DEAR ABBY: My son "Rob" and his fiancee invited me to join them at a dinner his father and stepmother, "Jane," are hosting. Rob's grandmother, brother and sister-in-law will be there, as well as Jane's two sons. I love them all and thought they loved me.
Apparently, Jane doesn't want me to attend! No reason was given. I was shocked. Jane and my ex were always welcomed in my home and life. I wished them well when they married after dating for 20 years. Jane's children have spent the night in my home. I took care of them for several days after a hurricane. I even flew her youngest son to join Rob and me at a theme park. Now when I look back, I realize Jane never reciprocated.
Rob and I are heartbroken. He wants nothing to do with Jane and doesn't want her at his wedding. He's furious with his dad for letting Jane make the rules. Rob doesn't want to attend their dinner. Abby, I am sick that I have apparently caused a rift in the family. Please tell me how to deal with this. -- STUPEFIED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STUPEFIED: Take the high road and encourage Rob to attend the dinner. This is Jane's party, and as the hostess it was her privilege to invite you -- or not. Rob should not have assumed that he could dictate her guest list.
While you have done everything you can to be a friend to Jane and have one large, happy extended family, she may feel competitive toward you. Or she may regard you as a chapter in her husband's life that she would prefer to be closed. Regard it as a reflection on her and her own insecurities. Be smart, take your cue from this and step back.
As to Jane attending Rob's wedding -- if he wants his dad there, he may have to accept her presence. But that decision is Rob's to make. Do not allow yourself to be dragged into it.