life

A Special Ask Natalie edition: The Aziz Ansari Fall Out

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 24th, 2018

I’ve been reading a lot of commentary about a date with comedian Aziz Ansari, as described recently by a woman on Babe.net, and many people have asked me whether or not this was just a bad sexual encounter or truly sexual assault. “How can men be mind readers?” “What does consent really look like?” “Why didn’t she just tell him to stop?” But one question I haven’t heard talked about much is: “Why weren’t the non-verbal cues enough?” So, in a special Ask Natalie segment, let’s dissect what went wrong on the date described by the women going by the alias “Grace,” and how we can avoid these types of negative interactions.

What people say and what people do are two different things. The idea of going out with such a big celebrity like Aziz, someone who has been held up as a feminist ally, someone who has made jokes on stage about “creepy men,” may have given “Grace” the wrong impression. She assumed he was “one of the good guys.” Therein lies the problem. People say all sorts of things. But people always show you who they are. Getting to know someone first can help you deepen your understanding of him as well as help you make a more informed decision about whether they would make a good romantic partner.

Shouldn’t consent be verbalized? While in a perfect world it should be, many times women are afraid to speak up when finding themselves in a precarious situation. In this instance, she was alone with him in his apartment, unsure of how he would react to a strong “NO”. As I read her account of him moving her hands to places where she didn’t want them on his body, I felt as though I was reading a story that had been written many, many times before. Women are raised and socialized to appease men. We are conditioned not to humiliate. We are told to be helpful and caring and think of them first. Verbalizing our own needs often isn’t taught at all or taught in a way that comes second to all else. As last in line, it is often difficult for many women to speak up when they need to. Instead of continuing this way, why don’t we socialize young women and girl to stand up for themselves and teach young men and boys to cherish and respect women? And let’s be frank. Non-verbal cues are expressed by all of us, all day long. Eye rolling, smiling, crossing our arms, pushing someone’s hand away, these are all ways of expressing our pleasure or disdain. You can’t tell me he was so dense that he didn’t understand what it meant when she moved his hands away from her body or moved her own hands off of his body. He has been socialized to think of himself first and she was socialized to think of him first, as well. The entire article was about how she felt she was relating to him. Her experience was relational. His was not.

Think of this example: Recently, the women from the United States gymnastic team came out against a team doctor who had sexually assaulted dozens of them over the course of many years. The (now) women were mostly young girls when the assaults took place and after reporting it to the United States Olympic Committee and other adults in positions of authority, they were ignored. For years. So when someone says, “why didn’t she just speak up?” the truth is, many times women and girls have, and it still hasn’t made a difference.

Please do not use pornography as a blueprint for romance. It was very clear reading the article that Aziz (and he is not alone in this) was staging a show for himself. “Where do you want to do it? Over here on the couch? On the table in the kitchen?” Putting his fingers into her mouth and mimicking things that he saw online might have colored his vision for what an intimate encounter would look like. Here’s something to keep in mind: Pornography is mostly directed by men for a male audience. Women in that space are used mostly as props or objects to satisfy male desire. This was exactly what was happening in this situation. She was a prop, not a person. We socialize women to be objects for male desire and we socialize men to recognize their desires as the only ones that count. What if we experienced intimacy as relational to one another? In the case of Aziz and Grace, this gratification was seemingly once sided.

This goes much deeper than “it was just a bad date”. This is a systemic issue that needs to be addressed. The framework upholding experiences like this does not serve women or men. Men are isolated from their own feelings as they are socialized to “be tough”. This lack of self compassion breeds contempt for others. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to give to everyone else first, lending themselves to ignore their own needs and desires. In turn, interactions become sullied with resentment and fear, aggression and frustration. No one wins. But what is the solution? While there isn’t a clear cut answer for avoiding “bad” dates, I would say that the ritual of dating should return. “Hanging out” or “hooking up” diminishes social interactions and reduces the physical experience to something casual and unimportant. What’s wrong with going out on a first date with no expectations of an intimate encounter until getting to know that person better? The world of online dating has created a “hook up market” where you can swipe past people without getting to know them, basing your interest on a single photo or one cheeky phrase. This way of engagement has made many lonely and afraid to communicate in person with one another. Pairing this with the unrealistic expectations that social media has placed upon us, many are left looking for the bigger, better deal, often times leading us to a space of depression and inability to be present.

We can do better by holding ourselves and each other accountable even though these discussions are uncomfortable, complex and oftentimes do not have immediate resolution. While you may not be able to go back and fix your bad dates from the past, you can become more introspective in this moment and decide not only what kind of person you wish to be, but who you want your children to be. We can start with removing gender labels from toys. In fact, studies have shown that when boys play with dolls, they grow up to be more nurturing, loving men and fathers. When we open our daughters’ eyes to a world of experiences outside of the domestic toys, we broaden their dreams and nurture their sense of independence. We can dismantle framework that harms all of us, but this collective power begins with each of us saying: “I’m willing to listen, I now know better, I will and can do better.”

