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Wife Is in a Pickle Packing Lunches for Choosy Husband
DEAR ABBY: My husband works, but I do not. I stay very busy, but he expects me to pack him a lunch every day. It must include a breakfast item and a lunch item, as he is starving by the time he arrives at work, even if he ate at home.
My problem is, he has a huge list of "do not pack" preferences because he's so picky. It changes randomly. His list includes "Don't pack so many carbs; I want protein. No sandwiches. No spaghetti leftovers using twisted noodles -- only regular noodles. Don't use too many peppers; use more bell peppers and tomatoes." The list goes on and on.
I have told him he needs to eat what I give him since he expects a completely different lunch than our son, but he constantly complains about the lunches. However, if I don't pack his lunch, he refuses to pack one and then overspends on takeout. One man shouldn't spend $20 at Taco Bell in a single meal. I'm getting frustrated and don't know how to get this list to stop expanding. -- FRUSTRATED LUNCH PACKER
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I know you're hoping I'll say that the solution is for him to pack his own darn lunches. But since he works and you are a stay-at-home mother, I'm reluctant to advise that.
Try this: Because your husband's list of preferences is not static and changes often, have him accompany you when you do the marketing on weekends so he can select what fruits and vegetables he would like to eat during the week.
When you get home, pack them in plastic containers labeled Monday, Tuesday, etc., so that when he's on his way to work he can grab one before he's out the door. Along with it include some lean protein. That way he'll have what he wants, and you'll have the peace of mind of knowing it's far healthier -- and less expensive -- than fast food.
Shower Guest Has Better Things To Do With Her Time
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my 40s, married with two children. I am always getting invited to someone's bridal or baby shower. I loathe these events. I think they're a total waste of time. There are always stupid games guests have to participate in, and the nonsensical chatter is more than I can take. On top of that, the take-home gifts and door prizes are almost always tacky and cheap.
Am I alone in feeling this way? Do other women hate them, too? Most of the time, if I can, I decline the invitation (and send a gift if it's family). I just want off the invitation lists. Help! -- GROUCH IN NEW YORK
DEAR GROUCH: Some people enjoy these parties because they are acquainted with many of the other guests, and it gives them a chance to catch up. Others attend out of a sense of obligation or to support the honoree on a happy occasion. While you can't stop the invitations from being issued, if you continue to be unavailable, I predict that eventually you will receive fewer of them.
FATHER AND SON STAY IN TOUCH WITH CELLPHONE TRACKING APP
DEAR ABBY: I have a 17-year-old son. He spends half his time with me and the other half with his mom. My question is about his cellphone.
I can use an app on my phone to see the location of his phone. A friend of mine tells me I shouldn't stalk him or spy on him this way. She says it shows I don't trust or respect him. My son knows I can -- and do -- check on him using the GPS function in the phone, and he can do the same to locate me.
Checking on him from time to time gives me some comfort. I can't see who he's with or what he's doing, but I can see if he's where I expect him to be.
What do you think? Am I harming him by checking on him? Or am I "stalking" him, as my friend says? -- DAD WHO CARES IN OHIO
DEAR DAD: You and your friend appear to have different parenting styles. As long as your son is aware that you occasionally check his whereabouts, I don't consider what you're doing to be either harmful or stalking. As a parent, you have a right to know where your minor child is, and the GPS feature you describe has been known to save lives in the event of an emergency.
Domineering Father Rules Household Through Anger And Abuse
DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore in high school. I know this sounds awful, but I hate my father. If anyone disagrees with anything he says, that person is always wrong and he is right. (This includes scientific facts.) He is also a bigot who says horribly racist, sexist and homophobic things.
He has made me feel awful about the choices I have made in athletics and academics, and he gets angry at the drop of a hat for little things, like if I haven't organized the shoes in my closet. He yells and guilt trips my little sister until she cries.
I don't think I can take three more years of this. I'm uncomfortable anytime I'm around him. I can't talk to him because it's his way or the highway, and Mom doesn't want to make him angry, so she says nothing. What do I do? -- DISTRESSED DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father appears to be a man with a lot of problems, but you can't fix them. Because your mother is afraid to speak up, he probably won't change. She may stay with him because she's afraid she can't support herself and you girls on her own. Learn from her example, and resolve to be economically independent before you marry anyone.
Recognize that your father is the product of the way he was raised. It's likely he learned to be a bigot and verbal abuser from his own parents. Make up your mind that you will never be that way.
Because you are uncomfortable around your father, spend less time around him if you can. Try to be supportive of your sister, because she needs it and will as long as she lives in that house. And remember, three more years may seem like forever now, but in the scheme of things, it isn't. Once you are no longer a minor and have a job, you can arrange to get out of there.
Mom Recruits Family to Make Holiday Happy for a Co-Worker
DEAR ABBY: I work with a wonderful, good-hearted young woman who holds a low-paying job. She's raising three children alone, and I know she struggles to provide the necessities. I have learned that the holidays at their home are pretty meager.
My husband and I have been discussing the many frivolous indulgences at our family Christmas and would like to suggest to our grown children that this year we pool our resources and send the money anonymously to this family a week or so before Christmas. Would it be rude to ask our kids for the money in advance? Unfortunately, there may be a couple who would prefer to receive gifts. How should we handle this? -- TENNESSEE READER
DEAR READER: Your impulse is generous. Start now by telling your grown children, "You know, I've been thinking ..." then discuss what you're considering and the reasons for it. Make participation in the project voluntary so that those who wish to can contribute the money they would have spent on gifts for you to the fund. Write (small) checks to those who would rather receive gifts than donate to your co-worker. You can't "force" others to be generous, and frankly, you shouldn't try.
Guest Is Aghast At Request To Play The Maid At Friend's Home
DEAR ABBY: When visiting friends I usually prefer to stay in a hotel, but my friend insisted I stay at her place so we could have more time to visit and make the most of our weekend together. On my last day, I woke up to find a note on my bedroom door instructing me how to clean the bedroom and bathroom in a specific manner before my departure.
I was mortified, not only by the request but by the way the note was written, requesting that I wipe down the shower walls and tub, and bag my trash. I complied with her request, but I wasn't happy. I left the bathroom in a cleaner condition than it was when I arrived.
When I got home I sent my hostess a thank-you note for her hospitality. I haven't spoken to her since.
Over the years, I have entertained many guests in my home. I have always provided them with meals, drinks, towels and a clean room. I have never left a note for anyone to clean. Is there a new etiquette policy for guests that I don't know about? -- STILL UPSET IN SEATTLE
DEAR STILL UPSET: I have never heard of any rule of etiquette that says this was OK. However, the night before you were scheduled to leave, you should have asked your hostess how she would like the room left.
I have "houseguested" in homes in which I was asked to strip the bed and leave my used towels in the laundry room when my visit was over. And as a polite guest, I happily complied. However, I have never been told to scrub a bathroom or been issued instructions on how to do it. If you choose to speak to this woman again, you have nothing to lose by telling her how you felt after reading her note -- and I think you should.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)