Looking back, a Silicon Valley couple in their 30s realizes it was a big mistake to buy a house in a premier suburb close to elite private schools. They still own the house, but their marriage continues to suffer the pressure of payments that exceed half their income and have forced them to rely on loans from their parents.

"Truthfully, buying that house was very wrong for this couple. They overshot their budget, and that's cost them many sleepless nights and polarizing fights," says Deborah Price, an expert on couple's financial issues who cites this true-life example of how the wrong real estate choices can lead to untold stress on a relationship.

"At the time, they didn't forecast how their decision would backfire on their marriage," says Price, the author of "The Heart of Money: A Couple's Guide to Creating True Financial Intimacy."

Because the purchase of real estate is the largest financial decision most couples make, Price urges them to talk through any underlying issues that could color their thinking.

For example, she says one partner might be a "spender" who's comfortable with a large mortgage, while the other is a "saver" who becomes very anxious when facing challengingly high house payments.

To avoid missteps, Price encourages couples who disagree to seek professional guidance to clarify and align their plans in order to find a workable option. For example, the Silicon Valley couple could have chosen a less expensive neighborhood served by tuition-free charter schools.

One option is to work with one of the new breed of "money coaches." These are typically financial advisers or therapists who've received special training on how to advise people on money issues. Price heads the Money Coaching Institute (www.moneycoachinginstitute.com), which has trained more than 400 such coaches in the last 14 years.

Here are a few other pointers for couples looking for a home:

-- Discuss your core beliefs.

"If you're unprepared, conversations around what to buy can get extremely contentious," says Leo Berard, a real estate broker and charter president of the National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents (www.naeba.org). He recalls how, on several occasions, he had to halt a property tour involving young clients after they began to bicker.

"There was no point going on until they stepped back and talked out their differences," Berard says.

"For a lot of people, finances are a taboo subject," says Eric Tyson, a personal finance expert and author of several books on the topic.

But money matters, including key decisions on housing, are so paramount to a couple's plans that failure to address them can "really hurt the relationship later on, particularly if one partner resents the choice they've made," Tyson says.

Before making a firm home-buying decision, Tyson says it can be helpful for couples to use paper-and-pencil exercises to explore their underlying values. He offers several such exercises in his book, "Mind Over Money: Your Path to Wealth and Happiness."

-- Make your neighborhood choice before considering specific houses.

A couple's money talks give them a broad framework to help decide if they're both comfortable maxing out their mortgage eligibility. After that, it's time to pick one or more communities that appeal to both partners, says Berard.

Neighborhood choices should be made systematically, according to Berard. Ideally, both partners will itemize and rank their priorities and then compile a unified list.

Perhaps one partner hankers for an urban neighborhood with close access to restaurants and cultural venues. Meanwhile, the other is drawn to a leafier environment. In such a case, they might wish to settle for a semi-suburban area where both can enjoy some of the features they want.

-- Consider what you dislike in your present home to decide on features you want.

Years of experience as co-owner of an independent realty company taught Berard how to help clients develop screening criteria to find the right property. In doing so, he discovered a powerful tool: the "I don't want list."

The idea is for both partners to indicate what they don't like about their current residence. For example, perhaps the husband hates the tiny kitchen and the wife is unhappy about the noisy street outside.

"When you reverse the factors you loathe, it's easier to see what you actually do want," Berard says.

-- Request that your real estate agent help you mediate.

Obviously, a couple can be happily married despite having major differences in architectural taste. Maybe one favors a traditional colonial house while the other wants a contemporary structure akin to the homes Frank Lloyd Wright designed.

In instances where the gulf in taste is wide, Tyson says it's sometimes possible for a real estate agent to help reach a realistic solution.

"After listening to both people, a good agent can provide an element of objectivity that's very useful," Tyson says.

-- Resist your kids' pleas to go along on house-hunting excursions.

Perhaps you and your spouse have reached a firm compromise to buy a mid-sized townhouse with a small patio that fits your budget. But your young children are pleading for a larger place with a huge backyard.

In such an instance, you might be tempted to let your kids join you as you search for property. But Price, of the Money Coaching Institute, argues against doing so -- at least until you've narrowed your choices to just a few options you can afford.

