life

Wedding invitation faux pas has friend upset? Critical husband ruining marriage?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 7th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: It was my good fortune to marry a wonderful woman recently. A friend of several decades, who would certainly have been invited to the ceremony and dinner, made it known to me that he and his wife would be out of town on the day of the wedding. Consequently I did not send the couple an invitation as I did not want it to be seen as a means to prompt a gift, something that my wife and I discouraged as this is a second marriage for both of us. From interaction that we have had since, I have the impression that my friend feels slighted to have received no invitation. Did I do the right thing? -- ETIQUETTE MATTERS

DEAR ETIQUETTE MATTERS: In this case, I would feel slighted, too. Just because they couldn’t attend, that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t want to be invited. I would have sent the invite with a note inside saying something like: “We know you cannot make it, but we wanted you to know that we would have loved for you to have been there!” Now that it is over, just broach the subject with him and say something like this: “I feel like you may be upset that you didn’t receive an invite. We obviously wanted you and your wife there but didn’t want you to feel obligated to send a gift knowing you couldn’t come. That was my only intention behind not sending you an invitation. I hope you know how much we care about both of you and enjoy having you in our lives. I’m sorry if I made you feel badly.” He will probably be touched that you recognized and acknowledged his feelings, and hopefully you can then move forward and into a better place.

DEAR NATALIE: I have been married for 22 years. We have two boys who are the loves of my life. But, my husband and I are very disconnected and are constantly fighting. There is so much tension in the house, and I don’t know how to remedy it. We have tried couples therapy, but my husband always seems to shift our problems entirely on to me, which isn’t fair. He didn’t want to continue working on our relationship. While our children were growing up, I was the one raising them while he would undermine any disciplinary actions I would take. A lot of resentment and anger have built up, and to make it worse, my sons often gang up on me about the relationship. My husband is very critical of me, and I can never seem to do anything right. Can we save our marriage? I feel as though he doesn’t even try, and he won’t go to individual counseling, either, even though I have. -- ON THE ROCKS

DEAR ON THE ROCKS: You cannot dance alone. You cannot be in a relationship by yourself. If you are willing to do the work and he isn’t, then what are you trying to hold on to? I really don’t like that your sons are now following in this toxic pattern of behavior that your husband has started. Sounds as though he has emotionally abused you for years, and you feel as though you can’t leave, that you aren’t worthy of love. But you are. Even if you don’t believe that yet, you are worthy. Stop talking to your therapist about your relationship with your husband and instead focus on your relationship with yourself. Then, contact a divorce attorney. There is no reason to live miserably ever after.

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Networking can feel so sterile, so think of it as just making meaningful connections with like-minded people. That may take away the nerves and relieve anxiety around the concept.

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

‘Friends With Benefits’ Not Working

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 5th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I have a "friend with benefits." We have tried to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, and it was working really well until recently. One of his siblings suddenly died in an accident. He and his family are devastated. But, because of the nature of our relationship, I have pulled away, fearing that we will complicate things if I get too involved. He told me the other day that I was being "heartless" and "cold." I was just trying to give him space and not make it worse. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I don't want to get sucked into a relationship with him, either. How can I be there for him without that happening? -- Lost Benefits

DEAR LOST BENEFITS: These are those times in life when you should change your Facebook status to "it's complicated" because it is. While you may have hoped for an easy non-relationship (with all of the perks and none of the problems), the reality is life is messy. I understand why he called you cold and heartless, considering that you are pulling away from him in one of the most vulnerable moments of his life. But I see how you are trying to distance yourself as to not complicate things further. Your best bet -- if you want to salvage any type of relationship with him moving forward -- is to be there for him emotionally right now, but not physically. No more late-night hangouts until things have settled down. If he needs a shoulder to cry on, make it clear that you care about him but don't want him to think that you are anything besides ... well ... what are you exactly? If you want to be physically intimate with someone, you have to be prepared for the emotional intimacy that comes along for the ride (no pun intended). So take a physical step back but answer his texts and calls because what he needs most right now is a friend ... not a lover.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Engagement Rings at the Office

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 2nd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My friends and I are debating about something. They all wear their engagement rings to their professional-level jobs, while I choose to just wear my plain wedding band. They think I am nuts, but as a young professional woman, I find that I am taken more seriously at work without it. I feel that my employers will think that if I am wearing a flashy ring, it is a sign to them that I don't really need this job, that my husband can take care of me, and they will pass me over for promotions and such. I work really hard and want to be taken just as seriously as the men around me. Do you think this is crazy (like my friends do), or do you understand my dilemma -- Ring Problems

DEAR RING PROBLEMS: No I don't think you are crazy at all. In fact, I've never thought of this as a possible dilemma, but I could see why it would work against you in certain fields to "show off" a glitzy rock. It could be looked at as frivolous or, as you said, make them take you less seriously. Even though women always have been a part of the workforce, sexism (yes, I said it) always has existed in obvious and subtle forms. And while you can be both married and in the workforce, I can understand your underlying concern of being overlooked for promotions and such because of that fact (even though it is 2015 not 1915). I don't see anything wrong with playing down your personal life while at the office. You aren't hiding the fact that you are married, but you aren't flaunting your personal life or wealth while there, either. It is a savvy strategy, and if your office seems old-school enough for this to even be a thought in your mind, then you are doing what is best for your career trajectory. Your girlfriends just may not understand. So, just agree to disagree on this one.

DEAR NATALIE: It's been a little over six years since my husband died from cancer. I feel ready to date, my kids are out of the house, and I want to start a new chapter. I'm not yet 60 and feel I have a lot of life to live. But, my kids are not happy about me dating. My daughters (ages 22 and 25) feel as though I should wait longer, that it is somehow a betrayal. I've gone on a few dates in the past year, but the girls made me feel so guilty about it that I just stopped. I'm lonely, however, and I want to get out there. How do I do this without hurting my girls? -- Left Behind

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Your girls are being selfish. They are both out of the house, living their own lives, and they have the audacity to guilt you into a nun-like existence for the rest of your life? No thanks. I'm very sorry to hear that your husband died. It must have been incredibly hard on all of you, but you are still here. You took care of your family, and now you are on your own. And they want you to be alone because to them it's a betrayal to have dinner with another man? Only you know the relationship you had with your husband, but any loving spouse would not want to see his or her partner be lonely forever. You are allowed to find a new kind of happiness. It doesn't take away from the love you had with your husband. Your girls need to know that, but you also need to make it clear that now is the time for them to support you in this new chapter of your life.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Please don't overshare. When you first meet someone, the nerves can make it easy to just keep talking, but you don't want to tell your whole life story in the first five minutes. Keep your conversation upbeat and friendly and don't forget to ask questions! Networking is about building rapport, after all.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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