DEAR READERS: Have a very happy and healthy Fourth of July, everyone. And please, be safe! -- LOVE, ABBY
Man's Wife Feels Threatened by His High School Sweetheart
DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter-in-law I love to pieces and would never intentionally hurt in any way. I recently had contact with my son's ex-girlfriend, "Kayley." She had seen me at church with them, contacted me and came by our house for a visit.
She and my son were very young when they dated (high school) and haven't spoken to each other in years. I stayed in contact with her off and on over the years because I always thought a lot of her. Both of them have married others and created their own lives.
Our son and his wife live next door to us and were out of town the day Kayley stopped by, but returned before she left. My son chewed me out, and now my daughter-in-law won't speak to me. I tried to talk to her and would apologize if I had the chance, but she sent me a text saying I had crossed a line and how inconsiderate it was of me having Kayley drop by. She said it made her feel small and uncomfortable (they only saw her from a distance and didn't even know who it was at first).
Was I wrong for staying in contact with my son's high school ex-girlfriend? Was I wrong for inviting her to come by? What's the best way to handle this because I want to keep peace in our family? -- MONSTER-IN-LAW IN TEXAS
DEAR M.I.L.: You weren't wrong to stay in touch with someone you liked. And you should be free to entertain anyone you like in your home. It strikes me as sad that your daughter-in-law would react the way she has. It shows how deeply insecure she is.
Because you want to keep peace in the family, refrain from having Kayley over, and see her elsewhere. And if she asks you why, explain that it made your daughter-in-law uncomfortable.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my wife and I decided together that I would work and she would raise the kids. Well, times and the economy have changed. We need a second income. Even a part-time retail job would help tremendously right now. I have made countless sacrifices to keep our home and lifestyle afloat. All the while she refuses to pursue anything except what she believes to be "her purpose" or what represents her "best self."
What about me? My health? Our home? Our children and their education? How about a job that she might not be crazy about for a decent paycheck so we can save a little and not have to worry about how much our prescription costs are? My resentment is growing. I work 60 hours a week and gave up a career I loved. Am I asking too much? -- RESENTFUL IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR RESENTFUL: No, you are not asking too much. Times have indeed changed, and your wife needs to wake up and accept that her dream job may have to be postponed because of circumstances beyond her (and your) control. Successful marriages are partnerships, and because being the sole wage earner has become so stressful that you would write to me about it, it's time your wife took her head out of the clouds and faced reality. If a second income will take some of the stress off your shoulders, she needs to step forward for the sake of you and the children.
Neighbor Retreats Into House After Man's Stunning Request
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 60-year-old woman. My house is on a corner lot. Just about every time I walk outside, a male neighbor of mine stares at me. He looks like a hobo.
I felt bad for him, so when he came to the edge of his yard, I asked him from my deck how he was doing because of the quarantine. He responded by telling me to wear a dress because he wants to have sex with me! I was stunned and went back into the house. I didn't know he was that crazy. Besides ignoring him, what if anything should I do? -- SHOCKED NEIGHBOR IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR NEIGHBOR: Because this was a one-time occurrence, it's possible your neighbor may have been "under the influence," or has mental health challenges or a touch of dementia. From now on, ignore him, avoid him and warn the other women in the neighborhood about what happened. If I were one of them, I would like to know.
Other than that, there's not much you can do unless his behavior escalates and he becomes a nuisance. In that case, you may want to go online to the National Sex Offender Registry just to make sure your neighbor is not a registered sex offender. Then it will be time to file a police report.
Writer Finds Putting Thoughts Down on Paper Is Next Best Thing to Therapy
DEAR ABBY: When seeing a therapist is not an option, I have found writing to be helpful. A cheap spiral-bound school notebook works great. The idea is to write at least one full page every day.
Some days, all I can say is, "I don't want to write," but I fill that page anyway, so that the commitment is met. However, other days I find I can pour my heart out, unload the things that are hurting me, express my anger, resentments, disappointments and longings. Sometimes, while I'm waiting for the thoughts to come, an insight or solution will present itself.
