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Man Tells Wife His Travel Plans on Need-to-Know Basis
DEAR ABBY: I could use your advice on training my husband. He refuses to enter his work travel schedule on the household calendar. He snapped at me this week when he finally revealed that he was leaving Sunday. It took three more days to get the date he was coming back. It was like pulling teeth. It left me with only two days to decide how to enjoy the time alone. I suspect that he's withholding his travel data to keep me from enjoying myself too much while he's gone.
I think it's disrespectful to keep your wife in the dark until just a day or two before you leave. I need a way to motivate my man to share his travel dates earlier. I'm at the point where I'm tempted to ignore him and his travel since he is acting more like a child than a husband. I'm not his mommy, and I need to break his mean streak. Advice? -- KEPT IN THE DARK IN LOUISIANA
DEAR KEPT: Stop putting yourself at your husband's mercy. You are both adults. If you need a break and would like to schedule appointments, see a play, visit with friends, go on a trip, whatever -- schedule it regardless of when your husband will be traveling. And enjoy yourself.
Long-Time Employee Regrets Lack of a Retirement Plan
DEAR ABBY: I have worked for the same doctor for 29 years. My 30-year anniversary is approaching. People think I should be ready to retire when he does. The problem is, I live paycheck to paycheck, and there is no retirement plan. What little money I had saved went out the window when I got a divorce a few years ago.
I know I need to quit and go somewhere that offers REAL benefits, but I feel like leaving will create a huge rift. I adore the patients, and I know they will ask him what happened. I don't want to seem ungrateful.
I know it's my fault for not demanding more earlier. I get depressed when patients tell me about their retirement plans, or I hear about his. I will be working until I die. I'm afraid he will take the staff out for a nice lunch to celebrate my 30 years, and I will be so sad or bitter that I won't be able to hide it. -- LIVING PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK
DEAR LIVING: Talk to your boss about your dilemma NOW. In light of the fact that you have worked for him for so long, perhaps he will consider instituting a retirement plan now. If he is unwilling, then it's time to look for other employment with better compensation and hope you can find a match even if it means missing the luncheon.
DEAR ABBY: Please enlighten me on etiquette. My friend and I were out to lunch. While we were sitting there, she got on Facebook and posted about it. I think it was rude of her not to ask if I minded. It's not a secret, but why put it on Facebook? I don't understand why people think they have to advertise everything they do. Do they do it because they want to feel important? -- OLD-FASHIONED WOMAN
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: I am sure some of them do. Others may do it because they want to memorialize the occasion or think others are actually interested. If you preferred that she not do it, you should have spoken up, told her you are a private person and asked her to please not mention your name or post your image in the future.
Man Who Flirts Online Brushes Aside His Girlfriend's Concerns
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been a couple for three years. We live together and have an incredible relationship and an amazing sex life. A while ago, he was approached by a strange woman on social media. Through Hangouts he told her she was beautiful and that he was looking for the right woman to be with. Their communication lasted about a week.
It has now happened again. He handed out his phone number, and this one has sent him videos of her dancing wearing next to nothing. He tells her she has an amazing body and made comments to the effect that she must be wild in bed and he thinks only of her. When he talks to these other women, he tells them he lives alone.
When I tell him this bothers me, he doesn't get upset. He swears he has feelings for only me and no one else, and that he's just having a little fun. I want to believe him, but I feel hurt and disrespected when I read what he's saying to these women. My heart is heavy because he used to talk to me like that and no longer does. Should I be worried? -- SHARING HIM IN OHIO
DEAR SHARING HIM: You should not only be worried, you should be out of there. You may have invested three years in this person, but the sooner you divest yourself of him the better it will be for you. His actions show that his word cannot be trusted. He's not only lying to these women, he is also lying to you. Men who love and respect women do not treat them the way he is treating you.
Friend Misinterprets Girl's Comment About Feelings
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl, and I'm bisexual. Some of my closest friends know, but that's it. Mom doesn't know, and neither do my gramma or papa. I'm afraid if I tell them they'll be disappointed in their little girl. Also, I'm growing up without a father, so that may have something to do with it. I wonder if not having a male role model is why I'm driven to like girls.
It took me a while to figure out that I was bisexual. It was at the beginning of seventh grade, when people were talking about being bi. So I guess I need to find out who I am as a person.
When I told my friend I was bi and I liked her, she was shocked and surprised. I think she took it the wrong way and thought I was asking her out. That afternoon she came up to me and said, "I like you, but only as a friend. I hope this doesn't damage our friendship." For me it did, and I haven't gotten the courage to go talk to her about it again. I was only saying that to tell her how I feel, not to ask her out. -- INSECURE AND CONFUSED
DEAR INSECURE AND CONFUSED: You are right that you need to find out who you are as a person. You are very young and still discovering. People do not become gay or bisexual because of conversations they hear in the seventh grade or because their fathers are absent. Sexual orientation is simply a part of who we are.
You were clumsy about the way you "outed" yourself to your friend. Put aside your fears, talk to her again and explain that you weren't asking her out, and the feelings you were describing were not directed at her. If she's truly a friend, everything will be all right.
Man Plans to Bequest Money to the Soul Mate He Deserted
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I had a romance with a young girl in a faraway town. After a year, thinking I could do better, I moved on. With the benefit of hindsight, I now realize she stood head and shoulders above all the others, and I had tragically discarded my soul mate.
By chance, I ended up settling in the same city as she. She eventually married and raised a family. Now and then we would run into each other, exchange a few friendly words and a quick hug, then move on. On one of those occasions, she was accompanied by her husband and introduced me as a "friend" from back in our younger days. Although he was cordial, I could see in his expression that he wondered if perhaps there wasn't more to the story than that.
In the course of getting my papers and estate arranged, it is clear I have done fairly well in terms of money. I divorced years ago and have no children. I am leaving money to a relative or two, some assorted charities and, for two reasons, I have decided to leave a reasonably large sum to my soul mate. For one, she was, and is, perhaps the finest person I have ever known. Second, it is obvious to me that they can use the money.
But what happens when this windfall drops out of the sky into their laps? I have no wish to cause problems in their apparently happy marriage in any way, but I cannot help but think that despite my good intentions it might cause a disturbance in their relationship. Am I doing the right thing, and is there a better way to do it? -- "JOHN BERESFORD TIPTON JR."
DEAR "MR. TIPTON": Your letter brings to mind a television series from years ago called "The Millionaire." Each week the representative of an eccentric multimillionaire, John Beresford Tipton Jr., would hand some deserving person a check for $1 million in the hope that it would improve the person's life.
Ask your financial adviser or the person who will administer your estate how to discreetly pull off an anonymous bequest, and I'm sure the person can make it happen.
Grandparents Are Counted Out at Granddaughter's Graduation
DEAR ABBY: For a year and a half, my wife and I have been looking forward to attending our granddaughter's college graduation. (She will be graduating on June 1.) When I called my son to discuss hotel and other arrangements, he told me my granddaughter initially was allowed only three tickets, but managed to get two more tickets from students whose relatives could not attend. He then informed me that he, his ex-wife, his son, his ex-wife's sister and the sister's live-in boyfriend will be using the tickets.
I feel very hurt that the ex's sister and boyfriend got tickets instead of me and my wife. We had planned to give my granddaughter $500 for graduation. After this slap in the face, should we give her the $500, which we have given to all our other grandchildren upon their graduation? -- LEFT OUT IN FLORIDA
DEAR LEFT OUT: Yes, you should. Although you are right to feel hurt and offended, the blame should rest with your son and not your granddaughter, and she should not be penalized for it.