DEAR NATALIE: In reference to the question from last week's column about the abusive mother: What if what made the mother abusive was out of her control, and she sought counseling and worked on changing her behavior? She may have exhibited wounds and scars, and inflicted them onto her children. In this case, how does the abused child get past that and walk into a path of healing and forgiveness once they acknowledge the authentic wound of their mother? -- SEEKING PEACE

DEAR SEEKING PEACE: There are many things that are out of control in our lives, but the one thing we can control is our reaction. Over the years, perhaps this mother lashed out at her children because of her own issues, so absorbed in her own pain, she couldn't see or understand how it was hurting her kids. If the mother has worked on herself and wants to begin the healing process, then she needs to reach out to her children. She should apologize wholeheartedly, take ownership for what she did to them and not put any blame on them for abuse that they suffered. She also could suggest that they attend family therapy and engage them in honest conversations about the past.

It can be very hard for abused children to move past pain, especially if the abuser was a parent. They may feel angry for wanting to forgive the parent, afraid to do so because it may devalue how they feel. Acknowledging the wounds of their mother is one thing, but being willing to start anew is another. This mother should be prepared for her children to want to love her from a distance until they feel safe enough to move closer - if they ever do. This mother also should continue in therapy for herself to work on her own emotional responses so that if/when the time is right, she will be able to hear their pain without hurting them further. She should take small steps, build slow, be kind to herself and to them. She also should respect their perspective, acknowledge what she did and recover together to hopefully form a new healthier relationship.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Who says you have to wait to be invited to a networking event? Ask a few of your own friends to each bring a colleague you haven't met to a happy hour or potluck and get to know new people while helping others make connections.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend recently discovered that I have a webcam show online that I host to make money. It’s whisper therapy known as 'autonomous sensory meridian response' (ASMR). Basically, it means I talk in a soothing, calming voice to help people relax. My show is very popular and I’ve started making a little money from it. Well, he found out about it the other night when he was over and asked me what video work I was editing. He got completely weirded out by it. I told him it is non-sexual and helps people deal with their stress. I have helped insomniacs sleep and people with anxiety feel better! Plus, I enjoy it and it could prove to be lucrative for me. He said it wasn’t “respectable” for me to do this for a living. I also work as a freelance photographer and part-time at a restaurant. I told him that I’m a good person. I just don’t think he understands. He’s much older than me and sometimes acts more like a father than a boyfriend. What should I do? He wants me to stop the show because he says I’m “embarrassing him and myself.” But I really enjoy it! Thoughts? -- CAUGHT ON CAMERA

DEAR CAUGHT ON CAMERA: While ASMR is not everyone’s cup of tea, you certainly aren’t hurting anyone by posting those videos on YouTube. If people find it to be entertaining or helpful, what’s the big deal? What is it that he doesn’t find ‘respectable’ about it? It sounds more like a generational thing than anything else. I would try to explain it to him again and even have him watch one of your shows. If he still finds it completely creepy and weird (some people do!) then just tell him that this is your thing and he doesn’t need to be involved in any way. His personal feelings, however, don’t give him the right to tell you what to do or how you should make a living. Everyone is always so quick to judge others but in all honesty if this is the worst thing that he can dig up on you online, I would say you are in a pretty good shape. Instead, he should work on cultivating a healthy, loving relationship, one in which he embraces and respects who you are. If he can’t do that, tell him in a soothing whisper, to get out and stay out.  

DEAR NATALIE: My friend Liza is always trying to upstage me. I get a new car, she gets a new car. I get new jewelry, she gets new jewelry. I go on a fun vacation with my husband, she goes on one with hers to basically the same place. It’s really starting to annoy me. I told my friend Jennifer how weird it was and she went behind my back and told Liza. Now Liza is mad at me for talking about me to Jennifer and now Jennifer is siding with Liza. I feel like I’m back in middle school. Any thoughts on how to fix all of this? I like Liza, I just want her to stop copying me. I also like Jennifer, but she shouldn’t have said what I told her in confidence and used it against me. Help! -- MEAN GIRLS

DEAR MEAN GIRLS: Wow, it sounds like you have a really fabulous life. Cars, jewelry, vacations...maybe if you focused on all of those wonderful blessings in your life and focused less on what Liza is doing you would be in a better place. So what if she copies you? Why do you care that someone is clearly inspired by your lifestyle and wants to experience it, too? How does that really impact you? Stop worrying about what others are doing and just have fun with your friends. Maybe she is jealous. Maybe she is looking for attention or wanted to impress you. By talking behind her back, you’ve now involved another friend in all of this which could have been avoided. Instead of being mad at Jennifer, maybe take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are causing drama in your own life. Call up Liza and apologize for talking behind her back. Then call Jennifer and apologize for involving her. Then count your amazing blessings and work towards giving more of yourself. Maybe that will inspire Liza to do the same. You can volunteer together and realize that the best things in life aren’t things at all.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Commitment is key. Yes, it is easier than ever to cancel plans, but when you commit to making connections, the follow through is the most important part. The next time you say you will be somewhere or do something, do it. Be a person of action that other people respect.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: I am seriously stuck and it stinks. I am so angry at my longtime boyfriend. About 90 percent of the time I have this amazing man. He gives me everything I need -- love and attention and he supports me. Then there is this other side to him after he drinks. This is when our relationship gets killed. I recently had to take a second job and I asked him if this would be an issue with his drinking, and if he could try to come home after work instead of going to the bar, especially if I have to work later than him. The drinking -- which is down to about once or twice a month -- is only a problem because we don't have the money for nights out and he becomes irresponsible. He falls asleep on trains, gets into fights, and most of the time I have to come and get him -- or worse -- I have to pay his tab, baby-sit him and never enjoy myself.

I have tried leaving. I have tried talking. I tried negotiations. I am just fearful that this is going to start a trend of when I am at work he gets to act like a jerk. I don't have time or patience left for this. I am all about working this summer and focusing on me. I don't see why this has to be the thing that breaks us up. But this is the only thing we fight over. It is a respect thing. I am not staying because I'm afraid to be alone. I've been through worse in a relationship and survived. It is that the other 28 days of the month he is great. But how can I make him understand that the lies and waiting until my back is turned are dumb and destroying our trust? -- TICKED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR TICKED IN PITTSBURGH: Sounds as though your partner has an alcohol problem. There definitely is a correlation between his alcohol use and his poor behavior. You stated that he is your longtime boyfriend. Are you choosing to stay boyfriend and girlfriend for other reasons, or are you unconsciously afraid of marrying him because you don't want to take on this burden in a more permanent sense?

He sounds like a great partner, but this isn't a small "quirk" that you can easily get beyond. Is he willing to go into counseling or rehab to save your relationship? You may want to consider an ultimatum. Either he gets help for his issue -- which is causing you intense emotional, physical and financial stress -- or you walk.

It can be scary to be alone and single (and I know you said you aren't afraid of being alone). But, imagine what it would be like to be alone without all of this stress of dating a man-child who cannot take care of himself, who causes you sleepless nights, who creates negative situations that you would not be in otherwise. You said something interesting in your letter: "I don't have time or patience left for this. I am all about working this summer and focusing on me."

You have answered your own question. You have nothing left to give to this. You need and deserve to focus on yourself. He has to decide what is more important, the bottle or your relationship. The fact that he gets violent when he drinks also troubles me. If you were my sister or my best friend, I would tell you to leave and never look back. You deserve a relationship that enhances your life, brings out the best in you both and doesn't drain you. Life is too short to try to fix people who would rather wallow in being broken.

If you do choose to stay, please consider Al-Anon.org for your own support.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)