Because I'm afraid of my thoughts being found and read by someone else, I destroy each page after it's written. Names can be disguised. The simple act of getting those thoughts out of my head and onto paper helps to relieve stress tremendously. Just thought I'd share this with you. -- WRITING IT DOWN IN THE EAST
DEAR WRITING: Writing or journaling is a very effective way to organize one's thoughts and purge negative emotions. I'm glad you suggested it because I think it may help some of my readers. Thank you!
Kind Strangers Do More Harm Than Good Buying Treats for Kids
DEAR ABBY: I babysit my nieces and nephews. While we are grocery shopping and we get to the checkout, they'll ask for candy or chips. If I tell them no, it's usually because they have already had a treat, it's too close to a meal or perhaps because they have misbehaved.
What do I do when the person behind me offers to buy it for them? I know they assume I refused because I don't have the money, and they are trying to be helpful. Saying, "No, thank you," just upsets the child when he or she knows someone wanted to buy them a treat. Any ideas? -- NO MEANS NO IN GEORGIA
DEAR NO MEANS NO: Instead of just saying, "No, thank you," to the person making the offer, explain the reason for your refusal as you have explained it to me. That way, the well-meaning stranger understands that you are not short of funds, and your nieces and nephews hear the reason as well.
Girl's Tantrums Stymie Man's Relationship With Her Mom
DEAR ABBY: I have met the most remarkable woman, but after eight months of serious dating, I have realized that she has the worst and most manipulating 10-year-old daughter ever. She constantly claims sickness, and now even mental health issues like anxiety and panic disorder, although they have never been formally diagnosed, to prevent her mother and me from having time together. Immediately after her mother agrees to her daughter's request and lets her get her way, the kid becomes happy and energetic, and goes back to playing. (I feel she is laughing in my face.) The numerous cancellations and tantrums are very upsetting, and it hurts my feelings when the person I love most in the world sets me aside.
I had considered proposing marriage. I have a 13- and 17-year-old who are both respectful, energetic and happy. They have been through a lot since their mother abandoned us, but they would never consider acting out like this girl.
Last weekend I was asked to bring her requested dinner and then leave, because she wanted Mommy to watch her watercolor. Abby, they are together every day, almost all day, and close relatives refuse to watch the child.
Is a resolution possible? Should I stay or should I go? When do I have the right to say enough is enough? The constant exclusions make me feel insignificant. -- COUNTED OUT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR COUNTED OUT: If "close relatives" refuse to watch the child so your lady friend can have a break, there may be more to this story than you have written. The girl is fighting for her mother -- and winning. From where I sit, Mama could benefit from some discussions with a child psychologist and lessons in how to say no to her daughter.
Adult relationships are supposed to make both parties feel better, not insignificant. As to whether you should stay or go, I think you would be wise to take a break from this relationship because, as it stands, it is going nowhere.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who has stopped by unannounced several times. She'll send me a text, but without giving me a chance to respond, she just pops over. One time I was in the middle of studying for an exam and it wasn't a good time. Other times I was busy doing something and was startled when she showed up.
Finally, I mentioned something in a text about how much I liked her as a friend but would really appreciate if she would wait for a response to her text before stopping by. It has been two or three days now, and she hasn't responded. I even said I didn't want to hurt her feelings and hope she understands.
I would think most people feel as I do about unannounced visitors, but I could be wrong. I would like to ask her how she would feel about it, but before I do, I need to know what's "normal." -- BUSY AND BOTHERED
DEAR B & B: It is considered normal good manners to ask if it is convenient -- and wait for a response -- before stopping by someone's home so it will not be an intrusion. You were studying, but many people work from home and also don't want to be disturbed. Others prefer to be "presentable" before they have company. Interesting, isn't it, how many self-centered individuals become hypersensitive when called on their behavior.