TO MY JEWISH READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we start this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year.
MOM AND DAUGHTER DISAGREE ON WHO SHOULD PAY FOR A DATE
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I had a debate about who should pay for dates. She thinks the man should pay, especially if sex is involved because "you don't want to give it away for free."
I disagree. I say the man should pay for the first, and maybe the second date. After that, they can agree to alternate.
I have been seeing a wonderful guy for about six months. I'm pretty sure I make more money than he does, but even if I didn't, I don't feel the need to be supported. I don't agree the guy should always have to pay. Times have changed since my mother dated. What's the general consensus on the subject these days? -- INDEPENDENT WOMAN IN MARYLAND
DEAR INDEPENDENT: The consensus is that you're right. Times have changed since your mother dated, and furthermore, paying for a date does not give the payer any guarantee of sexual favors. While in some regions, cultures and age groups there may be the expectation that the man pays, in today's world many women expect to pay their fair share after the first couple of dates.
In other words, it's common to split a check or share the cost of an evening's dinner and entertainment. The idea that a woman should put out for the price of a burger is, thankfully, passe. And that's for the best, don't you agree?
DEAR ABBY: I have known "Arthur" for more than 20 years. Since Day One, he has wanted more than friendship, but I made it clear that I never wanted more than a platonic relationship. I care about him, but have never had romantic feelings for him.
We spend a lot of time together between relationships with other people. (I was married for eight years out of our 20-year friendship.) Arthur comes over -- we hang out, sometimes share a meal or watch a movie, etc. Then we go to sleep in my bed. He sleeps in my bed, where there's no hanky-panky. I'm content with things as they are. He makes me laugh and I feel good about myself.
However, lately I sense he's becoming too attached. I worry that I might be leading him on even though I've made it clear that I don't want anything romantic or sexual. After 20 years, there are no gray areas left to analyze my intentions.
My friends think what I'm doing is wrong, that I might be keeping Arthur from moving forward in his life. Keep in mind that I encourage him to go out with friends and to date. Am I doing anything wrong that may be hurting him in an indirect way? -- PLATONICALLY CONNECTED IN TEXAS
DEAR PLATONICALLY CONNECTED: You are happy the way things are. Arthur appears to have accepted the relationship on your terms. While he may secretly hope that one morning you will roll over, open your eyes and realize that he's Prince Charming, you have been honest with him from the beginning. I see no reason to end a relationship that is rewarding to both of you because your friends are meddling. Your friends should mind their own business.
DEAR ABBY: I have a lot of health problems and need my rest. We have even disconnected the doorbell. So why do people ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the front door and knock anyway? -- DISTURBED IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR DISTURBED: Not knowing who's doing the knocking, I'm guessing they're people who are desperate to sell you something. Certainly no friend would behave that way.
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Readers Reject Aunt's Demand That Bashful Niece Talk to Her
DEAR ABBY: I think your response to "Outgoing Aunt in Texas" (July 16) about the shy 12-year-old girl was misguided. The aunt felt "Tammy's" parents should "make" her come to the phone and speak to her. You felt the child's behavior was rude and said perhaps her mother was covering for her.
Being shy or overly sensitive is an inborn personality trait that can be very disturbing. Forcing a shy person to do something uncomfortable may make the problem worse. Talking on the phone is one of the hardest things for a shy person because he or she can't read the other person's face or body language.
Many l2-year-olds feel awkward in social situations, particularly if they are shy. A loving family member should try to be sensitive to this and not force the child to do something he or she is not comfortable doing. It's possible that Tammy may have a hard time talking to this aunt if she asks Tammy embarrassing questions or makes comments that are hurtful. If that's the case, then Tammy's mom is doing the right thing by trying to protect her. -- SHY M.D. IN TENNESSEE
DEAR SHY M.D.: Thank you for offering another perspective. Readers who shared their experiences helped me to view this with a fresh perspective. My newspaper readers comment:
DEAR ABBY: Twelve-year-old daughters have a terrible fear of criticism, a fear of failure and a fear of being made fun of by adults and peers. "Outgoing Aunt" sounds heavy-handed to me. I have to wonder what she might have said in the past (or how she said it) that has made Tammy so reluctant to even be in the same room with her. Tammy's mom is right to "cover for her." -- I WAS THE SAME 12-YEAR-OLD
DEAR ABBY: It bothered me that "Outgoing Aunt" was so determined and aggressive about speaking to Tammy. Has this aunt been unkind to her in the past? I think the aunt should back off and stop demanding to speak to the child through doors and on the phone. Perhaps the girl isn't shy or rude -- just a great judge of character. -- USED TO BE A SHY NIECE
DEAR ABBY: You're correct in saying Tammy's behavior may be anxiety-based. There is a childhood anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism in which an expectation to speak can cause a child extreme panic. It results in temporary physical paralysis of the vocal cords, and can render a child unable to cry or communicate distress when severely injured.
