life

6 Etiquette Tips for Behaving in Public

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 22nd, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I am shocked at the lack of basic manners around me as I attend events. People eat (loudly) and hold conversations during the performance. They use their phones to text. People next to me take over part of my seat. People in front of me hold children on their laps, lean on the person next to them or otherwise obstruct my view. At a recent performance of "Phantom of the Opera," the woman behind me was singing along with the performers during the entire show. Worst of all, people come and go during songs instead of waiting for a break. At my daughter's recent school chorus concert, someone walked right in front of the stage to get to their seat mid-performance! 

What has happened to basic manners? These performers have worked hard and deserve our respect and attention. And people who have paid $75 for a ticket to "Phantom of the Opera" would like to actually enjoy the show. Can you give people a basic theater etiquette review? They seriously need it. -- ETIQUETTE NOW

DEAR ETIQUETTE NOW: Here are some tips for how to behave in a theater (or in public for that matter). 1. Turn off your cell phone. 2. If your child is under 5 and this isn't a family-themed show, get a sitter and spare us all. 3. Please enter and leave the theater during designated times unless it's an emergency of epic proportions. 4. Take off your hat. 5. No talking. Seriously. No talking. Or singing for that matter. 6. Respect others by eating during the breaks. Follow these rules and we will all have a pleasant experience (and not rant about you on Facebook later). 

DEAR NATALIE: We have a neighbor who is my teenage son's closest friend, and we just found out that he is moving to another state. The boys have practically spent every summer day together since they were little, so I am very anxious about the coming months. The whole topic is stressful enough, but there's something different about it since he is a teenager. There will be no kids his age in our neighborhood once his friend moves and he says it seems awkward to ask his school friends to come over, that they seem too old for that. How do I push him to get together with his school friends more during the summer months? A friend suggested that I call his friends' mothers, but I think that is a bit extreme and not a good idea. Please help! -- A WORRIED PARENT 

DEAR A WORRIED PARENT: Ah yes, the teenage years. Full of confusion, awkwardness and frustration. (And that's just how the parents feel!) Often boys this age have a very hard time expressing emotions, which can make it very challenging to try to fix the issue. That's why not fixing the issue is your best bet. Let him work this out on his own, if you can. Encourage him to get a part-time job over the summer or volunteer with an organization (as this is a great way to meet new friends). But the truth is, no one wants his mom to interfere in his social life -- especially a teenager. The best thing to do is let him enjoy his time with his close friend now, and when his friend moves, encourage him to keep in touch, visit his friend when possible, and continue to seek out new opportunities to touch base with those in his community. Having someone over to the house may seem weird for him, so suggest meeting a friend at the mall, a coffee shop, the park or anywhere you know of that he feels comfortable. Give him space, worried parent, but reassure him that if he needs you, you will be there to help. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: You don't need to apologize when you ask for help. Networking is a two-way street and apologizing can come off as a lack of confidence. Sure, they may be able to give you a tip now, but in the future you may be able to reciprocate. Don't look at it as a favor, but an exercise in building long-term, positive relationships.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Don’t Let the Past Keep You From Love

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 19th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I have three failed marriages in my young 57 years: one due to a serious illness of our daughter that drove us apart; one due to the fall I experienced in that first marriage as an alcoholic (I have since recovered) choosing someone who drank like me but who left me for another man, leading me to a 12-step program; and the third because I rebounded from No. 1 and No. 2 by becoming too submissive to an overbearing and controlling wife. Given my past three strikes, should I move on and seek another passion, such as pets to devote my attention, or do you think I can "dance" again with another woman? -- DOWN BUT NOT OUT 

DEAR DOWN BUT NOT OUT: Put on your dancing shoes! Life is too short to wonder "what if," and clearly you wouldn't be sending me this question if you were content to fill up your time with pets or other hobbies. Most people are better off two by two. Having a healthy relationship can be fulfilling on every level, and why deny yourself the opportunity to find love again? 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been working full time at a small local business for several months. As time has progressed, I have been given more and more responsibility. (The owner says I am the only employee she really feels she can count on.) Recently, she hired a new manager, and we have been bumping heads a bit. I feel like she doesn't like me, and she lies to the owner about me. If she makes a mistake, she tries to blame it on me. 