"Your kids have their own agenda, and they don't necessarily know the practical realities facing you," she says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

Many homebuyers with young kids face a major challenge as they attempt to balance the high cost of housing in a child-friendly neighborhood with the mounting expenses involved in child-rearing, says Eric Tyson, author of "Personal Finance for Dummies."

To avoid overstretching their budgets, Tyson, the father of three teenagers, says that parents must set their home-buying priorities carefully.

"The reality is that nearly all families have to compromise on the home features they can afford and sometimes on their neighborhood selection also," Tyson says.

He encourages dual-income parents to choose a neighborhood that's reasonably close to their jobs, even if that means accepting a smaller or older place than they could obtain for the same price in a distant suburb.

"Unless you absolutely have to drive a long way, you should try for a short commute to have more time with the family," Tyson says.

Here are a few pointers for buyers with young children:

-- Don't assume that schools with high test scores are your best bet.

It's a positive for parents that test scores are now widely available on the Internet so schools can be compared schools on that basis. But Tyson says test scores are just one way of assessing schools.

"Test scores are a fairly superficial measure," says Tyson, adding that school size and the availability of special programs, such as those in music, theater and art, are also important variables if you children are gifted in one of these areas.

William Bainbridge, president of the SchoolMatch Institute, which helps families find the best available schools, recommends that parents visit schools and meet with teachers and administrators. That way they'll get a feel for the culture of each school and whether it's welcoming to incoming students.

Bainbridge says some parents risk overspending on housing because they believe that schools in high-cost areas would necessarily be better for their kids. He contends that income levels don't always correlate with school quality, though parental involvement often does.

"In terms of the right atmosphere and extracurriculars for your kids, you could be surprised to find that a less expensive neighborhood is often a better choice than a pricey one," Bainbridge says.

-- Think through the need for a sizeable yard for your children.

It's obviously advantageous for children to live on a property large enough for a swing set or a spur-of-the-moment softball game. But as Tyson notes, children of the current generation are much more heavily scheduled than were their parents at the same age. They have many more programmed activities packed into their after-school, weekend and vacation hours.

Also, he says, neighborhoods with small yards are often friendlier than those with two-acre or larger lots.

"Where yards are smaller, kids are closer to their buddies and don't need to be driven around as much," Tyson says.

Houses in a neighborhood with small yards are usually less expensive than those in the same general area that are surrounded by elaborate landscaping.

If you can't afford a large yard, Tyson suggests you look for a house in a community with a major park or playground area. Alternatively, look for a place on a cul-de-sac with no through traffic.

-- Choose a floor plan that functions well for your family.

Dorcas Helfant, a former president of the National Association of Realtors (www.realtor.org), says it's more important for families to have a floor plan that encourages togetherness than a home with formal rooms.

"For most families, it doesn't much matter if they have a living room or a formal dining room. But it's a significant plus to have an eat-in kitchen that flows into a family room, so that while they're cooking, parents can keep an eye on the kids.

This combination room, Helfant notes, becomes the "nerve center" of the household, promoting togetherness between parents and kids during their scarce free hours.

-- Seek to buy as many bedrooms as you can afford.

Since the recession, architects and design specialists have speculated that American families would lose the desire to own large houses. But Helfant says that apart from formal living areas, people still want as much square footage as they can afford.

"Why would people who own a 60-inch television want a small family room? And who wants those tiny closets and bathrooms of our parents' generation? The answer is absolutely nobody," Helfant says.

She recommends that families on tight budgets who must make trade-offs place a priority on buying a home with enough bedrooms so that (ideally) each child can have one of their own and the parents will still have space for a home office.

"What's also wonderful is to have a guest room where the grandparents can stay when they come to visit," Helfant says.

-- Consider purchasing a two-story house.

Many baby boomers now seeking housing want a one-level property, seeking the increased convenience as they age.

But those with school-age children may wish to consider seriously the advantages of living on two levels, according to Helfant. That's because it's easier to contain the noise and mess of growing children if their bedrooms are separated from the common living space of the family.

With a two-story house, the parents of young children can entertain guests on the first floor while their children are playing with friends or sleeping upstairs.

