DEAR READERS: Largely because of you, writing this column is a labor of love for me, and I would like to wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day! -- ABBY
Wife's Devotion to Husband Stops at the Church Door
DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my husband, "Scott," started attending church. He had never gone in the few years we dated.
We discussed our feelings about religion before we became engaged. He comes from a family that attended church every Sunday and believes in God. I was raised the exact opposite; I'm an atheist. I told Scott that if we had children, I would be OK with him taking them to church, but I would not join them. It bothered him a little, but we talked it over and moved on.
After a difficult year that led to some mild depression (for which Scott sought help), he started going to church. I was happy for him because it seemed to help him.
After a few weeks he asked me to go with him. I went several times, but felt uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud sitting in the pew. Scott says he "wants my support" and that means attending with him. I suspect he's embarrassed to be there without his wife.
I do not enjoy it. I have been offended by some of the messages that were imparted, and I would prefer having a couple of hours to myself on Sundays.
Abby, what should I do? Is there any middle ground here? -- FEELING COERCED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR FEELING COERCED: Tell Scott that you are happy he has found comfort in going to church, but that you are not comfortable with what is being preached and find some of it offensive. Remind him that church attendance was not part of your agreement when you married him and that you value your solitary time at home the same way he appreciates the service.
While you might relent and go with him on major holidays -- some non-believing spouses do that -- there really isn't a middle ground, and because you feel so strongly about it, you should stand yours.
Mom Feels Strain Of Solo Parenting While Husband Is On The Road
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two girls. One of them has a lot of emotional problems. My husband is gone for months at a time due to his job. I have told him many times that I want him to find another job that would have him home more often. He always says that there are no jobs that will pay what he's making now.
I know that we need a good-paying job, but I need my husband home and my girls need their father. With all of our daughter's issues, everything falls on my shoulders and I don't feel I can handle it alone much longer. We don't live near family, and I have found it hard to make friends due to my daughter's acting out. How do I get my husband to understand? -- MARRIED SINGLE MOM
DEAR MOM: I understand how stressful it must be to have all the responsibility for raising your daughters on your shoulders. And feeling as isolated as you do only intensifies your feelings. If your husband doesn't already understand what you are going through, I doubt there is much you can say that will convince him to quit his lucrative job and help with the children.
Because he is gone so much -- and making good money -- consider moving yourself and your daughters closer to your family so you can have some respite when you need it. And in the meantime, find a therapist for yourself. Perhaps your daughter's doctor or your personal physician can recommend one.
Woman Stays Quiet About Breast Exam to Ease Her Family's Woes
DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year, my sister "Kathy" was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation, and will begin reconstructive surgery soon.
Because of her diagnosis she encouraged me to visit my doctor for an exam. When I did, they found a lump, which needs further testing. I have chosen not to share this with my family because my sisters and parents have been deeply affected by Kathy's diagnosis, and I don't want to cause them needless worry.
My husband is angry and he said that because Kathy is their favorite they wouldn't be concerned anyway. I thought it was insensitive and cruel to me, but more to the point, I felt he wasn't thinking about how upset my doing so might make my family. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- NEEDS FURTHER TESTING
DEAR NEEDS FURTHER TESTING: Certainly not. Your husband's comment illustrates the importance of keeping one's mouth firmly shut if one can't think of something helpful or supportive to say. It almost appears that he is angry at you for the questionable test result.
I can't blame you for not wanting to upset your already stressed family at this point, but if more testing confirms that you, too, have breast cancer, I think it's important that you let them know -- especially your sisters, who might want to be screened sooner than later.
I hope your husband's apparent inability to support you emotionally during this difficult time is an aberration, but if it's not, you will need to find support elsewhere.
Guilt Over Crime Against Woman Leads To Thoughts Of Suicide
DEAR ABBY: About 15 years ago I committed a crime against a woman I cared about. I have felt guilt and remorse about it ever since. I can't speak to her or have any contact with her.
