DEAR NATALIE: I am seriously stuck and it stinks. I am so angry at my longtime boyfriend. About 90 percent of the time I have this amazing man. He gives me everything I need -- love and attention and he supports me. Then there is this other side to him after he drinks. This is when our relationship gets killed. I recently had to take a second job and I asked him if this would be an issue with his drinking, and if he could try to come home after work instead of going to the bar, especially if I have to work later than him. The drinking -- which is down to about once or twice a month -- is only a problem because we don't have the money for nights out and he becomes irresponsible. He falls asleep on trains, gets into fights, and most of the time I have to come and get him -- or worse -- I have to pay his tab, baby-sit him and never enjoy myself.

I have tried leaving. I have tried talking. I tried negotiations. I am just fearful that this is going to start a trend of when I am at work he gets to act like a jerk. I don't have time or patience left for this. I am all about working this summer and focusing on me. I don't see why this has to be the thing that breaks us up. But this is the only thing we fight over. It is a respect thing. I am not staying because I'm afraid to be alone. I've been through worse in a relationship and survived. It is that the other 28 days of the month he is great. But how can I make him understand that the lies and waiting until my back is turned are dumb and destroying our trust? -- TICKED IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR TICKED IN PITTSBURGH: Sounds as though your partner has an alcohol problem. There definitely is a correlation between his alcohol use and his poor behavior. You stated that he is your longtime boyfriend. Are you choosing to stay boyfriend and girlfriend for other reasons, or are you unconsciously afraid of marrying him because you don't want to take on this burden in a more permanent sense?

He sounds like a great partner, but this isn't a small "quirk" that you can easily get beyond. Is he willing to go into counseling or rehab to save your relationship? You may want to consider an ultimatum. Either he gets help for his issue -- which is causing you intense emotional, physical and financial stress -- or you walk.

It can be scary to be alone and single (and I know you said you aren't afraid of being alone). But, imagine what it would be like to be alone without all of this stress of dating a man-child who cannot take care of himself, who causes you sleepless nights, who creates negative situations that you would not be in otherwise. You said something interesting in your letter: "I don't have time or patience left for this. I am all about working this summer and focusing on me."

You have answered your own question. You have nothing left to give to this. You need and deserve to focus on yourself. He has to decide what is more important, the bottle or your relationship. The fact that he gets violent when he drinks also troubles me. If you were my sister or my best friend, I would tell you to leave and never look back. You deserve a relationship that enhances your life, brings out the best in you both and doesn't drain you. Life is too short to try to fix people who would rather wallow in being broken.

If you do choose to stay, please consider Al-Anon.org for your own support.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: After several years apart, I'm in a place in my life where I have the opportunity to spend more time with my sister, her adult children and now their children. It's been wonderful to spend this quality time together. But I'm perplexed about one thing: she often invites my ex-boyfriend to some of our family gatherings. We dated for several years when we were in our 20s. It was a difficult split, and we went our separate ways after. I've now been married for 40 years and have grown children of my own.

My ex is my sister's family's electrician, and I guess over the years they've all become close. I've tried to be understanding and just roll with it when he was at my nieces' weddings, their kids' baptisms and a Christmas party. Those are, after all, occasions that tend to have large and varied guest lists. But I was surprised to see him at a small Mother's Day brunch my brother-in-law hosted for my sister, my nieces and me earlier this month. (My ex is single and childless, and his mother isn't in the picture.) It made me feel uncomfortable, plus it was challenging to make conversation. I also felt sorry for my husband having to spend the afternoon dining with my once-serious boyfriend.

My sister is renting a cabin for a family camping trip this summer and has invited my family to join hers. When I asked sort of jokingly if my ex would be coming along, she said yes (and she wasn't joking). I want to continue spending more time with my sister and her family, but it's awkward for me and my husband when my ex is invited, too -- especially at smaller gatherings when he's the only one there who's not a relative and it's more difficult to dodge him.

I find myself wanting to decline her invitations in order to avoid him, but I do want to accept them. Plus, I don't want want her to think that I don't value our relationship. On the flip side, I'm nervous to bring up the ex-boyfriend thing because I don't want to come across as controlling or stubborn. After all, she's free to invite whomever she wants to her parties and vacations. What should I do? -- ELECTRIC SHOCK

DEAR ELECTRIC SHOCK: This is weird. While people may often get close to others who work with them for many years, inviting the electrician to an intimate Mother's Day brunch is bizarre, especially considering that this is your ex. But, because you have recently rekindled your relationship with your sister, I understand the need to want to tread lightly.

