TO MY READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we begin this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year. -- Love, ABBY
Newly Sober Mom Regrets Pain She Caused Her Family
DEAR ABBY: After smoking marijuana for 20 years, I quit two days ago. My head is starting to clear now, and things are coming into focus. I missed so much, and I feel terrible about it.
How many times did I say no to my kids because I was lazy? How many times have I yelled at them for just asking a question? My 6-year-old would have this frightened look because he wanted something and I yelled because he interrupted me from doing nothing.
I was at my in-laws' on Father's Day and started yelling at my husband for getting mad at me because I told his father, "Heck, you're not my dad, so what do I care?" The neighbors heard me, I'm sure. My father-in-law didn't even come out of his bedroom, and I'm sure my husband won't forget it.
Although I'm not the nicest to him at times, he loves me. I can be downright disrespectful, and my kids see this. It's the reason I quit smoking. Almost daily, I hear my 13-year-old say, "Stop yelling, Mom," or, "Why are you yelling, Mom?" I have so many regrets.
Can I make up for them? What can I do so my kids will remember good times and not just me yelling? Not sure where or how to start erasing the bad. Any advice would be appreciated. -- SMOKE IS CLEARING
DEAR SMOKE: You have already taken the first step in making it up to your family by admitting your smoking was hurting them and quitting. The next step will be to apologize to each of your family members for your behavior and let them know you know it was wrong and hurtful and that it won't continue.
The last steps may be the most difficult. Resolve not to lapse back into the old patterns, do whatever is necessary to prevent it and join a support group if necessary. I wish you success in your sobriety.
DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law adopted their child at birth. It was something I assumed the baby would grow up knowing. Unfortunately, it has never been revealed to the child, and the "child" is now practically an adult. I know it isn't my place to say anything, but the truth hangs over me like a dark cloud, and I feel complicit in the lie.
My children, who are younger, don't know, and I worry that if they ever discover it, they will think my partner and I are liars and resent us for not being honest all these years.
This is a sensitive subject to broach to my brother and his wife. I have tried and been met with yelling and tears. Is there anything to be done at this point? -- GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION
DEAR GUILTY: Although I wholeheartedly agree that children who are adopted should be told at an early age, the decision to reveal or withhold that information resides with the parents, not you. At some point, their child may need accurate information for medical reasons.
How your children could think you and your partner are liars for not telling them something that's really none of their business mystifies me. There is nothing for you to do at this point, so please resist the urge to venture further into this minefield.
Deleted Texts to New Friend Arouse Wife's Suspicions
DEAR ABBY: My husband is currently at a job that, at first, he complained was a "drag." It later became a place he seemed to be OK working at.
A new male employee was hired -- a man who is on his second marriage -- and he became friendly with my husband. Over the last few months I have noticed my husband texting him quite often during his days off, including very late at night.
One day I confronted him after I checked his phone to see what they were texting and saw he had deleted some messages, even those he had shared with me as they were texting. He admitted that he had asked him about his first marriage and divorce since we were having some issues and said that's why he deleted the messages.
When my husband starts drinking at home, he starts texting him, occasionally throughout the night until he goes to bed (it could be until 5 a.m.). He deletes all those messages so I can't see them. What do you think is going on? Even on days he is off, he goes by his job to take care of something or help out. -- SUSPICIOUS IN TEXAS
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: What I think is going on is less important by far than what you think is going on. It appears your husband has found a kindred spirit in this new employee -- or something more. Dumping on his co-worker about problems in your marriage won't lead to satisfactory conclusions.
The two of you need to resolve your issues -- including the fact that you no longer trust him -- by talking them through with a licensed marriage and family counselor. Please don't wait until the situation deteriorates further to consult one.
Accident Survivor Gets Little Sympathy for Near-Death Experience
DEAR ABBY: I was involved in a nearly fatal car accident some years ago. My problem is people are always telling me I should be over it by now, and there shouldn't be any more complaints or pain at this late date.
Well, that one day changed my life drastically. I'm still healing emotionally, not to mention there are lifelong injuries I will never be able to overcome. My back is in constant pain, and I can no longer lift anything. I also get daily horrific migraines. Because of that, I lost the best job I ever had, which has affected me more than anything.
People can be insensitive, patronizing and just plain rude if I mention any current issues regarding my condition. Most times I respond aggressively; at others, I try my best not to be offended by their lack of empathy. While I certainly don't want or need pity, the fact that my near-death experience is shrugged off as just an "incident" bothers me greatly. What more can I do? Or should I just stay silent and count my blessings? -- SURVIVOR IN MISSOURI
DEAR SURVIVOR: There is nothing more you can do, other than politely refuse if you are asked to do something that's now beyond your capacity. As you have discovered, responding aggressively is counterproductive.
Because these individuals have conveyed that they no longer want to hear about your accident, you may have to confide in a willing friend or a licensed therapist when you need to get things off your chest. The latter might be more satisfying than trying to talk to people who can no longer tolerate hearing about something they have no solution for.
Early Lesson in Social Graces Helps Overcome Initial Shyness
DEAR ABBY: When I was a young adult, I had difficulty speaking with strangers. I recall, some years later, attending a party in honor of someone I truly admired. Most of the people there didn't know each other.
Someone had the bright idea for each of us to tell how we knew the honoree. We went around the circle describing our connection to the person. This not only kept the spotlight on the honoree, but it was a great icebreaker. I found myself interested in several of the folks there, and it gave me fodder to follow up with questions for them when we began to mingle.
I learned a valuable lesson that night. Curiosity is wonderful, and as you have pointed out, people like to talk about themselves. Now when I'm in a room full of strangers, I find it easier to smile and ask, "How do you know Susie?" or, "What brings you to this event?" I am no longer shy about attending gatherings where I won't know anyone. I actually like meeting new folks.
Abby, thank you for your column and for offering your booklet that teaches people how to be more comfortable in social situations. I'm sure more than a few of your readers need it. -- MIXING AND MINGLING IN NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR M AND M: You're welcome. No one is born knowing how to be social. Social adeptness is a skill like any other. People don't have to be brilliant or a laugh riot. Part of being social -- something you picked up on at that party -- is the importance of showing an interest in other people. A smile is an excellent icebreaker, and part of being charming is being a good listener.
Of course, you should cultivate your own interests so you will have something to add to a conversation. My booklet "How To Be Popular" contains many useful tips for polishing social skills for people of all ages -- how to approach others, what to say and what not to say. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Good conversationalists prioritize what others have to say rather than feel pressured to fill the air with the sound of their own voices. And remember: Most people can focus on only one thing at a time. So forget about yourself and concentrate on the other person. If you try it, you'll find that it works like a charm.
Woman Draws the Line at Helping Boyfriend With Home Repairs
DEAR ABBY: Why does my boyfriend always expect me to help him with his home repairs when I don't live there and don't plan to for a long while? I live in my own house, and I don't ask him to come help me fix a downed fence. How should I handle this situation? -- FIXIN' TO ARGUE IN TEXAS
DEAR FIXIN': Do not "argue." If you prefer not to help your boyfriend with his home repairs, tell him you have other plans. (And if you don't have any but don't want to be conscripted, make some.)