DEAR NATALIE: Recently, I slept with someone who I had just met. It was stupid, I know, but we both had been drinking and one thing led to another. We were at his workplace when it happened, too. Without getting into too many details (I don’t know who may come across this letter) I found out soon after that he had a fiance. I was really mad. Had I known he was seeing someone, I never would have slept with him. I called him out on this and he didn’t deny it. He didn’t even seem apologetic or worried about it. (And no, they do not have an open relationship). Well, this makes me really furious that he seems like he isn’t remorseful. I know someone that knows his fiance and I am so tempted to tell her what happened in hopes that she will tell his fiance. I don’t want to be petty, but he lied to me and to her. What would you do? -- CHEATING LIAR

DEAR CHEATING LIAR: It sounds like what is really bothering you in this case was your lack of agency about the whole scenario. You didn’t have all of the information that you needed to make a decision and instead felt a little “duped” by this guy. But, when you enter into a casual relationship, you have to be prepared that not everyone is going to be honest with you. That’s the risk you take, unfortunately. But, hey, everyone makes poor choices from time to time, and there’s no reason to beat yourself up over it. This guy is a sleaze and you most likely aren’t the first woman he has cheated on his fiance with. But should you tell her (even if it’s in a roundabout way)? I’m not sure. If I was the fiance, I would definitely want to know if I was being made a fool of behind my back, but not everyone is like that. Some people choose to turn a blind eye for whatever reason, and maybe there are dynamics in their relationship that you aren’t aware of. But, the little devil on my shoulder says that maybe he deserves a taste of his own medicine. I can’t make that decision for you, but I don’t think anyone would fault you if you told this story to her friend. Just be ready for a backlash towards you, as well.

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend has this habit of embarrassing me in front of our mutual group of friends by continually stating that he supports me financially. I have taken time off from working to go back to graduate school full time, and yes, while he is paying the bills right now, I am contributing in a lot of other ways to the household, from cooking, cleaning and taking care of his every little need. He finds it hilarious, though, to call me a “trophy girlfriend” and make fun of me to his friends about how “expensive” it is to live with me and how I don’t do anything. He also gets pretty misogynistic with his comments and what “women should do” for their men. Most of the time I brush it off, but lately it’s really been hurting me. I am not in a position to leave him, nor do I really want to, but I can’t handle the comments. He makes plenty of money, so it’s not like this is a financial hardship for him. What should I do? --NOT A TROPHY

DEAR NOT A TROPHY: How is it 2018 and this is still a thing where people think the only kind of contribution worthy of any kind of praise is financial? Cooking, cleaning, and other forms of caring for someone have always been traditionally seen as “women’s work” and therefore not regarded as “real work.” It’s that 24-hour-7-days-a-week kind of fun that never ends. So, if he doesn’t think what you do is important, stop doing it for a few days and see how he reacts. When his “maid services” stop, he may have to rethink his attitude towards what you contribute in the house. It infuriates me when people hold things over someone’s head like leverage. If he says jump, does he expect you to say, “how high”? Sounds to me like he is on a power trip and needs to be brought down to earth. I know a lot of people may disagree and say, “Well, you are being supported so you should be more supportive,” but I don’t think it is right to degrade or belittle anyone, especially the person you love, and especially while they are trying to do something to better themselves. If he becomes angry or frustrated when you go on “strike,” use this as an opportunity to lay some ground rules and boundaries. You are happy to help around the house while you are in school, but you need to be respected for your contributions, just as you respect him for supporting you financially during this time. Remind him, too, that this is a temporary situation, and your relationship could be, too, if he doesn’t start treating you with dignity and respect. Love is an action word, after all, and he needs to show you a little more of it.

DEAR NATALIE: I date a guy whom I know really well. Our relationship is not very conventional as we both have a lot of relationship baggage. I was in a very long-term marriage that was miserable and so was he. We have been taking the relationship very slow. We spend a lot of time together, go to dinner, date, go out with friends and travel for extended periods of time together. We spend all holidays together. However, neither of us seems to want to make a full commitment to each other and we are happy as we are. The problem for everyone is the fact that I have never been to his house. I don't care, but it seems everyone else has a problem with it. He spends most of the time at my house or we are out of town. We have been together more than a year and I have never really thought about it being right or wrong, I just never ask to go. I never had control in my marriage and I feel that this is giving me control. If I go to his house, I feel that I will be giving up something. The bottom line is that I am happy with how we are. I don't want to get married and I am not even sure I am looking for a long-term relationship. I just want to have fun and enjoy myself for the first time in 20 years. My family thinks he is married or hiding something. What do you think? -- CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: Call me nebby, but I would want to know everything I could about the person I am spending my time with, regardless of the level of commitment. It sounds to me like you used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. In this new relationship, you are trying to assert your power, and in your mind that means having fun in the moment. While it's fine not to label relationships or worry about where things are going, you should be concerned that you have never been invited into his home. I am not sure what you would be giving up if you did go to his place, but you have convinced yourself that there is a power struggle and that his home is a part of that. This could be a defense mechanism because deep down you may fear you'll come to the same conclusion as others who care about you - that it is a curious thing to never be in his space, especially after knowing him for a year. 

You don't need to jump to conclusions about him leading a double life, but after this long together a level of trust needs to be built in order for the relationship to be sustained (at whatever level that may be). In fact, you may be afraid deep down to know what is going on because you have been having so much fun. And I totally get that. 

