DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to "choose" to forgive someone? My 20-year-old nephew recently turned his life around. He has a good job, a nice girlfriend and a baby on the way. But when he and my sister were living with my late mother a few years ago, he trashed Mom's basement (where he was living), and it cost her hundreds of dollars to repair the damage. He also stole money from her and once threatened my life. He smoked and drank as a teen, quit school, and did nothing more than play video games.
I'm glad he has changed his ways, but he has never apologized for the way he treated us. It seems I'm expected by everyone to forgive and forget, but I can't. Please don't suggest counseling. He wouldn't go.
I don't want to be estranged from his girlfriend and my great-nephew, but I have no interest in engaging with him unless he makes amends for his past behavior. My sister always seemed oblivious to his bad behavior. In her eyes, her son can do no wrong. Is there any way to reconcile his particular past with the present? -- STILL ANGRY IN MINNESOTA
DEAR STILL ANGRY: Yes, it is possible to choose to forgive. But it doesn't appear that your nephew has completely turned his life around. Part of growing up is becoming a responsible individual. Making amends for past misdeeds is a part of that process your nephew seems to have skipped.
If you would like to have a relationship with his girlfriend and their child, nothing prevents it. But it doesn't mean you must have amnesia about the way you and your mother were treated by your nephew. Talk to him about this so you can get the closure you are seeking.