These children can speak just fine in some situations but not in all others, which can be misunderstood as willful behavior. One of the most common situations in which a child cannot speak is with a close friend or relative.
I had SM as a child and I helped my son find successful treatment for it. Without treatment, Tammy is at a heightened risk for depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, substance abuse and more. I now speak about this disorder to spread awareness and help others locate resources to seek treatment. -- ANN SANDER IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with two wonderful women. I know I have to let one go, but I don't want to break either one's heart. Instead of "dumping" one of them, can I explain the situation to them and ask that one of them dump me? I realize I could lose them both, but I'm willing to take the chance. Please help. -- DOUBLE TROUBLE IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.
DEAR DOUBLE TROUBLE: I'll try, by courteously advising you to stiffen your spine and make a decision. If you announce to these two wonderful women that you can't choose between them, the odds are likely that they will both dump you.
WOMAN AWAITING HER DIVORCE FEARS SUITORS WON'T MATERIALIZE
DEAR ABBY: I'm going through a divorce and have decided not to begin dating until it's final. I'm doing this because I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who is still married. I told myself I would politely explain this to any gentleman who asks me out, but no one has -- and I'm a little bothered by it. No one approaches me at all. I don't wear my ring and I consider myself to be a very attractive person.
I have had several boyfriends throughout my life, and looking back at them and my marriage, I realize that I was the first to show an interest and ask them out. I'd like it if a guy approached me and made the first move. I'm worried that when I'm ready to date it won't happen. I understand that approaching a stranger is a little unnerving, but I'm beginning to take it personally.
Please don't suggest going to activities outside the home to meet people. I work and go to school full-time, so that's not an option anytime soon. -- LOOKING FOR A DATE --IN THE FUTURE
DEAR LOOKING (BUT NOT LOOKING): If you're asking me how to get a man to ask you out so you can tell him, "No, I'm not ready," I'm sorry but I can't help you. I don't know the circumstances of your divorce, but if they were hurtful, it is not uncommon for the injured party to "become invisible" until he or she heals enough to once again send out "available and interested" vibes. You say you're not quite there yet, which may be why you're not attracting any interest.
While your schedule is so full -- unless you meet someone at school or through your job -- your love life may have to stay on hold until you can squeeze it in.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who routinely makes offhand, sarcastic remarks to me. He recently told me my story wasn't worth listening to, which makes me wonder if he's insecure or just doesn't care for my company. I feel devalued and I'm beginning to be weary of his "zingers." Sometimes I'd rather not be in his company, but my wife and I have no problem with his wife. Any suggestions? -- SICK OF THE ZINGERS IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR SICK OF THE ZINGERS: This "friend" may think he's being clever, or he may be utterly tactless. If you'd rather not be around him, follow your instincts and avoid him. His wife and yours can continue their friendship, and if the woman asks why there are no more foursomes, she should be told the truth. Once they see their social circle is shrinking, he may change his ways. And if he doesn't, you will no longer have to tolerate his rudeness.
DEAR ABBY: I was dating this guy for 5 1/2 years. It was a struggle because of all the problems I suffered through in my previous relationships. He assured me that he wasn't like the rest. I believed that we were getting back on track, slowly.
A few days ago, I received a letter in the mail from a woman telling me they had gotten married. Enclosed was a wedding picture of the two of them. The date of the wedding was on the back of the picture. I was shocked to see that the wedding had taken place while we were together. What should I do? -- HURTING HEART IN OHIO
DEAR HURTING HEART: Send her a thank-you letter, tell her you won't be seeing her husband again in this life and write him off. And one more thing: Be grateful she clued you in, because if she hadn't, you could still be wasting time with this two-timing liar.
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