DEAR NATALIE: My husband runs a volleyball league for high-skilled players. Years ago, when it started as a "most-anyone-can-play" league, a woman joined who wasn't a great player, but everyone liked her so she continued on. As the league evolved into just skilled players, she was grandfathered in. 

Now at 68 she is a poor player, and each week some unhappy team has her on its side. This is causing strife among the players and for my husband who is not sure how to tell her she should no longer play. No one wants to hurt her. He wants a rule saying anyone over 60 has to get 10 members to agree that they are still skilled enough to play. I feel that is like her being told 10 times she isn't any good anymore. I suggested a test for any players over 60 so she is not singled out. Suggestions please. -- VOLLEYBALL MESS

DEAR MESS: This sounds liked seventh grade: Everyone is picking teams, and there is that one kid that no one wants. First talk with her and see if she would be interested in doing something else like keeping score or managing the teams. She may be relieved not to have to play at this level anymore. A "test" for people over 60 would make it obvious as to what is going on, and leaving it to a vote would embarrass her. 

But, if she can't take a hint, tell her that you have concerns for her physical well-being because the team dynamics have changed. Perhaps encourage (or help her set up) an intramural team for "newbies" or people who want a less competitive game that she can direct. This would give her a sense of purpose without hurting her unnecessarily. 

DEAR NATALIE: Our mother has had severe depression for two years. She sends mean, degrading text messages to her children, blaming them for various transgressions, sometimes in years past. Yet when the children try to discuss these messages, she avoids phone calls or offers apologies. 

The children would like to mend this riff and have offered to attend counseling with her, but she avoids conversations. We hear through the grapevine that she is telling family members that we don't care about her. We love her but we cannot keep allowing her to treat people the way she has, using the excuse that she's depressed. Any advice? -- FRUSTRATED CHILDREN 

DEAR CHILDREN: It appears there is a mental health issue that is not being addressed. This "meanness" reminds me of people I counseled who were bipolar (which often leads to highs and lows in behaviors). Is she even open to receiving a deeper level of help? 

Unfortunately, when family members live with severe mental illness they barricade themselves from people they love, isolate themselves from the world and often lash out at those wanting to help. Was there an event that triggered this depression two years ago, or has she always had ups and downs? 

She does not want to be in this place of pain or suffering, so take baby steps toward improvement. It may be time to tell your mom: "If you want to have a healthy relationship with me, here are the boundaries we need to set, here are the steps we need to take, here are the ways we can work on bettering our relationship." You may have to send this by letter. 

Meet with your siblings and a counselor independently from your mother to discuss the best way to have this "emotional intervention." If you can at least open the lines of communication, you can work toward a brighter tomorrow. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: If you want to get a conversation going, ask open-ended questions that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer. This allows you to get to know the other person on a deeper level and shows that you are interested in what he or she has to say. 

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are fairly young, and we have many close friends who have children. We still get together with these friends regularly, and most of the time their children are also welcome. We love their kids, and some of the children are practically like nieces and nephews to us! But occasionally an event will pop up that is simply not appropriate for children. 

For example, my husband and I recently had a party at our house, and we invited close to 40 people. We knew it would be crowded and not the type of party for children, however we struggled with how to communicate this to our friends. Our friends always just assume their kids are invited. We don't want to outright say, "Your children aren't invited and you need to pay for a sitter," but we don't know what the alternative is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- ADULTS ONLY

DEAR ADULTS ONLY: I love kids. Just so I don't get a bunch of angry emails after giving my advice, I repeat: I love kids! However, I don't love kids at cocktail parties. Or any event after 6 p.m. that doesn't involve them directly. Your friends chose to have children, and I think it is fabulous that you are close to their kids. However, it is unrealistic for your friends to assume that you always want to see their kids at your adult parties. 

The next time you send out a Facebook invite, eblast, mass text message or formal invite, make it very clear that this is an "adults-only event." If your friends ask if they can bring their kids, be polite but firm. "As much as I love (little Shiloh or Zelda), this is just a party for the adults. I know you understand, and I hope you can make it!" Leave it there. Direct communication is the best. (But not in a "Real Housewives" wine glass-throwing-sort-of-way).

DEAR NATALIE: Is it better to quit your job or to be fired? After reading your advice a few weeks ago about "Shopgirl" having a hard time at work, I realized how much I related. I am miserable at my job and my boss treats me terribly. I've tried to talk directly with the owner (I work at a small locally owned business in the city), but I can't seem to get through. 

