life

Is it wrong to regift? Fiance isn't thoughtful with his Christmas presents?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | December 27th, 2017

DEAR NATALIE: Is it wrong to regift a present? I have received a lot of “nice” things over the past year or two but when thinking about buying gifts for colleagues at work or friends, it seems silly to waste when I have things at home that haven’t been opened or used. I know it can be tacky to do so, but what are your thoughts on regifting? -- REGIFT OR REGRET

DEAR REGIFT OR REGRET: In a world with too much stuff in it as it is, I don’t blame you for wanting to regift perfectly good items that you aren’t using. It does seem ridiculous to waste things that you think other friends or colleagues may enjoy or use. But that is the key idea here. You can’t just regift to regift. If you received something that you don’t need or don’t want and it didn’t come with a gift receipt so that you could return or exchange it, think about who it would best suit. Now, if there is no one in your circle that could use a Soda Stream or a Snuggie, for example, then give them to a charitable organization instead of chucking them in the garbage. But please, be careful who you regift to. If your sister gives you an ’80s-inspired eyeshadow palette don’t regift it to your mom. It’s important to always be gracious when you accept gifts and to regift that way, as well.

           

           

DEAR NATALIE: My fiance and I have been together for several years and while he is a great guy, he is terrible at gift giving. Every year, it’s the same. I get a stack of gift cards to my favorite stores in the city, but there is no thought put into it, no romance. I appreciate his attempt, but I’m over it. He says it’s easier this way because then I can just get what I want. But I want him to be more thoughtful. How do I get him to change his gift-giving habits? -- GIFT CARD OVERLOAD

DEAR GIFT CARD OVERLOAD: If you are trying to make me feel sorry for you when your fiance gives you a “stack of gift cards to your favorite stores” you are out of luck. Instead of trying to change him (ahem, it’s a little too late for that) why don’t you instead change your attitude about his gift-giving ways? He may not see this as not being thoughtful. In fact, in his mind, what is more thoughtful than giving you the ability to get exactly what you want? Maybe next time you receive a stack of awesome gift cards, ask him to join you at one or two of the stores so he can help you pick something out. Another idea is to meet him after shopping and enjoy a night on the town together in one of your fabulous new outfits that he bought for you. Get creative with how you approach this situation, and try to expand your mind on how you think about this. This is what we call a First World problem, which means, it’s not much of a problem at all.

           

           

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: This can be a challenging time for a lot of people who may be struggling with family issues, isolation or loneliness. But it is a great time to volunteer, whether it be at a food bank or a nursing home. Sit with someone, learn their story, and share some of your own. You never know who you will connect with and how this connection could improve the quality of not only their life, but also yours too.

           

           

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Try New Approaches to Meet Friends

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | December 25th, 2017

DEAR NATALIE: I often hear how friendships are so important -- for socialization and happiness as well as for health benefits. But as an adult in my late 40s, I find that it is not easy to make new friends. My husband and I used to do things with a group of friends, with co-workers and with neighbors. Slowly, things changed ... everyone had kids and got busy with their hectic schedules. We see people occasionally but not as often as we would like. My husband and I both work from home, so that social opportunity and way of meeting and seeing people is gone. And lately, the people we do see are the types who monopolize the conversation. I encountered three people over the past two weeks who only talked about themselves and their problems. No one even asks, "What's new with you?" I'm not one to let people walk all over me, but I feel as if my being polite allowed these conversations to be one-way streets. I want to meet new people and do things with them, but it is not as easy as it used to be. Please help. -- LONELY 40-SOMETHING

DEAR LONELY 40-SOMETHING: After posting your anonymous letter on my Facebook page, my readers have weighed in to provide some options for finding new, fun friends. Rachel Zubrow of Squirrel Hill wrote: "I'd suggest volunteering! It's great for getting out of the house, meeting new people who may have things in common." Rosemary Mendel of Plum added, "Take up a hobby or lessons -- dancing, glass-blowing, cooking, whatever you find interesting. A new group of friends could open up there." Julia Novakovic of Rochester, N.Y., suggested www.meetup.com: "Every city seems to have groups with special interests for which you can browse and sign up to attend meetings or outings." (Pittsburgh has more than 400 meetup groups on every interest imaginable.) I also suggest starting a private Facebook group and try monthly potluck dinners to help reignite your current friendships. 

DEAR NATALIE: My best girlfriend is driving me nuts. The guy she was seeing (for only a few months) broke it off with her and you would think the world is ending. We are both in our mid-20s with different outlooks about relationships. I don't worry about having a boyfriend, and live my life. She NEEDS a man, and when she doesn't have one, she's just miserable. How do I get her out of this funk (for both of our sakes)? -- LOSING MY MIND 

DEAR LOSING MY MIND: I'm going to save you a lot of frustration (and money for a therapist) and just say this: You can't get her out of this funk. The only thing you can do is wait it out and put some healthy distance between the two of you until the storm cloud passes. In the meantime, take her out and see if she can meet someone new. A little flirtation will most likely distract her from the pain of being dumped, and it will spare you from having to listen to her sounding like a sad broken record mixed with white wine. A win-win all around!  

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Relationship Gone Stale?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | December 22nd, 2017

DEAR NATALIE: I have been dating this guy for about a year now. Everything is fine, but I feel like that spark is gone. He's more like a friend than a lover at this point. The problem is, he's much more in love with me than I am with him, and he's talking about getting engaged. We went ring shopping the other day, and while I think it's romantic, I felt nothing. I don't want to break up with him, though, because he is a great person. But living in this stale relationship is not working either. What do I do? -- SPARKLESS 

DEAR SPARKLESS: Being a great person is one thing, but a relationship is its own separate entity. There is you, there is your boyfriend, and there is the relationship. On his own, he may be a great person, but if the relationship component isn't working, it isn't fair to him -- or you -- to stay and be unhappy. Talk to him about the fact that you feel as though you may be moving too fast and see what he says. If you are afraid to lose him, ask yourself why. If there is still something there, work to strengthen it. But, if you are just afraid to be alone or afraid to cut him loose because he is a good person, I suggest you do some soul searching. It is selfish of you to keep him around because you basically are saying: "While I don't like you enough, I don't want anyone else to have you either." Not cool. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently got married, and now I feel like I made a big mistake. We didn't know each other for that long when we got engaged, which was exciting, and planning the wedding was a lot of fun. But, now I am feeling depressed. There is nothing to look forward to. I talked to my husband about this, and he thinks I'm crazy. He said to me, "The wedding was the biggest party we will ever have. Just think of those memories, and you will be fine." Ugh, isn't that depressing? Like the best year I'll ever have is behind me? How do I get out of this rut? -- WEDDING BELL BLUES 

DEAR WEDDING BELL BLUES: The first year of marriage can be quite a challenge because you are coming down from the adrenaline rush of engagement excitement and wedding bells. Try reconnecting with your new husband and find fun ways to be together. Take a class together or plan a weekly date night to keep the energy flowing. Or, instead of sitting around moping about the amazing year that you had, acknowledge that times change, emotions ebb and flow, and then get off your butt and do something to help someone else. There are about a million humanitarian crises happening around you. Why not organize an event (because you love parties) and help to raise money for the victims of the Las Vegas shooting or the hurricane victims in the Caribbean or Florida or Texas? There are so many people and places that need our help right now. So, don't sit around and mope because of a lack of excitement in your life. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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