life

Moody boyfriend making you feel badly about yourself?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 30th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend has mood swings and I think it’s just getting worse. I’ve been with him for five years and we've been fighting over little dumb arguments. It’s getting to the point where I really believe I’m being emotionally abused. Meaning: He makes me feel as though I’m always wrong and he’s always right. I’m walking on eggshells at this point and I don’t know what else to do. He refuses to talk to me in person so he’d rather text and these “conversations” are not going anywhere. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t know how much more I can take. Any advice?

-- SAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAD IN CALIFORNIA: This sounds like more than just moodiness. This sounds like someone who is hypercritical of you and controlling. My question for you is, why do you want to be with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself? If I were you, I would take some serious time to reflect on what it is that you want from this relationship and what it is that you are looking for in a partner. I know first hand how hard it can be to let go of a long-term relationship. It feels like a death that you have to mourn in order to heal and letting go is the hardest part. But, life is short. Do you really want to spend your time walking on “eggshells” because your partner doesn’t even have enough self awareness to speak to you about his feelings in person? I’m not discounting that he is in pain or that he loves you. I have no doubt that you love him too. But the question is: Who do you love more? Yourself or him? Self preservation isn’t the same as selfishness, and while I’m not telling you to leave him, I am saying that taking a step back to reevaluate this relationship may be a good idea. At the end of the day, I would rather be alone and content than with someone and miserable. Don’t stay just because you want a boyfriend. Don’t stay because you think you can “fix him.” And please don’t stay because you feel as though you are incomplete without him. You are enough. You are enough just as you are and if he doesn’t recognize that, then say “enough” of this nonsense and walk away.

DEAR NATALIE: As a man who considers himself a decent human, I have to admit that I was (and still am) shocked at the number of allegations coming forward from women since the #MeToo movement aimed at so many famous men. As someone in the art and entertainment industry, I want to support women but I’m not sure how to do that. I would never hurt a woman, but I feel like that’s not enough and I shouldn’t win points for not being a total creep. What else can I do? -- AN ALLY

DEAR AN ALLY: The only way things will change is for men to call out other men for this behavior. If you see or hear something, say or do something. You can also take other proactive measures like supporting policy changes that uplift women and families as well as support your local businesses that are owned by women. Become a mentor for young boys and men and instill in them respect for everyone. Learn more about intersectionality and how race, gender and economics play major roles in how we treat one another on the micro and macro levels. Read. Ask questions, but don’t expect women to do all the work for you. Things won’t change unless we each decide to make a change within us. I really like this quote from Rumi: “Yesterday, I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t take the bait. Sometimes, you may find yourself in a conversation where someone is trying to bait you to say something negative about someone else. Just ignore them. Don’t fall into a trap where you say something you will regret while giving someone else an advantage. Just like your mom always said: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212.

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Ignore Your Boyfriend’s Negativity

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 28th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I started working a new side business venture with a really amazing group of like-minded people, but my boyfriend is not supportive AT ALL. He doesn't think what I am doing is going to be profitable, and he doesn't have anything nice to say. We have been together for three years, and I've never seen this side of him. I'm not sure how to walk this line of making him happy but also doing what I feel in my gut will help me. Any advice? -- Biz Gal

DEAR BIZ GAL: Ever notice when you try something new or "out of the box" how quickly others are to pounce on you and talk you out of it? Our society preaches "free thinking," but in actuality many of us walk the line that the person in front of us has worn into the ground. I love the fact that you are venturing into new territory and taking risks! It's exciting and scary and makes you feel alive. If you feel in your heart and gut that you are making the right decision, go for it. Your partner (most likely) is trying to be protective out of fear. But guess what? Fear never got us anywhere. It doesn't change the world, and it doesn't change lives. It prevents people from living up to their full potential and keeps them stuck doing things they don't want to do. If your boyfriend can't get onboard, just stop talking about it with him until you can show him some positive results. Use his fear as a motivator to show him what CAN be done with positivity and a strong work ethic.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

When a Carpooler Makes Everyone Late

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 25th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and his co-worker recently began carpooling into work together to save on gas and parking fare because we live in the same city neighborhood. I also drive with my husband to my job two to three days a week. Although this sounds like a good plan, my husband's co-worker tends to be very tardy in the morning, sometimes making us wait up to 10-15 minutes for him outside his house. We always give him a 10-minute warning before leaving our house, even though it is the same time every day. I was even late for work a few times because of his tardiness. Initially, they were supposed to take turns driving; however, because of how late my husband's co-worker is, my husband now always drives. Please advise on how to address this issue without being confrontational. -- Tired of Being Tardy

DEAR TIRED OF BEING TARDY: Your husband's friend is just being inconsiderate. I wouldn't wait 10-15 minutes for him to find his way to his front door. Let him know you're coming, and if he isn't waiting when you arrive, give him a few minutes and then leave. Sound harsh? Well, it's pretty rude that he has kept you waiting over and over again, to the point of making you late for work. Someone needs a reminder that he isn't the only person in the universe. If he gets upset that you left without him, too bad. If he asks your husband why you left, he can explain that neither of you can afford to be late for work, and if the carpooling situation doesn't work for him, that's OK. You don't need to drive in together. This will either wake him up to his bad behavior and he will start being on time, or he can find his own way to work, alleviating everyone's stress. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Only exchange personal information/business cards if you have made a meaningful connection. This cuts down on the number of superfluous cards you leave with (wondering who those people are) and instead helps you focus on the quality of engagements instead of the quantity. Write a little note on the back of cards about what you connected on and what areas you can help each other in. This will increase your chances of forming solid and mutually beneficial relationships. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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