DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I would like to add my prayer of thanks to those men and women of our armed services who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace.
Dad's Dying Wish for Burial Becomes a Financial Burden
DEAR ABBY: How important are a dying person's last wishes? My dad died recently and said that he wanted to be buried with his first wife in a state far from where we live. If his estate -- or his current wife -- can't afford to comply with his request, would it be horrible to do something else?
In today's economy most seniors don't have any extra income. To follow Dad's final wishes would take a sizable chunk of his estate. His wife feels it's not important to follow his last wishes because of the cost, but it really bothers me.
Dad was in the Navy during WWII. If his wife isn't willing to spend the money, would I still be a good guy by scattering his ashes in the ocean? I know he'd rather be in the deep than sitting on a shelf in the work shed. Please help. -- DISTURBED SON IN NEVADA
DEAR DISTURBED SON: Your letter illustrates why it is important for people to have their wishes in writing. In this case, your father's wife would have the right to his ashes, unless it was stated otherwise in black and white.
As far as granting a personal last wish, you need to use your best judgment, particularly if doing so would cause financial hardship. In this case, cremation would be a creative way to make everyone happy. Your father's ashes could be divided into thirds, with one portion placed with his first wife, another with his second wife, and the rest scattered at sea.
DEAR ABBY: My spouse, "Jack," and I were married four years ago. Three years ago he made me choose between him and my then 7-year-old son. I haven't spoken to or seen my son for three years. Not having my child in my life has made me become depressed, but I keep it bottled up inside.
Jack has three children -- all adults. We rarely see them. I brought two children into our marriage, ages 7 and 14. Jack says he doesn't want to be a father or grandfather. (We have three grandchildren.) I am scared to question why it is like this.
Am I a terrible mother/grandmother? Does this mean he doesn't really love me since my children are a part of me? I want to be a grandmother and enjoy my grandchildren. He knew I had kids when we were dating, but both of them lived with relatives at the time because of custody issues. -- SAD GRANDMA IN ARIZONA
DEAR SAD GRANDMA: It isn't that Jack doesn't love you. He appears to be so preoccupied with his own needs, desires and controlling you that he probably doesn't think about much else. That you are "scared" to question him speaks volumes about your relationship.
If you want to be a part of your children's and grandchildren's lives, you will have to do so without his blessing or participation. You will also have to strengthen your backbone and emancipate yourself.
DEAR ABBY: One of my neighbors regularly uses power equipment before 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings. I think people should refrain from using loud machinery before 10 a.m. on weekends. Am I being unreasonable? -- DEB IN TACOMA
DEAR DEB: Not in my book. Most municipalities have noise ordinances in place that regulate sound levels that might become an annoyance. To find out if there is one in your neighborhood, inquire at City Hall. If there isn't, consider gathering signatures on a petition so regulations can be established. You may not be the only neighbor who is bothered by the disruption.
Act of Supermarket Kindness Touches Cashier and Customers
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print letters about acts of kindness, and I'd like to relate one I witnessed:
I was working as a cashier in a grocery store. An elderly woman came through my line with about 10 items in her basket, including some strawberries and shortcakes. Making small talk, I commented on how nice the berries looked. She agreed, and informed me that they were a little treat for herself. She said she didn't have much on her late husband's pension.
When I told her the total, her face fell and she asked me to take the strawberries and shortcakes off because she couldn't afford them. I was sad and embarrassed for her. I thought about buying them myself, but had no cash on me and wasn't sure if it might violate a store policy. She paid for the remainder of her items and went outside to rest on a bench before walking home.
I began scanning the next customer's items while trying to put out of my mind the sadness I felt at the lady's disappointment. My customer asked me why the lady hadn't taken her strawberries. I explained and continued totaling the woman's sale.
The woman then told me to include the strawberries -- not for herself, but for the lady outside. She wanted no praise or thanks and asked me to give them to the lady.
I took them to the lady on the bench and explained that the woman in line behind her had purchased them for her. She looked down at the strawberries, tucked them into her bag and began to cry, murmuring about the kindness of strangers. I went back inside and had to explain to the next 15 minutes' worth of customers in my line why I was crying.