Ask him if you can have dinner at his place the next time you are together (even if you don't have any intention of going over). Gauge his response. If he says something along the lines of, "Sure anytime!" then you probably don't have much to worry about. But, if he starts to come up with reasons why it isn't a good idea, be wary of that and definitely look at it as a big red flag. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am bipolar and seeking full-time disability because the illness [makes] me unable to hold a job. I am in treatment, but my problem is how do I respond when people ask me where I am working now or what I do for a living? I hate to just say, "I'm disabled," because they ask why; there is such a stigma surrounding mental disorders that I'm reluctant to tell them. What is a good way to answer? -- Wondering What to Say

DEAR WONDERING: Having worked as a social worker and therapist with a multitude of populations around the city, I have seen firsthand how these stigmas really can affect people's personal lives. I completely empathize with you and your situation. If anyone asks you about your state of employment, tell them you are taking time off for personal health reasons. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. You can also follow up by changing the subject and talking about your hobbies or things you would like to pursue while you take some time off - like painting, writing, exercise or volunteer work. Or shift the question back onto them and ask what they like to do in their leisure time to move the conversation away from employment. No one is living your life except you, and you don't have to answer to anyone or gain anyone's approval. Just be polite, vague and change the topic. Take care of yourself, and do what is best for you. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Cocktail parties are great places to network, and while a drink may help you loosen up, be careful not to overindulge. You want people to remember you for the right reasons and not for slurring your words. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: Four years ago, I found out my husband was interacting with women online from a dating website. He swore to me none of the women meant anything to him, and it was all merely physical. We went to couples counseling and began to rebuild my trust in him and our marriage, or so I thought. Recently, I was given copies of messages between a woman from that site and the pseudonym my husband used at the site. The messages were physically and emotionally intimate in nature. From what I can tell, his affair lasted for two to three years. That means my husband lied to me for all those years I thought we were rebuilding. He also lied during counseling and to the counselor, and to this day he will not admit he knows her or that he sent the messages. He claims he has no idea how his name got on the messages. My trust in him is gone. We have a young child. If not for my child, I would be gone already. My questions are: Do I believe the papers in front of me or his adamant denials of not knowing this woman? Do I stay in the marriage for my child, so she will not come from a broken home, or do I give her the best life I can as a single mom? I'm trying to make a decision that is best for my child. I'm not sure if that is sacrificing my happiness so she can have a two-parent home, or if it is better for her to see her mom not take this like a doormat. It is hard to imagine more than 10 years wiped away. -- BETRAYED ONLINE 

DEAR BETRAYED ONLINE: It is never easy to accept someone's infidelity and then work to rebuild trust, so I applaud you for trying to move forward in the spirit of forgiveness. If people want to change, they can and they will, but in this case, believe what is in front of you. It isn't so much the physical betrayal that is so hurtful and damaging, but much more so the emotional. He lied, cheated, was emotionally intimate with another woman and is denying what you have put right in front of him. 

Two questions: 1. Do you have a job or your own source of income independent from the relationship? 2. Do you have a support system - close friends or family? 

If you have one of those two, get a lawyer and talk to him or her about your options. You are still in a deep state of mourning for the relationship, which is completely understandable. However, since your child is so young, it may be best to separate for a while and see how that feels. Your child will fare better with two parents that are happy -- and apart -- than together and miserable. While parents may feel a lot of guilt for separating, it is better to have a calm environment at home than to have resentment, anger and fighting around your child. If you don't have either an income of your own or a support system, you should still meet with a lawyer to talk about how you can work toward goals to create independence from him to make it easier to have the option to leave. 

This is not an easy decision, and I certainly am not telling you what to do, but it is clear he doesn't respect you or the relationship. When there is no respect, there is no trust. And without trust, there cannot be a solid foundation for growth and healing. You have options and you don't have to stay if you aren't happy. You are stronger than you realize. I can tell that just from your ability to try to work through your pain together as a couple. But you can't take the journey alone. 

Continue to see a therapist to help build confidence and self-esteem, but please consider what is going to give you peace in your life. 

DEAR NATALIE: Almost everyone I know is so late all of the time! I write this as I am sitting in a bar waiting for someone who said they'd be here 20 minutes ago. This happens to me all the time, with many different friends, from many different parts of my life. I've tried showing up late myself, and I still sit there for 20 minutes alone. I don't want to pick up and leave after 15 minutes because I do actually want to hang out with these people. What can I say or do to get my friends to be prompt? -- SICK OF WAITING 

DEAR SICK OF WAITING: As someone who is 10 minutes early for everything, I can relate to this! It is so rude when people show up late without letting you know. If I am going to be late, I always text or call so that my friend/colleague/family has a heads-up. It's common courtesy. The best thing to do is to try this (it seems to work well when I do it): Text or call whomever you are meeting an hour before the meet up and see if they are still coming to meet you, and if they are going to be on time. Then about 20 minutes before you are meeting, say that you are "on your way" and see how they respond. This usually helps people stay on track for being on time, or at least gives them a chance to tell you that they are going to be late. Then, you can plan accordingly. I know, it's kind of like baby-sitting, but it usually works. You can always voice your frustrations, as well, but people just don't seem to care. It's frustrating because clearly you seem to value other people's time and should get the same in return. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Going to a networking event with a friend? Divide and conquer. It is easy to stick by your pal all night, oftentimes sequestering yourselves from potential contacts. So, make a plan that you separate for an hour at the event, and then introduce each other to at least one new contact that you each met, thereby increasing both of your social networks easily. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)