The real estate market is rallying -- easing the way for sellers in an increasing number of neighborhoods. Yet in most areas, homebuyers still retain bargaining muscle. Yet for many couples, one big catch remains: They have a terrible time agreeing on what they truly want in a property.

"It's extremely unusual for both people in a couple to agree on all the elements of the home purchase. This discord can lead to a huge level of friction," says Eric Tyson, a personal finance expert and author of "Let's Get Real About Money!"

Although money disputes can arise over any financial matter, such as the right car to buy or where to vacation, Tyson says it's especially likely they'll surface over a home purchase.

"Choosing which house to buy is a tremendously high-stakes decision," he says. "And people don't always realize how many strong feelings are packed into that choice." Given all the emotion, Tyson says it's understandable that husband and wife are often at odds on where to live and what abode to buy.

"Sometimes, one partner dominates the decision-making and the other one simply surrenders. But this is dangerous because it can create lasting resentment within the couple," he says.

To avert an unhappy outcome, Tyson recommends that couples take the time to talk out their individual hopes and ideals before committing to a particular neighborhood or property. Here are a few pointers:

-- Communicate your views on money early in your relationship.

Some couples approach marriage with more of a focus on their wedding than on deep-seated attitudes about money and other values.

"People shy away from money discussions before marriage. They fear that talking about money will seem unromantic," Tyson says.

However, money issues -- including attitudes about the right home to buy -- are so central to a couple's plans that refusing to address them early "can lead to fireworks for the marriage later," Tyson says.

Before they can reach a solid decision on which home to buy, a couple needs to unearth their primary beliefs about money, says Tyson, whose book includes paper-and-pencil exercises to help people discover unspoken values about financial matters.

"Try to pull away from your hectic life -- if only for a couple of hours -- to discuss what's really important to each of you before you go out looking for housing," Tyson says.

-- First seek agreement on a neighborhood, then on a specific home.

Agreeing on broad money decisions is a good prelude for more focused conversations on real estate. For example, early on you should decide if you want to max out on your mortgage eligibility. After that, it's time to zero in on a community you like, says Leo Berard, charter president of the National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents (naeba.org).

He advocates for couples to take a systematic approach to neighborhood selection, with both partners first itemizing their individual priorities before then compiling a unified list.

Once you've selected a neighborhood, the next step is to choose an architectural style and floor plans that work for both of you.

-- Use "I don't like" lists to discover your personal preferences.

During his more than two decades running an independent realty firm, Berard developed several strategies to help homebuyers figure out what type of property to buy. His favorite tool: "I Don't Like" lists.

The idea is for both partners to create separate lists of home features they dislike in their present residence -- whether that current home is a rented apartment or a detached house. For example, maybe the husband loathes their tiny kitchen, which makes it tough to host dinner parties. And perhaps the wife is unhappy that their kids lack a playroom with ample space for toys.

Once you have your individual "I don't like" lists written out, simply reverse the elements on each list to discover those features that are genuinely important to each of you.

"It's amazing how really helpful these lists of dislikes can be when you're trying to determine what you really want. They can also help to highlight disparities between husband and wife," Berard says.

-- Consider asking your agent to help you reconcile differences.

Although real estate agents aren't trained as psychologists, Tyson says they can often be helpful to couples who find themselves at odds over the type of property to buy.

"It's not always possible to bridge wide discrepancies. But an experienced agent -- who's long used mediation skills to assist other clients -- should be willing to give it a try," Tyson says.

-- Leave your kids out of the decision-making process.

Suppose you and your partner are struggling to find common ground between his preference to buy a one-level house with a small terrace and your desire for a large colonial with a spacious yard where your kids and dogs could romp.

Because you're a family, you may wish to bring the children along on house-hunting expeditions. Indeed, you might even imagine your kids could help you reconcile your differences and therefore make a sound decision.

But Tyson says kids are rarely helpful and that more often their involvement in the decision-making process will result in confusion rather than resolution.

Should you decide to bring your children along, Tyson says you should make sure you let them know that Mom and Dad will be the ones making the ultimate decision on what to buy.

"Teenagers can be especially opinionated on what they like in a house. Go ahead and let them weigh in on your decision. But giving them a vote or veto will only complicate matters," Tyson says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

When the custodial company manager and his schoolteacher wife put their ranch-style house on the market, the place was completely prepped: clean carpets, new kitchen cabinets and fresh paint throughout. Still, the sellers fretted.

