life

Close friend set you up on a bad blind date...on purpose? Girlfriend keeps cheating and you keep taking her back. Why?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | August 8th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: Recently, a very close friend set me up on a blind date. She knows I am a vegetarian and she knows that I am an animal lover. I have two dogs that I rescued from a shelter and I work at a veterinarian's office. I say this because she set me up with someone who was a carnivore, hates dogs (he’s allergic) and basically was opposite of everything I like. We had a really awkward date and we actually ended it with a bad argument. It was a mess. I can’t believe my friend would set me up with someone like that. Why did she do that? I called her after the date and she laughed! She said she thought it would be funny and that I take dating too seriously. Now I’m really offended. How do I handle this? --BAD DATE, WORSE FRIEND

DEAR BAD DATE, WORSE FRIEND: Yikes! With friends like this, who needs enemies? While I’m sorry you had a bad date, what’s worse is that you had a friend who found humor in a bad situation that she intentionally put you in. I don’t know what your definition of “close friend” is, but when I think of close friends of mine, I think of people who love me for who I am, who nurture my positive attributes, and who are there when I need someone to laugh or cry with. But they aren’t the ones making me cry. I know friends argue, but I wouldn’t be friends with someone who puts me in harmful or negative situations on purpose for their own entertainment. That is pretty creepy and even sociopathic. If I were you, I would put this friend on ice for a while. If she wonders why, confront her about what she did and say that you need to rethink this friendship. Unless she can be supportive and caring, why do you need her in your life? The world is rough enough, you don’t need your “friend” making it harder.

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve caught my girlfriend cheating on me several times, but we always end up getting back together. I love her and I have a hard time letting her go. Every time we get back together, things are great for a few months, and then I can tell she is getting bored with me. Inevitably, she cheats, we break up, and cycle continues. Recently, we broke up again and I told myself I would not let her cry her way back into my life. What do I do to keep myself from making the same mistakes? Do you think people can change? --PUSHOVER

DEAR PUSHOVER: The question isn’t whether people can change, but whether you can change. She has shown you who she is and she has no reason to change because you continue to take her back. She is someone who thinks about herself and knows that if she cries on your shoulder, that manipulation will pull you right back in. She found your soft spot and is exploiting it so that she can have her cake and eat it, too. She sounds like she enjoys the comfort and security of having a steady boyfriend, but she obviously likes the thrill of cheating, as well. Cut. Her. Loose. Stop letting her play you for a fool. Yes, this is your tough love moment because you need it. You sound like someone who is kind, loving and forgiving. These are all wonderful qualities in a partner, but you have to be more discerning or you will keep getting hurt over and over again. End things for real, and then work on building up your own self-confidence so that when the right woman comes along, you will have enough self-respect to put up healthy boundaries from the start.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: You are never too old or young to start expanding your network. Whether it means going out one extra night a month to meet up with networking groups, or whether it means reaching out more to those in your social circle, get in the habit of making connections. We are not islands. We do better when we have friends, colleagues and people that we can count on. If you want to find that person you can rely on, be that person to others.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

She’s Sharing Apartment With an Ex

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | August 6th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. We decided to move in together almost a year ago, and since then, we have been arguing and not getting along at all. We broke up three weeks ago. The problem is we are stuck in this apartment with ONE bedroom for another two months until the lease is up. How do we deal? It's so awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I think he wants to get back together, but I am just not feeling this anymore. Help! -- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

DEAR TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: Yikes! If you are adamantly opposed to getting back together, I suggest you take turns sleeping on the couch or find a friend or family member who will let you crash one or two nights a week. 

I'm sorry that this has happened, but it has only been three weeks, so of course it will feel awkward and confusing. The fact that he wants to get back together certainly isn't helping the situation, and because rent is so expensive, you are kind of stuck until you can find a new roommate. That would be my other suggestion. Talk to him about both of you looking for other roommates. One could stay and take over the lease. 

With only two months left on your lease, you both should be looking for new places anyway. So make this your motivator to get out there and find somewhere new to live for a fresh start! And as an aside, be careful how quickly you move in with a lover in the future. Moving in together after only one year of dating may seem romantic, but it's important to think these things through. Next time, give yourself a little more time to learn about the other person before you jump.  

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don't be afraid to put out into the world what you want. Speak it, share it, explain your vision and goals to the people you are around. You never know what idea you could spark in someone else with your passion that could lead to something great for you both. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Is Your Single Friend Wedding Obsessed?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | August 3rd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: Is it weird that my best friend is wedding obsessed? She only talks about planning her wedding. She wants to go try on bridal dresses. She wants to go ring shopping -- but the weirdest part? She is SINGLE! She is 28, single and hasn't had a long-term relationship in a few years. Her delusional attitude is turning off a lot of my friends, and I am finding it really awkward being around her. What do I do? Should I say something to her? She is starting to weird me out. Plus, the last guy she dated was so creeped out by her he dumped her, like, after date three. -- WEDDING OBSESSED

DEAR WEDDING OBSESSED: Yikes, sounds like your friend really could use a bride intervention. There are women out there who are obsessed with not necessarily marriage but instead the concept of the fat and fabulous wedding. Well, many of these women find themselves disappointed by the result, their fairy-tale wedding never living up to their expectations, the man never living up to their ideal Prince Charming, their life not changing in the way that they thought it would, and they end up feeling miserable. So, what's a girl to do in your situation? Sometimes, you have to hold up that mirror. The next time she suggests poring over wedding mags together or dress shopping for a dream wedding, get real with her. Gently, start off by saying that while you love beautiful dresses as much as the next person, you find it a little bizarre that she is focused on a wedding when she isn't dating anyone. Instead, maybe the two of you can try a hobby together that is not wedding related, like yoga or a cooking class or something that you know she enjoys doing. Redirect her to things that build up her self-esteem, that aren't tied to dating and that get her to think about who she is as a person, not as half of a duo sitting on top of a cake. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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