DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend, "Alec," proposed, I happily accepted. But a few months later he came up with the idea to bring his 9-year-old brother, "Shane," to live with him, so Alec can look after him. Alec thinks the boy will get a better education and improve his behavior if he lives in the city.
Currently, Shane lives with their mom, and she agreed to send her son to live here. The problem is, we plan to get married in two years, and I do not see myself living with an adolescent boy. I want to start out fresh only with Alec. His family can visit, but the prospect of his brother living with us does not appeal to me, especially because he has a mom who can look after him. I am unsure now whether to proceed with the wedding, knowing what this will mean. -- PLANS DERAILED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR PLANS DERAILED: Does your fiance intend to bring Shane to stay immediately? At the beginning of the next school year? Is Shane having social problems at his present school? Academic difficulties? Has he become difficult for their mother to control? Who will be expected to supervise the boy when he is not in school?
You and Alec need to have a lot more conversation about what the realities of this situation will be once the boy arrives. If Alec plans to have responsibility for his brother fall on you, you need to be honest and let him know you are neither willing nor able to do that, so he can make other arrangements.