life

Girlfriend has terrible fashion sense and you aren’t sure how to tell her? Best friend going through a bad divorce and hooking up drunk? What should you do?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | August 1st, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I love my girlfriend, but she is a terrible dresser. Every time we go out, she is either in sweatpants or puts together terrible outfits and looks ridiculous, like a kid playing dress-up. She has a great body, but never shows it off and she just doesn’t dress like the professional business owner that she is. We are supposed to go to a big client dinner for my work in the next week or so, and I am worried as to what she will wear to the event. Is there anyway to tell her that she looks bad and to get her new clothes without hurting her feelings? At this point, I would be willing to shell out a lot of money to buy her a new wardrobe. -WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

DEAR WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: Telling your girlfriend that she looks bad is probably not the line I would start with. Instead, why don’t you suggest a joint shopping trip and offer to buy her a new outfit for the client dinner? She may like that you are giving her a gift, and then might be more open to you picking something out. The other thing that may be going on here is that she simply doesn’t care about fashion or clothes or hates shopping. If this is the case, you may want to go out and select a few looks for her (in various sizes) to see what she likes. Have someone at a local boutique help you put something together and check her closet to see what size she normally wears in dresses and pants. Jeans are particularly tricky to fit, so steer clear of them. If she is not a “dress” person, try finding her a cool jumpsuit or a fun pair of pants with a couple of tops to choose from. But do not make this out to be like you are trying to change her. Instead, say something like, “I really appreciate the fact that you are going to take time out to attend this client dinner with me. I wanted to do something nice for you, so I picked out a few outfits for the occasion.” If she only likes one, save the receipts and return the rest. But who knows? Maybe she will like them all and keep them. Now you just have to find more fun places for her to wear them! If she acts insulted, tread lightly. She may honestly think that sweats are appropriate dinner attire and not get what the big deal is. If it comes to that, you may have to get a little more real with her. I hope for your sake that you don’t have to, but be prepared for her to bristle. In any case, remember that the woman you love is what counts, not what she wears to dinner. (But once again, sweats are just a bad look outside of the gym or living room!)

DEAR NATALIE: My friend recently got divorced and has been acting very self-destructive. Her husband had an affair and when he left, she fell apart. She has been having a lot of casual sex with random men and has been drunk most nights when going out to meet them. I am concerned because this is not in her nature. She was always the “good” girl. In fact, her husband was only the second man she had ever been with, and they got married at 21. She is now 30 and acting like a child. What should I do? She is my dear friend and I am worried for her. -- HOT MESS

DEAR HOT MESS: Sounds to me like she is making up for all the bad decisions most people get out of their system in their 20s. I wouldn’t pass so much judgement on her, if I were you, but I would encourage her to drink less. In fact, plan things outside of the bar, like going to the movies, to cultural events, to yoga in the park — whatever doesn’t revolve around drinking. She is probably drinking because she is incredibly sad about her marriage ending, and being cheated on compounds those feelings. She most likely feels betrayed, hurt, disillusioned and bad about herself. Doing things that are uplifting and focused on her, not on meeting new men, might make her feel more confident. There is nothing wrong with casual dating, but she needs to be safe and meeting men while she is intoxicated is a good way to make bad choices. If she continues drinking excessively, you may want to talk (gently!) to her about how wonderful she is, how powerful she is, and how this is a time for finding out more about herself. Dating is fun, but can be destructive in a time like this. She is entitled to enjoy herself and her new freedom, but encourage her to take a step back, slow down and think about what she wants to gain. She may be unaware at how this divorce is making her implode and a conversation with a BFF may be just what the doctor ordered.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Want people to invest in you and what you are doing? Make sure you are invested in other people. Think about the “we” and less about the “me.” This is a great way to expand your network and show people that you care about them. In return, they will care about you, too!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Friend Is a Constant Debbie Downer

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 30th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: We have a great group of girlfriends, but one is such a downer. No matter what we decide to do, she has a problem with it. If we go to a restaurant, she doesn't like the food. If we do a happy hour, she's unhappy with the location -- You get the idea. A few of my friends are sick of it and don't want to invite her anymore. So recently, we all went out and didn't invite her. She found out after looking at photos on Instagram, and now she is really hurt. I don't want to hurt her feelings at all, but how do I tell her she's just not any fun? -- DEBBIE DOWNER FOR REAL

DEAR DEBBIE DOWNER FOR REAL: This sounds like a "Mean Girls" scenario. It was really uncool to post photos on Instagram knowing very well that she would see them. Of course she is hurt because no one is real with her, and instead you are going behind her back and leaving her out. In any case, you should apologize for hurting her feelings. You can tell her that the girls were doing something that you didn't think she would be interested in, and you didn't mean to exclude her. If she says, "Why? What did you do that I wouldn't want to do?" use this as an opportunity to say in response, "Well, you don't like happy hour/restaurants/living/play with puppies and we didn't want to bother you." She may be taken aback and say something like, "But we go do those things together all the time." To which you can respond, "Yes, and you complain about them." See where I am going with this? You may be able to discuss the issue in a gentle way and in a way that may make sense to her. But cut it out with the Instagram until you clear this up, OK Regina George? 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

How Do You Get Out of a Bad First Date?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | July 27th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I recently started dating again after spending two years rebuilding myself following a pretty awful breakup. I've never done the online dating thing, but that seems to be how people meet each other now. I connected with someone on an app, chatted a bit and decided that it was best to meet in person so I could get to know the real him. He seemed perfectly fine in his profile, so imagine my surprise when I showed up for our drink and he had the worst oral hygiene of almost anyone I've ever met in my life. (Brown teeth, going black at the gums. One front tooth either completely missing or mostly broken off.) 

I went through with the drink in the interest of politeness, and he turned out to be a self-absorbed bore. Long story semi-short, lots of folks have told me I should have left quickly and not wasted my time, but I stuck around to be nice. 

My question is this: How do you politely extricate yourself from such a situation? I knew within 10 minutes that he was someone I didn't want to be friends with, but spent the next 50 minutes listening to him talk about himself because I had no idea how to leave without being rude. -- FLOSSER FOR LIFE

DEAR FLOSSER FOR LIFE: This reminds me of a "Broad City" episode where Abbi takes a fake phone call in the middle of a date from her "doctor" concerning "test results." Turns out, that's a great way to excuse yourself from a table, no questions asked. But, in reality, is it fair to ditch someone mid-date? There really are two ways to play this unfortunate situation should it happen in the future. One: You can be blunt. "I'm sorry, but instead of wasting your time and mine, I feel as though I should just be honest in saying that I really don't see this going anywhere. I hope you have a great rest of your night, and thanks for meeting." Then throw some cash on the bar to cover both your drinks (you are ducking out early) and run. Run like the wind. Or you can wait it out until you have both finished your drinks (you by mostly gulping) and say that while you had a nice time, you are heading out to meet friends and are already running late. 

He may respond and say something like, "Why would you plan to meet friends when you knew we were meeting?" to which you could reply, "I just thought of this as an introduction, not a date. I'm sorry if you had a different impression." And then run. Run like the wind. In either case, invest in good sneakers and meet somewhere very public. And the wild card option? Just meet men the old-fashioned way. Bump your cart into theirs at Whole Foods and live happily ever after. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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