Patricia Nowak was thrust into widowhood suddenly at the age of 47, when her husband was struck and killed crossing a street. She was overwhelmed by grief and the realization that she'd become both the sole parent and provider for her young children. But her problems multiplied when, just 18 days after the accident, her refrigerator caught fire, burning the family's house to the ground.

Tackling one issue at a time, Nowak, a public relations executive, eventually restored calm and order to her life. Because of the hardships of the experience, she later dedicated herself to helping other widows of all ages rebuild their lives. Drawing on her experience, she authored a book: "The ABC's of Widowhood."

Unlike many widows, Nowak didn't confront the thorny question of whether to sell the family home. But she says it's common for those who've lost a spouse to confront complicated real estate matters, including whether to put their property on the market.

Nowak says that anyone who loses a spouse is well advised to wait for a time before making a major move.

"If you can afford to wait, don't make any big decisions for the first six months, because you're in a fog for at least that long," Nowak says.

Nowak says the first order of business should be to organize your finances.

Though many young women now take a vital interest in money matters, she says those who become widowed at a later age often need financial counsel to make solid choices. But she advises against turning to relatives for such help, because they typically lack objectivity.

Rather, she recommends seeking advice from neutral third parties whose names you obtain through business or professional associates.

Arlen Olberding, a financial planner with the Garrett Planning Network (www.garrettplanningnetwork.com) says widows who own a big family house should think carefully before deciding to sell and move to a small condo.

"Trading down to a condo can have financial benefits, including a reduction in energy costs and upkeep demands. Yet, after taking your monthly condo fees into account, you may save less than expected. And your lifestyle could be compromised," Olberding says.

Instead of buying a condo, he says widows might be better off downsizing to a small, one-level house.

Here are a few pointers for widows (and widowers) trying to formulate their housing plans:

-- Make sure your finances are in order before making any move.

Mark Nash, a real estate expert and author of "1001 Tips for Buying and Selling a Home," says keeping a large family home indefinitely often means serious trade-offs for those who survive a spouse.

"I recommend you consult a certified financial planner or accountant before making any major real estate decisions. They can help you crunch numbers and forecast the implications of any options you're considering," Nash says.

Prior to meeting with an adviser, Nash suggests you spend some time with your checkbook and credit card statements to see how much your house cost you during the previous 12 months. Be sure to include mortgage and utility costs, along with taxes, insurance and maintenance expenses.

-- View housing as an integral part of a holistic planning process.

Nash says many people, widows included, see their real estate choices in isolation from their larger plans and dreams. But where you live can affect your lifestyle in important ways.

Suppose, for instance, that as a newly widowed person you'd love to go back to college to audit classes or work toward an advanced degree. In that case, you might wish to move from your current home to one closer to a university. Alternatively, those who love the arts might choose to leave a suburban location for a one closer to galleries, theaters and concert halls.

To whom should you turn to help chart your lifestyle planning for the next stage of your life? Nash says that sometimes a real estate agent who's willing to listen to your story, (and won't push you to sell,) is a good bet.

"You could also discuss your plans with a therapist, counselor or life coach," he says.

-- Take into account your emotional attachment to a family home.

Some widows are less interested in recasting their lives than in strengthening their ties with family. Some are strongly attached to the home where they raised their children and want to keep a place with extra bedrooms for extended family visits.

Nash, a long-time real estate broker, says he's worked with many older women who live to regret the sale of the spacious family home.

"Their home is their pride and joy. Once it's gone, they feel like a fish out of water," he says.

-- Think through plans to move near your grown children.

As the years pass, many widows are drawn to the idea of moving to a place close to the home of one or more of their children. But, as Nowak says, you don't necessarily need to move permanently to see more of your extended family.

"Why not rent an apartment near your kids for a few months of each year? That could allow you to remain the rest of the year in a part of the country where your friends live and your favorite activities are based," she says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

A couple in their 40s -- a truck driver married to a convenience store manager -- were in the throes of a nasty breakup when they rang Sid Davis to say they wanted to liquidate their property promptly.

