DEAR ABBY: I am 67 and my roommate is 62. He and I could be out dating every night of the week. We get calls here like it is a fraternity house. I think it's because we know how to treat women.
I hear other men our age complain they can't get a date or find the "right" woman. They say they are lonely, always being "used," etc. I tell them: Get a life! Think of someone besides yourself.
My buddy and I think in terms of what would please the lady. Other guys think a romantic date is grabbing a bite at a fast-food restaurant, renting a violent movie, or flopping at the woman's house and falling asleep after she's made him a home-cooked meal. I say: Learn to dance, get some new clothes, ask a woman what her interests are. I did it, and I've learned to enjoy art shows, plays, visiting flea markets, etc.
A lady once told me, "You don't need a woman. You are a great cook, and you iron better than I do." My answer to her was, "Those are not the things I need a lady for."
So, Abby, my advice to lonely old men is this: Get your act together! As Auntie Mame said, "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death." -- HAVING A PEACH OF A TIME IN GEORGIA
DEAR HAVING A PEACH: Thank you for your enlightened philosophy. My crystal ball tells me that neither you nor your buddy will ever be starving for food at the banquet of life -- or attention and affection, either.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your future in-laws tell other relatives that they intend to ruin your upcoming wedding? They are upset because they were not included in the wedding party. My future mother-in-law let it be known she's dressing up like a hooker!
I have family members who are police officers coming to the wedding. The only idea I can come up with to prevent it is to ask them to guard the door of the church, and if need be, escort these unruly people out before they can raise a ruckus.
As you might have gathered, my fiance's parents don't want me to marry their son. -- ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN
DEAR ON THE VERGE: Take a deep breath and talk to your fiance about eloping. Once your in-laws accept the fact that the knot has already been tied, you can host a lovely reception. When the time comes, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they'll behave themselves. Use the police only as a last resort, but if it comes to that, cross your fingers and hope your mother-in-law solicits one of them.
DEAR ABBY: At a cocktail party last night, the hostess handed me a glass of wine. When I started to take a sip, I noticed the glass was filthy. My immediate reaction was, "Alcohol kills germs." But the thought of putting the glass to my mouth was distasteful, so I told her the wine was "too sweet for my taste." She then handed me another glass of wine, and that one was as dirty as the first! How should I have handled it? -- NOT CRYSTAL CLEAR IN WISCONSIN
DEAR NOT CRYSTAL CLEAR: The first time it happened, you should have said, "Oops! This glass didn't make it through the dishwasher" and returned it to your hostess. When it happened again, you should have said, "... this one, too." Then you should have asked for something you could drink from the original container. Sensible person that you are, I'm sure you didn't partake of the hors d'oeuvres, and won't be partying there again. Right?