I would like to tell her I'm sorry for what happened. I have beaten myself up over this and thought about suicide. What do I do? Please help, Abby. -- SO SORRY IN ST. JOSEPH, MO.
DEAR SO SORRY: The first thing you must do is talk with a mental health professional about your suicidal thoughts. Once you have been stabilized, you should then understand that you may have been forbidden to contact your former friend because what you did was so traumatic that it could cause her to relive the incident, which could further victimize her. If you're looking for forgiveness, forgive yourself and move on -- but leave her out of it.
Customer Is Insulted To Be Asked About Her Accent
DEAR ABBY: Is there some sort of etiquette regarding inquiring about someone's country of origin?
While making polite conversation with a customer in my retail shop, I noticed she had an accent and asked where she was from. She became very evasive and seemed offended that I had asked. She actually refused to answer my question.
I tried to recover from the awkward situation, but I can't help but feel I insulted her somehow. Was I wrong to ask? -- FRIENDLY RETAILER IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR RETAILER: Perhaps. Some immigrants to this country feel the question you asked is a very personal one. There can be various reasons for it. The person may feel self-conscious about his or her accent, and you can't know the political situation in the person's country of origin or whether he or she has encountered bias because of where he or she came from.
Girlfriend Staying as Family's Guest Deserves More Respect
DEAR ABBY: Last August my husband and I allowed our son's 17-year-old girlfriend, "Lindsay," to move into our home from out of state because she needs to live here for a year to establish residency for school. She's a wonderful girl, mature, social and helpful.
My problem is my other sons (ages 18 and 14) are very angry that we have allowed a "stranger" to move in. My 18-year-old is a college student who lives on campus an hour away, but comes home on weekends. He and his younger brother feel I show favoritism to Lindsay and make frequent comments about the non-family member. They worry that I'm spending money on her even though they know her mom sends her money.
I'll admit it has been nice to have a girl around. My boys sleep half the day away on weekends, but she gets up and is happy to run errands with me. I still include my sons in many activities without Lindsay, as I always have, and I did not anticipate this hostility. I feel bad for her because they make little attempt to hide it. My son loves his girlfriend, and I want her to feel comfortable and welcome without alienating my other sons. Help! -- MOM OF THREE SONS
DEAR MOM: You and your husband are the parents, which means you are supposed to be running this "asylum" -- not the inmates. The decision about who should or should not be a guest in your home is not up to your jealous older and younger boys, who appear to be suffering from a form of "sibling" rivalry.
As a guest in your home, Lindsay should be treated with respect, and it's not happening. You should insist upon it, and if your wishes are not complied with, there should be consequences.
Wife Fears Trust Will Become Problem In Her Marriage
DEAR ABBY: My husband of five years has three children from previous marriages. Earlier this year he learned some disturbing information about his youngest child. He opted not to share the information with me so as not to violate her privacy. I found out about it a few weeks ago, and I am deeply hurt that I was excluded.
I feel I have never been included as a true part of the family, and this is just another example. He feels his explanation justifies his actions and that should be the end of it. I am concerned that he will keep other things from me he feels are none of my business in the future. I am not at all comfortable with this situation. Do you think I am overreacting? -- STEPMONSTER IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STEPMONSTER: Yes, I do. Your husband decided not to discuss something with you that he felt would violate his daughter's privacy. Much as you might like to, you can't push your way into being accepted. If relationships are going to happen, they must evolve naturally. So calm down and stop personalizing this. It isn't a threat to your marriage unless you make it so.
DEAR ABBY: In this day and age, with computers and the ability to backspace, cut, paste and delete so easily, why do you still use a P.S.? Seems to me that P.S. needs to be used only with handwritten letters. -- CANDICE IN PHOENIX
DEAR CANDICE: Mmmm ... not so fast. The majority of my readers communicate with me via the Internet, as you did. They use P.S. to indicate that what they are saying is an afterthought and so do I in some of my responses.