Davis, an experienced real estate broker, knew from their address that the couple lived in a strong starter-home community with coveted one-level houses. Thus he assumed their robin's egg-blue property, with 1,450 square feet of living space and a popular floor plan, would be an easy sell.

But what Davis found upon visiting the home was disappointing. Through the turmoil of their unhappy marriage, the couple had let their property deteriorate badly.

"The carpets were shot, the paint was old and peeling and the vinyl floor in the kitchen was totally worn out. Besides, the house was jam-packed with clutter," he says.

Davis, the author of "A Survival Guide for Home Sellers," failed to convince the couple to restore the good looks of the house with fresh paint, new carpet and a replacement kitchen floor. The only thing they agree to do was to clean and clear clutter.

"Because of their resistance, we had to chop 15 percent off what the house would have sold for in good condition. Also, the sellers had to give the buyers -- a couple in their 20s looking for a bargain -- an $8,000 allowance for carpet, paint and flooring," Davis says.

Why are some sellers with a property in poor condition unwilling to do the cosmetic work necessary to maximize their profits?

Homes are allowed to deteriorate for many reasons. Elderly sellers and those confronting serious health issues are understandably more focused on their ailments than on keeping up their property. Also, cash-strapped owners of all ages who have to sell for financial reasons often lack the available funds to make a property show-worthy.

Ashley Richardson, a real estate agent affiliated with the Council of Residential Specialists (www.crs.com), says people facing foreclosure sometimes become so disheartened that they can't muster the will to improve their home.

"When their finances fall apart, some people just give up hope and their coping skills decline. They default on an emotional level," Richardson says.

In some cases, she contends that spending a significant sum to prep a house in poor condition for sale is a bad idea, especially for people who must make a quick exit.

"You should limit your spending to high-visibility projects that give you the best return on investment. These include minor upgrades to your front entrance, kitchen and bathrooms," Richardson says.

Here are a few more pointers for sellers:

-- Seek out a seasoned agent for unvarnished advice.

Are you stressed out by the prospect of overseeing all the work that must be done to get your home ready for sale? If so, you'd be wise to seek a listing agent willing to serve as a project manager, says Eric Tyson, a personal finance expert and co-author of "House Selling for Dummies."

"For fear of offending you, not all agents will tell you the truth about all the work needed to make your place look good. Yet that's information you really need in order to make the right decisions," Tyson says.

As Richardson says, a reputable agent shouldn't only give you a list of tasks worth doing, but should also tell you which upgrades wouldn't warrant the expense.

"For instance, it's usually not smart to replace high-end cabinets in a rundown house. But you might want your current cabinets repainted," she says.

As the preliminary step in the agent-selection process, Richardson recommends you interview three candidates. Ask each to analyze your property and tell you which cost-effective steps would make it more saleable. Go with the one who gives the most realistic assessment.

-- Call in help to speed your de-cluttering process.

Sorting through clutter is an especially daunting prospect for seniors or those with health problems.

"People who aren't in a position to undertake all this work themselves should try to recruit help from friends or family members," Richardson says.

If no volunteers step forward, she suggests that sellers attempt to hire students or others seeking a temporary, part-time job.

Some homeowners who are selling "as is" think it's pointless to bother with the removal of clutter. But Richardson says it's absolutely necessary.

"Remember that no one, not even bargain buyers willing to accept a fixer-upper, will give you a fair price for a house so crowded with clutter that they can't even see how big the rooms are. Very few people can see past lots of junk," she says.

-- Assist buyers trying to imagine your home's potential.

Although many sellers of rundown homes can't afford to do worthy improvements, Richardson says it's still critical they make their property look at least minimally appealing.

"The reality is that all buyers first see houses online. If they don't like what they see on the Internet, they'll never go see your place in person," she says.

Besides removing clutter, you'll want to remove any furnishings that look dated. Your listing agent might lend you a few attractive pieces to make your place look better.

"Real estate people often own some good rugs, lamps and pieces of furniture that clients can use," Richardson says.

Also, she recommends that the owners of a rundown house give visitors mock-ups and contractors' estimates for needed improvements.

