WITS’ END

DEAR AT WITS’ END: Whatever is going on between them, it is better if you stay out of it. I understand that you are frustrated with your friend and the way he is behaving. I also understand that you don’t condone this behavior, but trying to give him an “ultimatum” of sorts really isn’t going to do much besides create a bigger wedge between the two of you. I would recommend letting this play out however it may and try to avoid passing judgment. We have no idea what her marriage is like. Maybe her husband is abusive and she has found solace in your friend. Maybe she has been miserable for years and is too afraid to let go. I’m not trying to make excuses about why someone would have an affair, but I think it is always easier to look from the outside in and project our thoughts and feelings on to a situation that we know nothing about. He clearly knows where you stand, so for now, let it go and let the chips fall where they may.

DEAR NATALIE: My father-in-law behaved so badly at Thanksgiving that I am cringing at the thought of spending Christmas Eve at my home. He would not stop talking about (you guessed it!) politics at the dinner table. It was to the point that my mother, who is a living saint, actually told him to shut up. It turned into this big thing and now I don’t know what to do for the holidays. My husband told me I just need to suck it up and deal with it, but I am so tired of having to be the one that ignores other people’s bad behavior. Why should I suffer because his dad is such a mean person? --YOU’RE A MEAN ONE

DEAR YOU’RE A MEAN ONE: Your husband is probably telling you to “suck it up” because that is how he has most likely dealt with his father throughout his life. You ignore the bad behavior, you cringe on the inside, you deal with the fact that this is your dad and it that isn’t going to change. What is really frustrating about this situation, however, is that your father-in-law is allowed to make everyone else feel uncomfortable, and yet no one is allowed to call him out for it. He’s a bully. Bullies push people around and only respond to strength. I give your mom credit for standing up to him, even though she probably could have handled it a bit more tactfully. I would just play it cool on Christmas Eve, but if he says something rude or insensitive, you have every right as the host of the party to tell him that you don’t appreciate unkind words being said on such a festive night. If he can’t control himself, he can leave.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: See someone by themselves at an event? Maybe they are a little shy and need a friendly face to help them get out there. Introduce yourself and extend a hand. You may just make a new friend.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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