The woman who bought the strawberries never saw how grateful the lady was, nor how touched I was, or my co-workers and other customers were -- not only by her kindness, but her humility in making her gift anonymous. She affected so many people that day, I hope those reading this letter will affect and influence many more. -- INDIANA READER
DEAR INDIANA READER: Thank you for a sweet and uplifting letter. I'm sure it will stimulate others to consider how they, too, can help those who are less fortunate than themselves.
DEAR ABBY: Because many women have stopped wearing pantyhose or stockings when they go out on a dinner date or formal function, would it be a fair turnaround for me to put on a three-piece suit and tie and not wear any socks? I'd appreciate your thoughts, please. -- SOCKLESS IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SOCKLESS: Women who forgo pantyhose or stockings in hot weather usually do it because they're wearing strappy sandals or open-toed summer footwear. Hosiery doesn't look right with them. I have seen men -- at least on the West Coast -- wear T-shirts under their sport coats and go barefoot in their loafers. But I have never seen a man don a three-piece suit and tie and go sockless. (And I never hope to.) I don't recommend it.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in two months, but my question isn't about weddings. My question is, how can a woman ensure a lasting marriage? -- ABOUT TO BECOME A MRS.
DEAR ABOUT TO BECOME A MRS.: At a women's networking event years ago, my mother was asked that question. She replied, "One good rule is never go to bed angry." (I agree.)
Phyllis Diller was there and topped her. "Right!" she said. "Stay up and fight until you're exhausted. You'll sleep better!"
Single Women Wonder Where All the Single Men Are Hiding
DEAR ABBY: My friends and I are women in our late 40s and early 50s. Some of us are married, some are single. Individually or as a group we have taken classes, volunteered, gone on cruises, gone to clubs and bars -- you name it.
We have noticed that nearly everyone at these activities is either female or with a female as part of a couple. There are loads of single middle-aged women out there joining things and having fun, but there seem to be almost no single middle-aged men. Friends in various parts of the country report the same thing.
Where do the single men go? They rarely go out alone or with a male buddy. Our running joke is they're all home watching bad cable TV. Middle-aged guys must be there somewhere, but where? You'd think that if they wanted to meet women, they'd go where women are, but we rarely see them. Can you solve this mystery for us? -- WHERE THE BOYS AREN'T, NORTHERN WYOMING
DEAR WHERE THE BOYS AREN'T: Part of your problem may be that most of the males in your age group are already married. I don't recommend looking for eligible men in clubs and bars because the ones who go there are usually looking for younger women.
I do suggest volunteering because it offers an opportunity to expand one's circle of acquaintances, and even if you don't meet a man there, you might meet a woman who knows someone who is eligible. I caution women who are looking for companionship not to "hunt in packs" because some men find the idea of approaching a group of women to be daunting.
The pool you're fishing in appears to be small. Have you considered looking online for men in other communities in your state? You will increase your odds of success by putting yourselves "out there" because most relationships begin as the result of luck and timing.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years. We're talking about marriage, but there is a problem. He has his ex's name tattooed on his backside and it's starting to bother me. I offered to pay to have it removed, but he doesn't want it off. Do I stay with him and try to get over it, or break up with him and find someone else? Help me! -- REALLY CONFUSED GIRL IN COLORADO
DEAR REALLY CONFUSED: Removing a tattoo can be expensive, time-consuming and painful. If the only deal-breaker in your relationship is the tattoo, consider asking him to turn the other cheek and have your name placed opposite his ex's so you will have equal billing. A large "X" could be inked over the ex's name if it would make you feel better.
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a debate between my fiance and me. He contends that when we're in a restaurant, it is impolite to say to your server, "I will have ..." and insists that the request should be, "May I have ... ?"
I was raised to believe that either statement would be acceptable. What say you? -- QUERY-CONSCIOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR Q.C.: If the server asks you, "What'll you have?" it's perfectly acceptable to respond, "I'll have ..." However, "May I have ..." sounds more refined.
If this is the only complaint your fiance can come up with, he's a lucky man and should count his blessings.