"Just one day into the listing, I got a call from the sellers saying they were losing lots of sleep. Right out of the gate, they were frantic their house wouldn't sell and they couldn't contain their anxiety," recalls Sid Davis, the real estate broker who listed the property.

Davis says the couple's worries were baseless. Year after year, houses sell well in their coveted, middle-income neighborhood. Given the strong schools in the area and the excellent condition of their property, Davis knew the couple would also do well on the sale of their place -- a solid 1970s-era three-bedroom house with a big family room and a sizeable backyard.

As it turned out, the couple didn't have long to worry. Their house sold in just two weeks and for nearly their full asking price, allowing them to move forward with their dream move.

Davis, the author of "A Survival Guide to Selling a Home," says it's common for home-sellers to worry and that anxiety is prevalent in strong real estate markets as well as weak.

Real estate prices are rebounding in many communities, and inventories are shrinking. Logically, such positives should help calm sellers' nerves. But many anxious sellers still call their listing agent several times a day in search of reassurance.

Davis says sellers caught in a web of worry only make it tougher to deal with the selling process.

"Fear can make it much harder for you -- not to mention your agent -- to get your home sold," he says.

Here are several pointers for sellers:

-- Resist the urge to pressure your listing agent.

In the early days after his family's ranch-style house went up for sale, the Davis' custodial manager fretted that he should have made more improvements to the property.

"He kept asking me if he should have replaced his carport with a two-car garage, because many neighbors' houses had garages. But I told him he would have recovered only 60 percent of his investment in the garage. Unfortunately, this was just one of his many queries," Davis recalls.

Putting pressure on your listing agent might seem helpful at the time. But it can backfire if the agent feels harassed and starts to resent your non-stop calls and emails, Davis says.

-- Don't view open houses as a panacea.

The longer a home stays on the market, the more likely it is that the owners will ask the listing agent to conduct repeated open houses.

But many real estate pros, such as Dorcas Helfant, a former president of the National Association of Realtors (www.realtor.org), say that open houses provide little benefit.

Instead of pressing your listing agent to conduct more open houses, Helfant says you might consider asking for an "office caravan" to gain tips on making your place more saleable. During such an event, a number of agents from the same office will come through to critique the property and offer low-cost ideas for a better presentation.

Davis says the reason it's rare for homes to sell during a public open house is that few who visit are serious buyers.

"Lots of these folks are just 'looky-loos.' They're curious neighbors or, believe it or not, they're people who make a hobby out of going to open houses every weekend," he says.

-- Face the reality that asking too much is a self-defeating strategy.

Prices are rising currently in many neighborhoods. But Davis says some owners -- who've been sitting on the sidelines waiting to sell for several years -- are now tempted to overprice. This is especially likely if their home has been "underwater," meaning they owe more on the mortgage than the home is worth.

"They get excited and go overboard on price. They think it's a good idea to test the market. But they go too far, and it backfires," Davis says.

Pricing correctly has always been difficult, particularly in neighborhoods where values are changing rapidly. In such areas, a careful review of very recent sales of similar properties -- known as "comparables" -- is all the more important.

"Remembering the economic downturn, buyers are still worried they'll overpay. They're very educated on home values, so you can't trick them into overpaying. If you ask too much, they'll just ignore you and never make an offer," Davis says.

-- Let go of stress with a cleaning blitz.

Davis has sold property since 1984, and during that time he's observed a gradual decline in the cleanliness of homes shown for sale. His explanation? There are more single-parent and dual-income families who are too busy to keep up with housework. Yet more than ever, current buyers want a property that's exceptionally clean and free of clutter.

Homeowners who are anxious their property won't sell would do well to channel some of their nervous energy into an old-fashioned cleaning blitz that covers every inch of their property, according to Davis. That's because showing a home in sparkling condition can give you a competitive edge over less-tidy properties in the same area.

"You get a huge return on your time when you do the work to ensure your home is spotless. Believe me, you'll stand out if your house is super clean," Davis says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)

She's a high school teacher; he's a petroleum engineer. Both are in their late 50s -- near the front end of the baby boom generation. Their four kids are all married and out of the house. But at a time when many boomers are downsizing, this couple is moving to a much larger, more luxurious property.

