life

Why Do Guys Peacock?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | November 2nd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I want to know why is it when guys are in a group (and they start hitting on me and my girlfriends) they decide to puff up their chests and verbally berate one another? Do they think that by degrading their friends this will somehow turn us on? This happened (again) recently at an event I attended, where two guys were talking with me and the one kept putting the other one down. I felt bad for the other one and ended up talking to him instead of the guy who "liked" me, which then made him get upset. So, he started berating me. Any thoughts as to why guys act like this? (I'm 24 and these guys were 28 and 32. The younger one was doing the berating). -- CONFUSED SINGLE GIRL

DEAR CONFUSED SINGLE GIRL: Call it posturing or call it "peacocking." I've seen this and experienced it myself in the dating scene. Some guys seem to think to get a girl's attention they have to be cocky, rude or arrogant. Maybe it works some of the time, but you have to ask yourself that if he is acting like this in front of people, what is he like behind closed doors? I am not surprised that the younger guy was the one doing the berating. I often feel that some young men haven't really been hit in the teeth with life too many times yet, and they are riding high on their arrogance balloon. But, once it pops, suddenly they are a little more humble, a little nicer and a little less awful to be around. I'm sorry that he berated you. If anything, it showed you immediately who he was and gave you an easy reason why you wouldn't want anything to do with him. I judge people that I meet in social situations in two different ways: How do they treat the waiter, and how do they treat their friends? Are they supportive and kind? Friendly and willing to have an exchange of ideas? Or, in this case, did he think that the quickest way to your heart (or other places) was via a cocky attitude? Some guys act like this when they are insecure and afraid of rejection. And if he's that easily frazzled, what will he be like when life actually takes him to task?

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: If you are at an event to network, don't eat the appetizers while you are mingling. It's hard to have a conversation when someone has a face full of sliders or spinach stuck in their teeth. Finish your networking first, then chow down.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Broke up with boyfriend and now regretting it? Found out your engagement ring is a fake?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | October 31st, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I made a big mistake three months ago with my (now) ex-boyfriend. I’m 28 and he’s 30. He wanted to move in together, but I didn’t think we were ready. We had only been dating a little over a year. Since our relationship wasn’t “heading anywhere,” he dumped me two months later. I never wanted to break up and I have been really upset about it for months. He hasn’t been seeing anyone else, or at least I don’t think so, and I was wondering if you think it is a good idea to try to get him back? I am willing to move in together, but do you think it is too late? --MISSED OPPORTUNITY

DEAR MISSED OPPORTUNITY: Sometimes, it is all about timing. In this case, it was just the wrong time in your life for that next step. I believe in second chances, and if you both want to give it another go, then go for it. Having that time apart has made you realize that you did want to be with him. Just ask him to get together and share what is on your heart. Be prepared that he may still feel hurt by what happened, but time does heal. He may have taken this time to reflect on his feelings, too. If he hasn’t seen anyone since your break up, it may be because he wasn’t ready to really let you go. Since you are ready to move in, a one year lease is a good way to see whether this is the real deal before you decide to buy a home together. Give yourself four seasons to learn about what it is like to live together and then take it from there. Remember, open communication and trust can do wonders for a relationship, but having the same vision of the future will enable you to go the distance. This time, it seems as though you are on the same page.  

DEAR NATALIE: I recently got engaged and went to have my ring insured. He looked at my diamond and told me that it was actually a cubic zirconium. I was truly embarrassed. My fiance had surprised me with the ring and I cannot believe that he did this. When I confronted him about it, he just shrugged it off, saying a real diamond ring that size would’ve cost him a small fortune and what’s the difference, anyway? He said that the ring looks real, and my girlfriends will never know. But I don’t think he understands why I’m upset. I am upset because I feel lied to. I am ready to call the whole thing off. What do you think I should do? --FAKED OUT

DEAR FAKED OUT: File this under “bride-to-be-worst-nightmare”. Having your engagement ring turn out to be a fake is not exactly the way you want to start a life together. People may scoff at this and call you “shallow” or “materialistic” but the symbol of what this ring stands for is important. This is a symbol of your love and commitment to one another. To have it be a fake may make you feel as though your relationship is a fraud, too. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with a cubic zirconium. It’s the fact that he didn’t tell you that it wasn’t a diamond. He let you believe that it was. I wouldn’t want to start a life with someone who is so willing to lie to me to make things easier on himself. What else could he be lying to you about? I would think long and hard where to go from here. Personally, I would be edging towards the door.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: It’s easier than you think to build connections. While we isolate ourselves in the digital world, sometimes all it takes is a smile and “How are you?” to remind your neighbors that you can become friends, too.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Should Wedding Guests Bring Gifts?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | October 29th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My youngest son married recently, and as you know, weddings are truly expensive these days. Nonetheless, we wanted to provide a special day and had a lovely wedding. We painstakingly went over the guest list many, many times to assure that we kept to our budget and yet did not leave out anyone near and dear to our hearts that we wanted to share the day with.

Imagine our shock when we found several guests did not bring a gift. We reached out, thinking that perhaps a number of gifts had been lost or misplaced. Several of his "friends" did not respond, and so we knew the lack of a gift was intentional. Others stated that they had forgotten or still needed to send the gift.

Do you think these guests only sent a gift after they were "called on" their faux pas so to speak?

I take it quite personally that one would show up and partake of a free bar and fabulous meal without even a courtesy acknowledgement. Because we have now experienced hosting a wedding, we have heard where it is not uncommon for guests to show up and party all night and never bring a gift. I am still in shock at the crassness of people these days. And now for the most concerning question: My oldest son is getting married later this year, and I am on the fence if we should even invite someone who thinks so little of us to the wedding. I don't want to offend anyone, but I do think it is beyond comprehension for someone to show up empty-handed. What do you think we should do? -- WEDDING FAUX PAS

DEAR WEDDING FAUX PAS: Not only should guests bring gifts to the wedding, but they also should bring a card with a monetary gift. I would never show up to a wedding as an invited guest without a gift and card in hand. This is a special moment, one of the few sacred traditions left in our society that still means something to so many people, and it should be treated with respect.

I have one question for you, though. Did you put the gift registry on the wedding invite? That is a good way to ensure that people know where you are registered so they can get the appropriate gift for the bride and groom. Having assumed you did so, I can't imagine why anyone would show up without a present. (Even if it was coming late, write that inside your card to the couple so they know a package is on its way.) Weddings are very expensive, and while you chose to throw your son a beautiful party, there is a social exchange that happens. I do believe that your son's "friends" only sent gifts after it was brought to their attention to do so, which is sad in and of itself. This is the biggest moment of their lives and the idea that someone would RSVP, drink, eat and dance all night and leave without showing any kind of love for the bride and groom is rude, ignorant and warrants being put on the "not invited" list for the next big event. And if they ask why, explain to them how social mores are a thing, or send them a copy of Emily Post's "Etiquette."

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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