"The best approach is to do the cosmetic upgrades yourself before the house goes on the market. But if that's impossible, use any strategy you can to help buyers to at least realize the potential of your diamond in the rough," Richardson says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

A trend for marriage in America is that more couples are older when they tie the knot. In fact, an increasing number of people now marry for a second time after their kids have reached adulthood and left the nest. And the older the couple, the more likely they are to each own a home on the day they wed.

Coming into a marriage with two homes raises complicated questions for couples. Should they sell one place and move to the other or sell both properties and buy a new place together? One additional option -- which is increasingly popular with older, empty nesters who can afford it -- is to retain both their domiciles indefinitely.

Dr. Bonnie Jacobson, a New York therapist specializing in relationship issues, tells the true story of a couple of clients who grappled with the two-home issue and ultimately decided to keep both properties.

The husband is a medical researcher in his 70s who works in the Washington, D.C., area and loves his suburban home there. His new wife, a professor of philosophy in her 60s, owns and enjoys a Manhattan apartment close to her university job.

"They see each other on weekends and during vacations. They have a beautiful marriage, so what's the big deal? It's all very romantic," says Jacobson, the co-author of "Choose to be Happily Married" and other books on relationships.

Jacobson also says a couple keeping separate homes can sometimes be a good solution for re-marrying couples with grown offspring who wish to keep their estates separate.

"This way when it comes to the kids, you don't have conflicts over who inherits the property. Each set of children inherits their parent's home," Jacobson says.

Are you a two-home couple who will soon marry and need to forge a unified housing plan? If so, these few pointers could prove useful:

-- Make sure you communicate about your future housing desires.

Many people who marry or remarry in their 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond have spent years living independently and are used to making decisions solo. In such cases, Chris Knight, a certified financial planner, says it's especially important that they discuss both their financial and lifestyle preferences before making a major housing decision.

Couples who find it hard to reach a conclusion through their own talks might consider hiring a financial adviser to help, if only for a consultation lasting a couple of hours. A skilled adviser will draw out each partner, thereby helping the couple come to a compromise that works for both.

Reaching agreement on housing objectives helps a couple overcome one of the key hurdles they confront in combining their lives.

"When they marry, couples merge legally. But many still don't merge financially for many years. Reaching a consensus on housing helps people merge financially at an earlier stage in their marriage," says Knight, who's affiliated with the Garrett Planning Network rr(garrettplanningnetwork).

-- Don't rule out a change of neighborhoods.

Couples with adult children typically have more choices open to them than do those who still have young kids at home or who plan to have a family soon. No longer must they focus on choosing a community with quality schools, playground access and other child-friendly amenities. Instead, they have the liberty to concentrate on their own interests and hobbies.

Once both partners clarify their strongest interests, they will find it easier to identify locations and housing choices that could serve both.

-- Take retirement planning into account when making housing decisions.

Retirement experts underscore the reality that many baby boomers -- people born between 1946 and 1964 -- have insufficient savings for retirement. That's why financial planners like Knight caution them against committing to an expensive housing decision, like building a custom home, until they've put away enough funds for their retirement years.

How can you determine if you and your partner have enough funds to retire? This question requires analysis, Knight says. Among the factors to consider are your health status, probable life span, how long you plan to work and your expected return on investments.

"If your interests are expanding and you want to travel, you'll likely need more money than anticipated," Knight says.

To get a grip on your financial needs for retirement, Knight recommends you use the free calculators available on the Internet, including those provided by such mutual fund companies as Vanguard (www.vanguard.com) and such personal finance publishers as Kiplinger (www.kiplinger.com). To help with lifestyle planning for retirement, you may wish to pick up such books as "The Power Years: A User's Guide to the Rest of Your Life," by Ken Dychtwald and Daniel J. Kadlec.

-- Consider selling both homes and buying another.

Are you and your partner marrying for the second time? If so, you may be uncomfortable with the idea of moving into the home that was once occupied by your partner's former spouse.

Both partners may be strongly attached to a home where they've lived for many years. But starting fresh by selling both their properties and then purchasing a third place can have many pluses, according to Knight.

"Buying one common home instead of keeping two can be financially advantageous. And it could be the very best choice for young people who wish to raise their kids under the same roof," he says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)