A GENTLE REMINDER TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight wee witches and goblins will be out trick-or-treating. Please supervise them closely so they'll be safe. Happy Halloween, everyone! -- Love, ABBY
Children Cut Off Stepmother With Dad's Power of Attorney
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for women who have stepchildren or are considering marriage to a man with children. My second marriage of 20 years is in limbo with no closure. My three adult stepchildren took my husband away from our home two years ago. He was having some cognitive dementia, but we were doing well in our home. After a fall, everything came apart. To make a long story short, I was naive about legal issues and discovered he had named his children as powers of attorney with no plans for me.
I have not had a visit or phone call in months because his kids will not allow it unless they are present. Our home was jointly shared and the court has ordered me to maintain it with no financial assistance from my husband as I live here. He has been shuttling back and forth between his son and daughter and is presently living in another state.
Abby, I encourage any woman who is considering remarriage to take great care of important legal matters for their well-being in case stepchildren try to "kill" the marriage and take over. I have experienced the ups and downs that go along with abandonment, depression and absence of closure. I am grateful for my family and friends for their love and support. With God's help and prayers, I am still hanging in there. Ladies, beware! -- SURVIVING ALONE
DEAR SURVIVING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It is tragic. Sadly, you are not the only woman I have heard of this happening to; I know one personally. This is why I, too, urge anyone, female or male, who is going into a second marriage to be conscious of the legal ramifications and end-of-life planning and to do it with the help of an attorney.
Patient Is Put Off When Staff Speaks Another Language
DEAR ABBY: My acupuncturist and staff are all bilingual, speaking both English and Spanish. Almost always while I'm sitting in the waiting room, the staff will converse with one another in Spanish like they're the only ones in the room.
Once, a patient came in, and the receptionist didn't recognize the person. She asked the patient her name in English. Once the receptionist realized she knew the patient and the patient spoke Spanish, the remainder of the conversation was in Spanish despite the fact that the woman spoke clear English.
Another time, one of the staff pointed to something on the receptionist's computer screen and spoke in Spanish to the receptionist, and I could see she was showing the receptionist how to do something on the computer. In addition, if any of the staff needs to speak with the doctor during my treatment, Spanish is spoken.
I feel the only time the staff should speak Spanish is when a patient doesn't speak or understand English. What do you think about this? -- DON'T UNDERSTAND IN FLORIDA
DEAR DON'T: What I think is that you should address your concerns to the person whose acupuncture practice it is. Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable and isolated when his or her employees do this in front of you. And if you are not satisfied with the response you receive, change acupuncturists.
Old Flame Returns as Spark Fades in Woman's Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for six years, and we've been together for 10. We bought a house a few years ago, and since then our sex life has significantly decreased. I know the stress of being homeowners hasn't helped our situation, and over the last year I have felt like I'm falling out of love.
A few weeks ago, I ran into a man I dated before my husband, and there was a spark between us that neither of us can deny. He broke my heart years ago, but I can't shake this feeling of wanting -- needing -- to be with him. I can't get him off my mind.
I hate the idea of breaking my husband's heart, but I also don't want to lose the chance to see what could be with my old flame. How can I come out of this on top? I'm terrified that I may have signed on to spend my life with someone who isn't my soul mate. -- AT A CROSSROADS IN N.C.
DEAR CROSSROADS: May I introduce a dose of sobriety? The man who broke your heart years ago is capable of doing it again.
After 10 years have passed, the chances are he, too, is married. If you pursue this, there will be collateral damage. No one, including you, will come out "on top" because someone always pays the price. You and your husband need to figure out why things changed after you bought that house and deal with it. If you do, it may improve your marriage.
Family Keeps Patriarch on a Pedestal Despite Abusive Behavior
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather has been put on a pedestal as the pillar of our family. Everyone except me adores him. I can barely stomach him. He's a racist and a sexist, and he abused my grandmother to her dying day. He now abuses his current wife. He has made her cry many times, but she still continues to cater to and worship him.
Whenever I bring up his issues, family members say it doesn't matter, and he deserves respect no matter how he acts. When I'm around him, I remain polite and respectful. However, I feel no love for him and have no desire to spend more time with him than I absolutely have to. Am I a terrible person? -- UNCERTAIN IN THE SOUTH
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Not at all. You are simply someone who has a lower tolerance for racism, sexism and people who abuse others than the rest of your family.
DEAR ABBY: I understand that a person should stay home when he or she is sick in order to avoid spreading the illness to others. However, if you have plans with a friend, and your brother or sister has the flu but you have NOT gotten sick yet, is it your responsibility to warn your friend that you have been exposed? Should you cancel plans? I mean, what's the considerate thing to do in this situation? -- CAREFUL IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CAREFUL: In a case like this, full disclosure is imperative. If you know you have been exposed to a contagious illness and may be carrying the bug, the considerate thing to do would be to tell your friend so the person has the choice of whether to opt out.
Man's Dramatic Weight Loss Causes Gossip and Concern
DEAR ABBY: My husband has lost a significant amount of weight over a very short period of time. He isn't on drugs and eats well. I have begged him to see a doctor. He has come up with a variety of excuses and reasons why he has lost the weight. First it was because he was stressed at work. Then it was because he was stressed at home. Now he says he just needs to eat and exercise more, but he's "SOOO busy," but he'll start eventually.
It has become a problem for several reasons. One, all the church ladies have concluded that I don't cook at home (which I do). Two, he looks so ill and malnourished that people are asking me if he is on drugs (he has been tested at work, and this is not the case). Three, friends and family are deeply concerned but scared to approach him about his health because he swears he feels fine and is actually doing wonderfully.
Abby, I love my husband. He's a good man, although he can sometimes be stubborn and closed-minded. I'm terrified that he's dying of cancer and he's going to leave me a single mom. I can no longer discuss the subject of weight with him because he gets extremely defensive and says I should just give him time to get back to how he was. How long do I give him? It has been 10 months. I'm afraid if this goes on any longer, it will put a strain on our relationship that won't be easily fixed by just talking it out. -- ALARMED IN LOUISIANA
DEAR ALARMED: Some people foolishly avoid going to the doctor because they are afraid of what they will hear. You should be alarmed because your husband's sudden, unexplained, prolonged weight loss can be a symptom of a life-threatening illness.
This is not a question of how or how well you cook (bless those church ladies!), or whether your husband is on drugs. It is a question of you alerting his doctor, explaining what's going on and possibly saving his life. If he won't listen to reason, put it in terms of him being alive long enough to see his child/children into adulthood. But if he still won't listen to reason, then all you can do is make sure his affairs are in order in case the worst happens.
Soon-To-Be Soldier Worries About Girl He's Leaving Behind
DEAR ABBY: I am about to be shipped off to basic training for the Army, and I have heard many horror stories about military spouses cheating while their significant other is away. Any advice on how to make sure my relationship doesn't end up like that? Do you think she will cheat? -- WONDERING IN TENNESSEE
DEAR WONDERING: Having never met your significant other, I have no way of guessing whether she will cheat on you -- just as I can't predict if the reverse will be true. But this I do know: Communication is the key to overcoming the physical distance. Writing and Skyping as often as you can to share what's going on will keep you from drifting apart.
Will there be more temptations while you're separated? Probably. That's true for both of you. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person -- or anyone -- you should be confident that she's trustworthy.