TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy a good year.
Divorced Dad's Girlfriend Wants Nothing to Do With His Kids
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old divorced father of two. I have had a girlfriend, "Dawn," for about a year. She has met my kids, but she's still uncomfortable with the "situation." She has concerns about me having been married before, such as having experienced many of the firsts she has yet to enjoy.
Dawn doesn't like being in my house because I had it when I was married, and she says my kids remind her of my past. She says she doesn't want to share me with anyone, including them.
When we're alone, we are absolutely phenomenal as a couple. We love and care about each other deeply. This is causing a tremendous amount of stress on us, and neither of us knows how to handle it or what to do. Please help. -- TWO'S COMPANY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TWO'S COMPANY: Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to break it off with this woman before you waste any more of her time or yours. You may be crazy about Dawn, but your first responsibility must be to your children, and she has made it clear how she feels about them.
You may be phenomenal as a couple, but there are more people involved than just the two of you. She needs to find someone who has no encumbrances, and you need to find a lady who has a greater capacity for love than Dawn appears to be capable of.
Friend Questions Companions' Byob Restaurant Habit
DEAR ABBY: I often eat out with friends when we travel and when we're here at home. Some of them bring their own canned drinks or powdered drink mix to add to water served by the restaurant. I have an uneasy feeling about this. I don't think it is right to take my own drink into an eating establishment.
I have never said anything negative about it, but I haven't joined in the practice. Is my discomfort my problem? What do you think about this? -- TESTY SOUTHERN BELLE
DEAR BELLE: What I think about it is less important than what the restaurant does, and not knowing the reason your friends behave this way, I am hesitant to judge them. I'm not sure what kind of canned or powdered drink your friends are bringing, but if they are on some kind of restricted diet, then it's what they need to do for a while. If the restaurant objected, the manager would either tell your friends not to do it anymore or institute a charge to make up for the lost income.
Mother Tries To Shut The Door On Man's Contact With His Child
DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Russell" for four months. We live together and eventually would like to be married. Russ is very honest. He told me he had impregnated a woman prior to me and she was eight months pregnant. I asked him to contact her on my behalf so I can meet her, since we plan on having a future together.
When I called the woman to suggest we meet somewhere, she cursed me out for contacting her and for telling her she can't communicate with Russ unless I'm involved. When Russ told her the same thing, she ordered him not to contact her again.
Russ has tried calling her since then because he wants to be involved in his child's life, but she never called him back. What do you think we should do? -- LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE
DEAR LOOKING: What Russell should do -- and you, as well -- is talk with an attorney to establish exactly what his rights and responsibilities will be to his child, once paternity has been established.
Mother Battles Her Own Fears While Raising Happy Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I had an awful childhood. After I was finally taken into state custody, I cycled through six different foster homes. Because of it I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember.
I'm 28 now and have a 4-year-old daughter who is everything to me. The problem is, I'm terrified of strangers. As a child I saw firsthand how evil people can be, and I am almost paralyzed with fear because of my hyper-vigilance. I fight the battle every day.
I am in counseling and I'm trying, but I am afraid I am going to make my daughter fear the world. She's in Head Start and loves it. Anyone who meets her comments on how happy and outgoing she is, but I don't know how to walk the tightrope between keeping her safe and making her afraid. Any advice would be appreciated. -- TERRIFIED OF STRANGERS
DEAR TERRIFIED: Considering your past, I think you're being a wonderful mother. You are getting professional help and for that I applaud you. You are realistic about your issues, and your daughter appears to be thriving.
You may need counseling for some time to avoid becoming overprotective and to allow your daughter to develop into a healthy adult. While your fears are the result of your history, they do not have to become a part of hers.
DEAR ABBY: As I was going through my gallery of pictures in my cellphone, I stumbled upon some naked pictures of my ex-boyfriend. What should I do with them? -- SAY "CHEESE"
DEAR "CHEESE": Do the same thing with them that you would hope he did with the naked pictures he has of you.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in the lap of luxury at a private country club in the East. My father was the golf pro. In my teens I noticed that these wealthy people always introduced one acquaintance to another whenever they met for a chat. I also noticed that my lower-income friends and family never did.
After moving across the country to the West Coast as an adult, I have noticed that nobody -- rich or poor -- seems to go out of their way to introduce a new face to others in the room. What would you say accounts for this? -- DONNA IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR DONNA: A person can't do what he or she hasn't been taught. During the 1960s, many parents stopped teaching their children social refinements like the one you describe. The result has been a lack of sensitivity in social interactions, and it is evident in more ways than this one.
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago I began using a name other than my given name. It's one I made up and used during pretend games when I was a child, so it's personally significant.
A friend recently told me that because it is a common Japanese name, it is culturally inappropriate for me to use it because I am not Asian. It is also a name in Hebrew, German and Ancient Egyptian, as I recently learned. Is it wrong for me to use the name? -- THE NEW "ME" IN COLORADO
DEAR NEW "ME": No, it's not. You can call yourself any name you wish. Many parents have given their child a name from another culture because they liked the sound of it, and you don't have to make any apologies for changing yours.
News About Cheating Boyfriend Is an Unwelcome Revelation
DEAR ABBY: What are the ethics in outing a cheater? Someone I know has been cheated on by her boyfriend for two years -- about as long as she has been with him. I know this because the woman he has been cheating with is someone I know.
Last week, I told the girl her boyfriend has been cheating. Now I am suddenly a pariah and outcast. I felt she had the right to know, but was I wrong? Should I not have told her? -- ANNOYED IN CHICAGO
DEAR ANNOYED: In this age of social diseases, I don't think it's wrong to tell someone that a boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating so he or she can be tested. However, as you have discovered, doing it is risky.
There's a saying, "Don't shoot the messenger," that's been around forever. It implies that a person who delivers unwelcome news will be blamed for it. While you and I would want to be told that we were being betrayed, obviously, your former friend didn't, which is why you're being punished.
Couple's Loud Lovemaking Keeps Other Tenants Up At Night
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I live in a duplex. We manage it, live in the lower unit and have three tenants upstairs.
One of them, whose bedroom is directly above ours, recently got a girlfriend. Aside from some loud video game- playing, he was always the quietest guy and has never been disruptive. But since he and this girl got together, they have been disturbing the entire house with their noisy lovemaking. It starts with a few bangs against the wall that become constant, and then the screams start.
I have no idea how to approach this respectfully and professionally. Please give me your thoughts. -- BOTHERED IN BOZEMAN, MONT.
DEAR BOTHERED: Write the tenant a short letter explaining that there is now a noise problem that didn't exist before. Explain that the screams of ecstasy have awakened you and your boyfriend more than once, and ask him to "lower the volume." If an accommodation can't be reached, the lovebirds might want to consider moving to a place of their own.
Daughter Has Long History Of Coming Up Short Financially
DEAR ABBY: I have been frugal all my life. I have managed to accumulate a cushion should I become ill or need money for emergencies.
My oldest daughter is the exact opposite. She makes stupid financial decisions and has lost thousands of dollars. She recently called, begging me to get her out of a financial jam she has gotten herself into. I refused because the amount she needs would cost me almost all of my savings.
Now my other children have stopped speaking to me. They say I should give her the money. What are your thoughts on this? -- PRUDENT MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR PRUDENT MOM: My thoughts are the same as yours. If your other children are determined that their sister should be bailed out, then they should pool their money and give it to her. But for you to give her your life savings with no guarantee that it will be repaid would be a bad financial decision on your part. I hope you won't allow yourself to be blackmailed into what could literally be sacrificing your future.