life

Wallflower Wanting to Date

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | October 8th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I need some dating advice. I feel like I'm ready to start dating again but am not sure where to start. I have a job with a consistent schedule so I think it would be easy to find time to meet someone. I keep hoping I'll meet someone at yoga or through volunteering because at least then I'd know we have similar interests. A few friends of mine have met someone through Tinder. But, I don't want to be addicted to my phone. I did try Tinder once. I've tried OKCupid a number of times because I also have friends who have had good luck with that, but I didn't like it. I'm on the shy side, so I don't really like blind dates or being put on the spot.

So, I need some advice on where to go/what to do. I have been making an effort to try new things and hopefully meet new people. No such luck -- yet! Please help! -- WALLFLOWER IN THE CITY

DEAR WALLFLOWER IN THE CITY: Sounds as though you are doing everything right. You are branching out beyond the scope of work to try to meet someone by doing things that you enjoy and that put you in a social setting. You tried online dating (and saw that it wasn't for you), so you have stopped putting energy into that to focus on other things. Being shy may seem like it could be an obstacle, but use it as a positive. Your shyness could give you a bit of mystery, which is always sexy. The next time you are out, keep these ideas in mind: 1. Make eye contact. See someone you like? Take a moment to see if you get noticed. Make a connection, give a smile and see if you get a response. If you do, inch your way over. 2. At a house party? Help the host/hostess by keeping busy. It's hard to be a wallflower if you are offering light bites to friends, and it gives you a reason to talk to someone you may be interested in. 3. Try an activity out of your comfort zone. Do something besides yoga that forces interaction. I like that you volunteer, but perhaps get involved in a charitable activity that attracts different types of people that will give you the opportunity to engage with others. 4. Don't put expectations on yourself. If you go out saying, "I have to meet someone tonight," you will feel frustrated or let down and may give off anxiety vibes, which could keep potential dates at bay. 5. Date yourself. In the meantime, just enjoy being with yourself, enjoy your freedom, but keep enough space in your life for a special someone to fit in. Romance will happen naturally. Just keep an open mind and open heart.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Who Should Move Out After Breakup?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | October 5th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend and I (we've been dating for about a year and a half) just split up two weeks ago but we are still living together. We just grew apart and while we both want to stay in the apartment, we can't afford it without the other person, and this is lending itself to some weird nights. My mom told me I need to just move out, but I think she should have to because it was my apartment first. What should I do? -- STAYING PUT

DEAR STAYING PUT: It all depends on how many more weird nights you want to have together. Do either of you have any prospects for a roommate? In order to stay in the apartment, the person who has a friend who wants to move in should be the one who gets to stay. I know you feel as though you have dibs on the space, but if both your names are on the lease, at this point the place is fair game. Personally, I would want a fresh start and wouldn't want to stay there because of the memories, but not everyone is so sentimental. The other thing you can do is both move out and find new places that you can afford on your own -- which is challenging in today's modern rental world -- or both agree to stay and just be friends. (And I can hear some of my readers snickering at that thought right now, especially if the space is a one bedroom).

At the end of the day, you have broken up. So, unless you aren't really ready to move on from one another -- you need to both move on. Ask her what her thoughts are on finding a roommate, and see who comes up with one first. Then, the other person will have to leave. But because it seems like an amicable split, perhaps whoever is staying could help the other with some moving costs, such as part of the security deposit, or helping to get a moving van. Some people might think that's weird, but a lot of relationships simply evolve and don't blow up. You can remain civil and friendly during this tricky situation and come out on the other side as friends(ish). But whatever you decide, do it now, not in two months. There is a shelf life to this, after all.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Sick of the L-Word

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | October 1st, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: What do you think of people constantly saying, "Love you?" They end phone conversations with it, they say it to random people when they first meet them, they say it to everyone. I think it sounds mechanical and ridiculous. We don't hold anything sacred anymore. Do you agree that we should use that phrase less and only for the people we truly mean it for? I think by devaluing the words, it creates a hollowness, and our world is hollow enough. What do you think? -- OVER LOVE

DEAR OVER LOVE: You're right. How dare people say "Love you" to each other. (Insert side eye here). Our world is far too mushy and gushy for people to just throw around such a phrase. While I agree that the words are sacred, I personally have no problem with people saying those magical words to friends, neighbors, new friendly faces, partners, family and pets. With all the chaos in this world, with all the hate and anger and divisiveness, you want people to refrain from saying "Love you"? I suggest you start saying it more often. Maybe it will soften your heart a bit and help you recognize that love is not limited. Only our ideas around it are.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Set goals on social media. Have 50 connections on LinkedIn for example? Set a goal to increase your connections to 100 in two months, and then take active steps to achieve that goal. Remember, it's not enough to be on social media. One must be present and engaged for it to benefit you, so take some time to up your game!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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