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

6 Etiquette Tips for Behaving in Public

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 22nd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I am shocked at the lack of basic manners around me as I attend events. People eat (loudly) and hold conversations during the performance. They use their phones to text. People next to me take over part of my seat. People in front of me hold children on their laps, lean on the person next to them or otherwise obstruct my view. At a recent performance of "Phantom of the Opera," the woman behind me was singing along with the performers during the entire show. Worst of all, people come and go during songs instead of waiting for a break. At my daughter's recent school chorus concert, someone walked right in front of the stage to get to their seat mid-performance! 

What has happened to basic manners? These performers have worked hard and deserve our respect and attention. And people who have paid $75 for a ticket to "Phantom of the Opera" would like to actually enjoy the show. Can you give people a basic theater etiquette review? They seriously need it. -- ETIQUETTE NOW

DEAR ETIQUETTE NOW: Here are some tips for how to behave in a theater (or in public for that matter). 1. Turn off your cell phone. 2. If your child is under 5 and this isn't a family-themed show, get a sitter and spare us all. 3. Please enter and leave the theater during designated times unless it's an emergency of epic proportions. 4. Take off your hat. 5. No talking. Seriously. No talking. Or singing for that matter. 6. Respect others by eating during the breaks. Follow these rules and we will all have a pleasant experience (and not rant about you on Facebook later). 

DEAR NATALIE: We have a neighbor who is my teenage son's closest friend, and we just found out that he is moving to another state. The boys have practically spent every summer day together since they were little, so I am very anxious about the coming months. The whole topic is stressful enough, but there's something different about it since he is a teenager. There will be no kids his age in our neighborhood once his friend moves and he says it seems awkward to ask his school friends to come over, that they seem too old for that. How do I push him to get together with his school friends more during the summer months? A friend suggested that I call his friends' mothers, but I think that is a bit extreme and not a good idea. Please help! -- A WORRIED PARENT 

DEAR A WORRIED PARENT: Ah yes, the teenage years. Full of confusion, awkwardness and frustration. (And that's just how the parents feel!) Often boys this age have a very hard time expressing emotions, which can make it very challenging to try to fix the issue. That's why not fixing the issue is your best bet. Let him work this out on his own, if you can. Encourage him to get a part-time job over the summer or volunteer with an organization (as this is a great way to meet new friends). But the truth is, no one wants his mom to interfere in his social life -- especially a teenager. The best thing to do is let him enjoy his time with his close friend now, and when his friend moves, encourage him to keep in touch, visit his friend when possible, and continue to seek out new opportunities to touch base with those in his community. Having someone over to the house may seem weird for him, so suggest meeting a friend at the mall, a coffee shop, the park or anywhere you know of that he feels comfortable. Give him space, worried parent, but reassure him that if he needs you, you will be there to help. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: You don't need to apologize when you ask for help. Networking is a two-way street and apologizing can come off as a lack of confidence. Sure, they may be able to give you a tip now, but in the future you may be able to reciprocate. Don't look at it as a favor, but an exercise in building long-term, positive relationships.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Don’t Let the Past Keep You From Love

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 19th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I have three failed marriages in my young 57 years: one due to a serious illness of our daughter that drove us apart; one due to the fall I experienced in that first marriage as an alcoholic (I have since recovered) choosing someone who drank like me but who left me for another man, leading me to a 12-step program; and the third because I rebounded from No. 1 and No. 2 by becoming too submissive to an overbearing and controlling wife. Given my past three strikes, should I move on and seek another passion, such as pets to devote my attention, or do you think I can "dance" again with another woman? -- DOWN BUT NOT OUT 

DEAR DOWN BUT NOT OUT: Put on your dancing shoes! Life is too short to wonder "what if," and clearly you wouldn't be sending me this question if you were content to fill up your time with pets or other hobbies. Most people are better off two by two. Having a healthy relationship can be fulfilling on every level, and why deny yourself the opportunity to find love again? 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been working full time at a small local business for several months. As time has progressed, I have been given more and more responsibility. (The owner says I am the only employee she really feels she can count on.) Recently, she hired a new manager, and we have been bumping heads a bit. I feel like she doesn't like me, and she lies to the owner about me. If she makes a mistake, she tries to blame it on me. 

Now the owner tells me that she is cutting me down to part time because of "money issues." I'm fuming mad because I feel as though the reason she cut my hours was in direct correlation to the behavior of my manager toward me. We are supposed to have our six-month review coming up. What should I do? Do I bring it up to both of them or do I look for a new job? -- SHOPGIRL 

DEAR SHOPGIRL: What an incredibly frustrating situation! The owner has let the manager "take over" and is relying on her judgment instead of the relationship that you have built with the owner over these several months. Make a list of questions or concerns that you have and chat with the owner when you meet for your six-month review. However, if the manager is going to sit in, email the owner privately and ask to speak with her one-on-one. 

Tread carefully. Remember, the owner hired this person to manage, and so she may feel defensive about the situation. Stick to your own issues and do not throw the manager under the bus. Ask her where she sees you in the company in six months. Let her know that unless you can become full time in the near future, you may have to look somewhere else for a job.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Put away the mobile device and engage with the world around you. When we have our phones out, people assume you are busy working, checking email, etc., and they may not approach you. It can be a crutch (especially when we are nervous in a social setting) to distract ourselves, but remember: you won't make any new contacts if you are texting with people you already know! 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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