"Remember that in a two-level home you get more space for the money because it takes up less land. And land prices have soared to premium levels in this country," Helfant says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

Real estate agents say it's a common occurrence: A couple in their 60s or 70s sell their big family house and then set out to buy a smaller condo. But after rethinking their plans, they decide life in an apartment would be too big of an adjustment.

"All the condos they visit seem cloying and dark. They dislike the idea of smelling other people's cooking or hearing footsteps above or below their unit. And they don't like having to get in an elevator just to get to their car," says Mary Biathrow, an agent who's sold property to many seniors since entering the real estate field in 1992.

But if you're like many older homebuyers who loathe the idea of life in an apartment yet wish for fewer home upkeep chores, there are a number of other ways to achieve your goal, says Biathrow, who's affiliated with the Council of Residential Specialists (www.crs.com).

Tom Early, a past president of the National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents (www.naeba.org), says the right housing choice for buyers over 60 depends on individual preferences.

"Obviously there's no single perfect answer for housing in your retirement years," Early says.

Here are a few pointers for purchasers:

-- Consider a one-level house for easy cleaning.

As Early notes, the demand for single-story houses is increasing rapidly, particularly among older people. And a detached, one-level house can have benefits over the classic condominium.

"People want a one-story house not only for lifestyle, but because they expect it to appreciate in a country with an aging population," he says.

Beyond their investment potential, one-level properties are easier to clean than two-story homes.

"To clean a single-story place you don't have to drag a vacuum cleaner up and down stairs. That eases the strain of keeping your home tidy," Early says.

-- Investigate the idea of acquiring a "patio home."

Most people think of a condominium as a unit in an apartment building that's owned by its occupants. While such is typically the case, homebuilders are increasingly bringing to market detached or semi-detached, one-level condos that are often called "patio homes."

These are essentially small houses in a community with some jointly owned property, such as a clubhouse. Patio homes afford their owners more privacy and autonomy than do condo-apartments. Also, outside maintenance is typically provided as well.

"If you hate apartment living, but also hate mowing grass and trimming bushes, a patio home could be the answer for you. When you travel, you just lock the door and you never have to worry about outside upkeep," Early says.

But Early reminds homebuyers that caution is in order when you're considering the purchase of any type of condo property.

"Make sure you find out if the homeowners' association has put money into an escrow account to keep up with such improvements as painting and parking lot-paving," Early says.

Also, before buying into any condo community, he recommends you look at the minutes of the condo association's meetings for the last two years.

"Within the minutes, you'll find clues about any lawsuits pending against the association or a former management company," he says.

-- Focus on finding a "cream puff" property.

Realtors use the term "cream puff" for a home that's been so babied by its owners that it's in excellent repair -- including all its appliances and major systems, such as plumbing, electrical, heating and air conditioning.

Acquiring a property sold by a meticulous owner can let its buyers coast for as long as five years without the need for any costly or time-consuming fixes.

"People who buy a cream puff get a home where nothing has been left undone, not even a tiny window crack or a shaky stair railing," Early says.

Those who baby their homes are usually also conscientious about their flower beds and pruning their trees. But Early warns against thinking that by buying a cream puff you'll have years to let your yard work slide.

"You've got to face the fact that well-kept grounds require your attention every year, either through your own labor or people you hire," he says.

-- Include brand-new houses in your search.

Not all new subdivisions are created equal. Some new homes give you years of maintenance-free living, while others mean headaches from the outset. However, as a general rule, a brand-new home will give you freedom from maintenance problems.

"You don't always get what you pay for. But many times, you do," Early says.

A dedicated real estate agent should be familiar with both new home and resale options in the area where you're looking.

Early believes that builders who add custom features to the homes they construct usually give buyers a better product than do those who mass-produce properties.

How can you find a builder with a quality edge?

"A reputable home inspector should know who's building solid homes rather than shoddy ones," he says.

-- Look at your options for a "nearly new" home if new ones are unavailable.

Early says those who purchase a brand-new home typically enjoy 10 or more years of freedom from worry about major repair or replacement issues. But if you aspire to live in a neighborhood where no new homes are available, he says your second-best option is to find a place less than five years old.

"In real estate, as with anything in life, there are no absolute guarantees. Still, older buyers can increase their odds of easy upkeep with the purchase of a place that's only a few years old," he says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)