Now the owner tells me that she is cutting me down to part time because of "money issues." I'm fuming mad because I feel as though the reason she cut my hours was in direct correlation to the behavior of my manager toward me. We are supposed to have our six-month review coming up. What should I do? Do I bring it up to both of them or do I look for a new job? -- SHOPGIRL 

DEAR SHOPGIRL: What an incredibly frustrating situation! The owner has let the manager "take over" and is relying on her judgment instead of the relationship that you have built with the owner over these several months. Make a list of questions or concerns that you have and chat with the owner when you meet for your six-month review. However, if the manager is going to sit in, email the owner privately and ask to speak with her one-on-one. 

Tread carefully. Remember, the owner hired this person to manage, and so she may feel defensive about the situation. Stick to your own issues and do not throw the manager under the bus. Ask her where she sees you in the company in six months. Let her know that unless you can become full time in the near future, you may have to look somewhere else for a job.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Put away the mobile device and engage with the world around you. When we have our phones out, people assume you are busy working, checking email, etc., and they may not approach you. It can be a crutch (especially when we are nervous in a social setting) to distract ourselves, but remember: you won't make any new contacts if you are texting with people you already know! 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Daughter Dating Older Man? Mom Worried Daughter Is Gaining Weight?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 17th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My 20-year-old daughter is dating a man more than twice her age! She isn’t even old enough to drink yet. I don’t understand why she needs to date a 41-year-old. I don’t approve of this relationship, and we have been fighting about it ever since I said something a few months ago. Now she wants to move in with him. I feel as though I need to say, “It’s either him or your family.” What should I do? -- ANGRY MOM

DEAR ANGRY MOM: Tread lightly here. Your daughter is an adult now (albeit a young one) and giving her an ultimatum most likely won’t help the situation. I know this isn’t ideal, but take a deep breath and a step back. Saying “It’s either him or us” is only going to push her further into his arms and away from you. Instead, try acceptance (if only momentarily) so that you can figure out what is really going on. If he is treating her well, what can you do? And if he isn’t treating her well, if he is controlling or unkind, then creating a place for her is even more important. Keep an open mind for now, and an open door for later.

DEAR NATALIE: My 15-year-old daughter is starting to get a little heavy and isn’t as active as she should be. The other day I suggested it wouldn’t hurt her to get off the couch and move a bit, which of course exploded into a fight about her being “fat.” She was crying and asking me if I really thought she was fat and I didn’t want to lie. I felt I needed to tell her that I was getting concerned that she had put on some weight. Now she isn’t speaking to me. I’m not sure how to handle this. Any thoughts? -- DIET DISASTER

DEAR DIET DISASTER: I’m wondering whether this is really her issue or your issue. Up until you pointed it out her, it didn’t seem to occur to her that she was “getting fat.” If her weight isn’t a health issue and more of a vanity issue, why you are so involved? Did you have a hard time growing up and want her to avoid some of the problems you faced, perhaps bullying or feeling insecure in your own body? Instead of chastising her -- which will probably only cause her to eat more -- why not engage with her on things that are empowering and meaningful? If she likes to write or enjoys music or painting or sports, find something you can do together that has nothing to do with talking about her weight. Later, incorporate some fun physical activities you can share. Frame them as just things to do together and not as “working out” or “slimming down.” Being a teenage girl is r-o-u-g-h and the world outside is harsh enough. Her body is changing and the last thing she needs is her mother making her feel less than. Be a part of what uplifts her, not what tears her down. 

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Looking for a way to connect with new friends? I was invited recently to a macaroon making party and while our pastries weren’t beautiful, the fun banter and shared experience was bonding. Food can be a great way to connect, so have a few new friends over and see what you can whip up!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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