life

Found out your son has a friend with two dads and you have a problem with it? Sister sick with cancer and wants to make amends?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | September 5th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My son is seven years old and has become very close with a little girl in his class. I have had her over for play dates, but I had only met her father, who seemed like a very nice man. When I asked to meet my son’s friend’s mother, however, the man chuckled a little uncomfortably and stated that his “life partner” was a man. They have been together for seventeen years and were recently married. He wants to invite my husband and I over for dinner and I am incredibly uncomfortable with this. My husband doesn't see what the big deal is but I don’t want to have dinner with them. How do I politely say no? -- KEEP IT TO YOURSELF

DEAR KEEP IT TO YOURSELF: I find it interesting that you seemed to like this man until you realized that he was gay. Instead of jumping to judgments about him and his husband, why not open yourself to the idea of becoming friends? Your children already like playing together and if your husband is okay with this, why can’t you be? Letting go of prejudice and bigotry will open the space inside your heart for friendship. While we don’t have to agree on everything, we can always choose to be compassionate and respectful of one another. Getting to know them in their home may just show you how much you actually do have in common and could soften the edges around this issue for you. At least give it a try. You have nothing to lose except those negative feelings holding you back from making some new friends.  

DEAR NATALIE: My sister and I had a falling out about ten years ago and the last time I saw her was at our father’s funeral where she made quite a scene. Well, recently, she was diagnosed with cancer and has been trying to reach out to me. I have no interest in mending things after how she behaved towards me and my family, but my wife thinks that I should put things behind me and move forward. I think she is just trying to be manipulative and will want to use me now that she’s sick. Why else would she reach out? -- CANCER IN THE FAMILY

DEAR CANCER IN THE FAMILY: Clearly you are deeply hurt by your sister’s actions from more than a decade ago. But forgiveness isn’t about her. It’s about you letting go of these feelings that are like an emotional cancer, threatening to take over your whole being. While she may be trying to manipulate you, she may also have had an epiphany when confronted by this life-altering event. Maybe she is feeling remorse or regret for the things she did to you in the past. Perhaps she recognizes that this life is short and she doesn’t want to have any bad blood with the people she loved. She could also see this as an opportunity to open a new chapter and begin again. Whatever the reason, you owe it to yourself to find out. If this is a manipulation, you will see right through it and can move on. But if it isn’t, and you choose not to speak to her and she dies, you may have some unresolved issues that will never be mended. Better to hear her out, put it all out on the table and see what happens. If nothing else, it’s an opportunity to get things off of your chest so that you can move on, regardless if she is back in your life, or not.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Let people know the best way to reach out to you. Some people prefer texting, while others like email. Some reach out on Facebook messenger while others use Instagram. While there are so many ways to communicate, sometimes we can miss important connections because we didn’t realize they had a preferred way to communicate. I prefer email, and when people reach out to me in other ways, I always redirect them to my address. That way, I’m sure to stay in touch and on top of everything in a way that makes sense to me. If you’re not organized, you can’t network efficiently!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Suggestions for Thoughtful Gift-Giving

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | September 3rd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I am attending my nephew's wedding Memorial Day weekend in Chicago. The wedding is Saturday night, and then on Sunday the parents of the bride are having everyone to their house for a barbecue. I would like to take the parents of the bride a gift, but what can you give them? I'm bored with the usual choices of flowers or dessert. I want to get them something different. I have already given bottles of wine from a local winery with personalized labels with the date of the wedding and such at their engagement party, so I do not want to do that again. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS BUYING GIFTS

DEAR SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS BUYING GIFTS: Because you already bought them bottles of wine (and what a sweet gesture that was), you could continue on that theme by buying them a set of agate stone coasters or a chic decanter. Or, since it is a barbecue, you could bring gourmet sauces and marmalades in a picnic basket with loaves of bread and cheeses, or some other barbecue-themed gift. Whatever you decide, personalizing it to their tastes is always a plus, and it is always nice to show up with something unique that the hosts will love but may not have bought for themselves. I applaud your thoughtfulness!

Networking Tip of the Week: You can tell a lot by how people shake your hand, and let that knowledge guide you in your conversation. A weak handshake may mean shyness or anxiety. So, take the lead and ask friendly questions to put them at ease. An overly firm grip may mean they are more aggressive and trying to impress you. So, let them do the talking and you do the listening. And if you are shaking someone's hand, try to be firm but not bone-crushing. Exude confidence but also make sure you aren't dominating the conversation, either.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Meddling Mama Ruining Son’s Dating?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | August 31st, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: Do you think it's wrong for a mother to be involved in her children's dating lives? My son is 25 and has a new boyfriend whom I don't like at all. I keep trying to set him up with other men, but he keeps telling me to stay out of it. I don't like the guy, and I'm not shy to say it. You are a mother's child no matter how old you are. Don't I have a right to give my opinion on his dating life? -- MEDDLING MAMA

DEAR MEDDLING MAMA: Yes, you have the right to give your opinion, but he also has the right to tell you to take a seat. He is a grown man. While he may be your little boy forever, to the world he is finally old enough to rent a car. That means, he gets to pick the guys that he wants all on his own. In all seriousness, the more you balk at the guys he likes, the more he will find guys that you don't like. Don't let this become a stalemate. Sit back, wait for him to ask for your opinion, give it gently and then stop talking about it. Most likely, he is just going through the pains of dating a few jerks before he realizes what else is out there. Don't push him into being oppositional. Wait it out, and then have that glorious moment when you can say (with arms crossed in a very mom-like fashion) "I told you so" before making him a big meal to drown his sorrows in. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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