The fact that you were very serious with this man (even though it was a long time ago) and are uncomfortable being around him (especially with your husband present) should be reason enough for her to think about when and if she invites the electrician on vacations or to family functions.

Talk to her about your feelings and this upcoming vacation. It's one thing to have to sit and stare at him awkwardly across a brunch table for a few hours, it's a whole other thing to be sharing a cabin with him. Say something like, "While I completely respect your friendship with (ex-boyfriend/electrician) I would really feel uncomfortable spending an extended amount of time with him. What can we do to remedy this so that I can come with you on vacation and spend time with our family?"

This way it makes her part of a solution, not part of your problem. There are some ways you can deal with this: 1. Rent a smaller cabin nearby so you don't have to wake up to the ex in the morning. 2. Plan your own trip and invite her on it (instead of waiting on an invite) so that you can create the guest list and he doesn't have to be on it. 3. Grin and bear it at the cabin and just avoid him as much as you can without being rude. 4. Take him on a hike and "get lost" and come back without him. I kid, I kid!

Whatever you decide, remember that your relationship is a two-way street with your sister, and you have every right to stand up for yourself and tell her how you feel.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My son is seven years old and has become very close with a little girl in his class. I have had her over for play dates, but I had only met her father, who seemed like a very nice man. When I asked to meet my son’s friend’s mother, however, the man chuckled a little uncomfortably and stated that his “life partner” was a man. They have been together for seventeen years and were recently married. He wants to invite my husband and I over for dinner and I am incredibly uncomfortable with this. My husband doesn't see what the big deal is but I don’t want to have dinner with them. How do I politely say no? -- KEEP IT TO YOURSELF

DEAR KEEP IT TO YOURSELF: I find it interesting that you seemed to like this man until you realized that he was gay. Instead of jumping to judgments about him and his husband, why not open yourself to the idea of becoming friends? Your children already like playing together and if your husband is okay with this, why can’t you be? Letting go of prejudice and bigotry will open the space inside your heart for friendship. While we don’t have to agree on everything, we can always choose to be compassionate and respectful of one another. Getting to know them in their home may just show you how much you actually do have in common and could soften the edges around this issue for you. At least give it a try. You have nothing to lose except those negative feelings holding you back from making some new friends.  

DEAR NATALIE: My sister and I had a falling out about ten years ago and the last time I saw her was at our father’s funeral where she made quite a scene. Well, recently, she was diagnosed with cancer and has been trying to reach out to me. I have no interest in mending things after how she behaved towards me and my family, but my wife thinks that I should put things behind me and move forward. I think she is just trying to be manipulative and will want to use me now that she’s sick. Why else would she reach out? -- CANCER IN THE FAMILY

DEAR CANCER IN THE FAMILY: Clearly you are deeply hurt by your sister’s actions from more than a decade ago. But forgiveness isn’t about her. It’s about you letting go of these feelings that are like an emotional cancer, threatening to take over your whole being. While she may be trying to manipulate you, she may also have had an epiphany when confronted by this life-altering event. Maybe she is feeling remorse or regret for the things she did to you in the past. Perhaps she recognizes that this life is short and she doesn’t want to have any bad blood with the people she loved. She could also see this as an opportunity to open a new chapter and begin again. Whatever the reason, you owe it to yourself to find out. If this is a manipulation, you will see right through it and can move on. But if it isn’t, and you choose not to speak to her and she dies, you may have some unresolved issues that will never be mended. Better to hear her out, put it all out on the table and see what happens. If nothing else, it’s an opportunity to get things off of your chest so that you can move on, regardless if she is back in your life, or not.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Let people know the best way to reach out to you. Some people prefer texting, while others like email. Some reach out on Facebook messenger while others use Instagram. While there are so many ways to communicate, sometimes we can miss important connections because we didn’t realize they had a preferred way to communicate. I prefer email, and when people reach out to me in other ways, I always redirect them to my address. That way, I’m sure to stay in touch and on top of everything in a way that makes sense to me. If you’re not organized, you can’t network efficiently!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)