"They're buying that 'last hurrah' house -- a place with more breathing room and a better view. They also want vaulted ceilings, a gourmet kitchen, a master bedroom suite on the first floor and a three-car garage," says Linda Steis, their real estate broker.

Steis, who specializes in helping senior buyers, allows that only a minority of boomers -- people born between 1946 and 1964 -- are upsizing. But she says an increasing number in this generation who can afford to live larger are now opting to do so.

"They want a house with all the features they've dreamed about for years. They're looking at the unbelievably low mortgage rates available now and saying 'let's finally go for it'," Steis says.

Despite rising property prices, Steis says her clients -- the teacher and engineer -- found they could afford more house than expected. With a relatively small increase in monthly payments, they're planning to move from a 3,000-square-foot house with four bedrooms to a 5,000-square-foot place with seven bedrooms.

"They're very family-oriented. And although they don't yet have grandchildren, they'll have plenty of space for the kids when they do," Steis says.

Debra Attman, an agent affiliated with the Council of Residential Specialists (www.crs.com), says some baby boomers wish to fulfill a "trophy house" fantasy.

She adds that many people who wouldn't consider buying a big property during the depths of the latest recession are now going forward as the economy improves.

Attman estimates that more than 35 percent of upper- end homes -- those in the top 20 percent of the price range -- are now purchased by boomers with no kids at home.

Though many boomers are still struggling to amass enough money to cover their basic needs in retirement, others are very comfortable financially -- due to savings, inherited money or both.

Given the size of the baby boom population, real estate agents are gearing up to serve the housing needs of both downsizers and upsizers. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the population of Americans over age 65 is expected to more than double in the coming decades.

Are you a boomer seeking a larger home? If so, these pointers could prove helpful:

-- Look for sellers who are highly motivated.

As with those selling property at any price point, the sellers of high-end homes vary in their level of motivation. Some are much more driven than others.

Some homeowners -- called "discretionary sellers" -- feel no urgency. They will hold out indefinitely until they get the price they want.

In contrast, motivated sellers have serious reasons for wanting or needing to move. Some are facing a financial setback or serious illness. Others are under contract to buy another home and can't afford to carry two mortgages.

Yet another reason for strong seller motivation involves a divorce in which a property must be liquidated to meet a court requirement.

As a buyer, why should you care if the sellers of a property you like are motivated? Because those under pressure are much more likely to bargain in earnest.

It's often quite easy to determine sellers' level of motivation, particularly if they're facing money problems.

"Sometimes there are flags to show that the owners can no longer afford to keep the house up. Maybe the floors are in poor condition, the kitchen cabinets are worn or some appliances aren't working," Attman says.

She recommends that buyers not waste time trying to negotiate with unmotivated sellers. You're much more likely to get a good deal from those who must move on.

-- Don't rule out listings that have gone "stale."

Some motivated sellers are nonetheless unrealistic about the market value of their property. This causes them to hang on to their inflated list price for a lengthy period, discounting it only after they've become desperate.

Sellers usually get a wake-up call that their price is too high only after a lengthy period with no showings or bids, indicating that their property has developed a stigma. Buyers who are the first to bid after a major price reduction occurs can sometimes snag an exceptional deal, she says.

-- Try to make your offer as condition-free an offer as possible.

Are you seeking to buy in an upper-end neighborhood where the demand for available homes exceeds the supply? If so, Attman recommends you try to make your offer as free of contingencies as possible.

Though you shouldn't waive your right to a professional home inspection, you could remove any clause that makes the purchase conditional on your sale of another property. Even stronger as a negotiating tool is a "cash contract" that doesn't require you to get mortgage approval.

Older buyers, especially those who have amassed substantial savings or have inherited money, can sometimes buy a move-up property with cash. As Attman says, this is a powerful bargaining chip.

"Sellers love cash offers, because they're usually quick to close and there's no fear an appraisal will come in low," she says.

-- Keep your eye on your ultimate goal.

Though most boomer buyers are empty nesters, Attman insists it's not irrational for them to buy a big property that will likely prove their last major real estate purchase. Perhaps they still want to fulfill their urge for a gourmet kitchen or a three-car garage to store classic cars, for example.

"They're saying if not now, when will I buy my dream home?" My response is, "If you can really afford it and really want a big house, why not go for it? The big advantage of being older is that you finally know what you truly want," Attman says.

(To contact Ellen James Martin, email her at ellenjamesmartin@gmail.com.)