My boyfriend tells me I should just quit, that it isn't worth being this miserable. Do you agree? I really don't know what to do, and I'm worried they are going to fire me because my bad attitude is clearly evident at work. -- MISERABLE EMPLOYEE 

DEAR MISERABLE EMPLOYEE: Quit. But, before you hand in your notice, make sure you have something lined up. I am one of those people who like to have at least two back-up plans for when the inevitable zombie apocalypse happens. Sure it can be scary to let your boss know that this isn't working, but I wouldn't give your supervisor the satisfaction of firing you. And quit with dignity. "While I really appreciated the opportunity to grow and learn, this feels like the right time for me to move on." Keep it very professional.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: As hard as it can be to get a conversation started, it can be even more of a challenge to end one. You never want to have someone feel like you are shutting them down, but at the same time, some people will chat endlessly. Wait for a lull in the chatter and then politely excuse yourself by saying that you just saw someone you were supposed to meet, or that you had promised to chat with someone you know is about to leave. Then ask for their business card and thank them for the wonderful conversation. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

I’ve been reading a lot of commentary about a date with comedian Aziz Ansari, as described recently by a woman on Babe.net, and many people have asked me whether or not this was just a bad sexual encounter or truly sexual assault. “How can men be mind readers?” “What does consent really look like?” “Why didn’t she just tell him to stop?” But one question I haven’t heard talked about much is: “Why weren’t the non-verbal cues enough?” So, in a special Ask Natalie segment, let’s dissect what went wrong on the date described by the women going by the alias “Grace,” and how we can avoid these types of negative interactions.

What people say and what people do are two different things. The idea of going out with such a big celebrity like Aziz, someone who has been held up as a feminist ally, someone who has made jokes on stage about “creepy men,” may have given “Grace” the wrong impression. She assumed he was “one of the good guys.” Therein lies the problem. People say all sorts of things. But people always show you who they are. Getting to know someone first can help you deepen your understanding of him as well as help you make a more informed decision about whether they would make a good romantic partner.

Shouldn’t consent be verbalized? While in a perfect world it should be, many times women are afraid to speak up when finding themselves in a precarious situation. In this instance, she was alone with him in his apartment, unsure of how he would react to a strong “NO”. As I read her account of him moving her hands to places where she didn’t want them on his body, I felt as though I was reading a story that had been written many, many times before. Women are raised and socialized to appease men. We are conditioned not to humiliate. We are told to be helpful and caring and think of them first. Verbalizing our own needs often isn’t taught at all or taught in a way that comes second to all else. As last in line, it is often difficult for many women to speak up when they need to. Instead of continuing this way, why don’t we socialize young women and girl to stand up for themselves and teach young men and boys to cherish and respect women? And let’s be frank. Non-verbal cues are expressed by all of us, all day long. Eye rolling, smiling, crossing our arms, pushing someone’s hand away, these are all ways of expressing our pleasure or disdain. You can’t tell me he was so dense that he didn’t understand what it meant when she moved his hands away from her body or moved her own hands off of his body. He has been socialized to think of himself first and she was socialized to think of him first, as well. The entire article was about how she felt she was relating to him. Her experience was relational. His was not.

Think of this example: Recently, the women from the United States gymnastic team came out against a team doctor who had sexually assaulted dozens of them over the course of many years. The (now) women were mostly young girls when the assaults took place and after reporting it to the United States Olympic Committee and other adults in positions of authority, they were ignored. For years. So when someone says, “why didn’t she just speak up?” the truth is, many times women and girls have, and it still hasn’t made a difference.

Please do not use pornography as a blueprint for romance. It was very clear reading the article that Aziz (and he is not alone in this) was staging a show for himself. “Where do you want to do it? Over here on the couch? On the table in the kitchen?” Putting his fingers into her mouth and mimicking things that he saw online might have colored his vision for what an intimate encounter would look like. Here’s something to keep in mind: Pornography is mostly directed by men for a male audience. Women in that space are used mostly as props or objects to satisfy male desire. This was exactly what was happening in this situation. She was a prop, not a person. We socialize women to be objects for male desire and we socialize men to recognize their desires as the only ones that count. What if we experienced intimacy as relational to one another? In the case of Aziz and Grace, this gratification was seemingly once sided.

This goes much deeper than “it was just a bad date”. This is a systemic issue that needs to be addressed. The framework upholding experiences like this does not serve women or men. Men are isolated from their own feelings as they are socialized to “be tough”. This lack of self compassion breeds contempt for others. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to give to everyone else first, lending themselves to ignore their own needs and desires. In turn, interactions become sullied with resentment and fear, aggression and frustration. No one wins. But what is the solution? While there isn’t a clear cut answer for avoiding “bad” dates, I would say that the ritual of dating should return. “Hanging out” or “hooking up” diminishes social interactions and reduces the physical experience to something casual and unimportant. What’s wrong with going out on a first date with no expectations of an intimate encounter until getting to know that person better? The world of online dating has created a “hook up market” where you can swipe past people without getting to know them, basing your interest on a single photo or one cheeky phrase. This way of engagement has made many lonely and afraid to communicate in person with one another. Pairing this with the unrealistic expectations that social media has placed upon us, many are left looking for the bigger, better deal, often times leading us to a space of depression and inability to be present.

We can do better by holding ourselves and each other accountable even though these discussions are uncomfortable, complex and oftentimes do not have immediate resolution. While you may not be able to go back and fix your bad dates from the past, you can become more introspective in this moment and decide not only what kind of person you wish to be, but who you want your children to be. We can start with removing gender labels from toys. In fact, studies have shown that when boys play with dolls, they grow up to be more nurturing, loving men and fathers. When we open our daughters’ eyes to a world of experiences outside of the domestic toys, we broaden their dreams and nurture their sense of independence. We can dismantle framework that harms all of us, but this collective power begins with each of us saying: “I’m willing to listen, I now know better, I will and can do better.”

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212