DEAR READERS: From the bottom of my heart, I wish all of you a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011. And please, if you will be driving tonight, don't drink; and if you're drinking tonight, don't drive. Stay safe, everyone! -- Love, ABBY
Teen's Grieving Sister Claims School Failed to Stop Bullying
DEAR ABBY: I just lost my 15-year-old sister to bullying and the school here is not doing anything about it. There have been a number of suicides due to this behavior. I want schools to realize they need to take action before someone else gets hurt.
Bullying isn't a harmless prank and it should be taken seriously. I have heard of a bullying law in some schools, but it needs to be in all schools. I should not have to bury my sister at such a young age.
Abby, can you please get a message out to schools and their students about bullying? Thank you. -- GRIEF-STRICKEN SISTER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN SISTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy not only for the untimely loss of your sister, but also the tragic circumstances surrounding her death. Although bullying is something that has gone on for generations, in recent years school boards have only begun to realize what a serious and pervasive problem it truly is and have instituted zero tolerance policies.
In many schools where student suicides have occurred, the administration has provided grief counseling and programs to sensitize students and faculty in order to prevent it from happening. If that isn't being done in your community, the parents should be very worried.
DEAR ABBY: What do you say to a person who never stops talking? A friend does it, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. It has reached the point where I avoid her because her nonstop babbling irritates me. I have made clear to her I don't use my phone much and prefer e-mail, but it hasn't stopped her from calling anyway -- sometimes late at night. I let the machine pick up, but my sleep is still interrupted and, once again, I am irritated.
Abby, this woman has a heart of gold. She is generous and sweet, but her incessant chatter diminishes any good feelings I have for her. Even when we're eating in a restaurant, she never stops to come up for air. How can I politely let her know her never-ending blather is getting on my nerves? -- CAN'T GET A WORD IN, IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CAN'T GET A WORD IN: Your friend is a compulsive talker. She may do it out of insecurity, or because the sound of silence makes her uncomfortable. She may do it because she thinks she's entertaining. But hogging the conversation is rude. And calling someone in the late evening, after being told that the person does not want calls after a certain hour, is also rude. Much as you might like to, I doubt anything you say politely will change her. So accept her, warts and all, or move on.
DEAR ABBY: When a man meets a woman wearing a low-cut dress or blouse, is it rude to momentarily glance down (not stare) at her cleavage? Most men find this a natural, unavoidable impulse. -- DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY
DEAR DOIN': It may be a "natural, unavoidable impulse," but gentlemen have learned to control their impulses. And that's what I recommend you do -- unless you want to offend the woman you're with or the woman you're meeting. I'm surprised you haven't heard the phrase, "My eyes are up here."
BRUSQUE BEHAVIOR PROVOKES ROAD RAGE IN CUBICLE AISLES
DEAR ABBY: There is a situation at work that has smoke coming out of my ears. I'm past the age of retirement, but need to continue working. I'm with a great company and enjoy what I do.
The fly in the ointment is one of our salespeople. He's a big, strapping guy who comes barreling down the narrow aisles between cubicles. On more than one occasion I have had to execute a quick side step in order not to be run over. After the most recent near miss, I told him in no uncertain terms that if it ever happened again, I'd let him plow into me and take the consequences.
My question is, if I don't get out of his way and do get knocked down, what recourse do I have? Good manners would dictate that the younger man allow me to pass first, but are there any legal ramifications? I would love to smack him (like Bette Davis would in an old movie), but with my luck, I'd be charged with assault. What say you, Abby? -- ON A COLLISION COURSE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR ON A COLLISION COURSE: Good manners would, indeed, dictate that the younger man allow you to pass first, if the younger man has been taught basic manners by his parents. Apparently, this salesman's parents didn't do that. So rather than smacking the ignoramus, you should address your concerns to your supervisor, so he or she can tell him to slow down and watch where he's going. If you were injured on company property, the liability would be the company's, and the physical ramifications for you could be serious.
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago I had one of the greatest days of my life when I married my fiancee, "Joy." The ceremony was interrupted when my brother-in-law's cell phone rang. I was so annoyed I turned around and asked him if he'd like us to wait while he took the call.
The backlash at the reception later was all directed at me! Joy and my side of the family laughed about it. But Joy's family was angry and said I should have ignored it. What are your thoughts or advice? Should I apologize even if I'm not sorry? -- ON HOLD IN CHANDLER, ARIZ.
DEAR ON HOLD: Your brother-in-law owes both you and Joy the apology. He should have turned his cell phone off before the ceremony. If he's in a field where he's on call 24/7, then the phone should have been set to vibrate rather than ring.
P.S. Please tell me he didn't actually answer it. Readers, has this happened to you?
DEAR ABBY: We live in a retirement community that includes some single men. On a couple of occasions, one of the gentlemen has come into the clubhouse with his zipper down. If there are no other men in the area, what would be the appropriate way to handle something like this? I know it would be embarrassing if the problem was addressed in a public manner. What's your suggestion? -- BLUSHING IN ARIZONA
DEAR BLUSHING: Take the person aside and tell him quietly that his fly is open. (It's not unlike telling someone of either sex that he or she has a bit of salad stuck between his or her front teeth.) This way the problem can be remedied quickly and efficiently, with the least embarrassment to either party.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MAN ON THE ROAD SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME IN THE FAST LANE
DEAR ABBY: My husband travels a lot -- three to four days a week. Sometimes when he's intoxicated and we're having sex, he acts like he doesn't know who I am.
I asked him once, "Are you married?" He said, "No ..." Another time I asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and he said, "No, but you're fine ..." The next day he has no idea he said any of this. Should I be worried? -- WRONG ANSWER IN CHICAGO
DEAR WRONG ANSWER: Absolutely. You should be worried not only about the fact that your husband is probably having extracurricular sex, but also that he has a drinking problem so severe he doesn't always know who he's sleeping with. You should be worried that after a night of drinking he can't remember clearly the next day what he has said (or has possibly done).
If he won't admit he has a problem and seek help, you should contact Al-Anon (it's in your phone book, or find it online at www.al-anon.org). And you should schedule an appointment with your physician to be tested for STDs, because I'm worried he may have given you one -- or more.
DEAR ABBY: I moved from New Jersey to Florida 20 years ago, married my wife and started a family. My parents relocated here a few years later. When I asked if they would be living nearby, I was told, "No way! We raised our kids already." Hearing it felt hurtful.
As time has passed, they have made themselves available to a family who lives near them for baby-sitting and help running their business when the family is on vacation. We have asked my parents on several occasions if we could have some help watching our children, but they said they were too busy or it was too much to handle.
We feel we should take priority over "outsiders." But when we bring up the subject, it is met with strong opposition. We just feel like we're not good enough, and don't know how to answer our children when they ask about their grandparents. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEWILDERED: Your situation is sad, but my advice is to accept that you won't be getting any help from -- or becoming any closer to -- your parents. They may have refused your requests for help because they don't care for your spouse, or your children really are too much for them to handle. I'm sorry.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my 84-year-old mother in an accident. I called Mom's friends, many of whom are also elderly. Several of them talked on and on about their problems, their poor health, their spouses' poor health -- and one even went on and on about her hot water tank "blowing up"!
Would you please remind people that when they get a courtesy call from a grieving family member to please listen, say, "Thank you for calling to let me know," and to offer condolences for their loss. -- BEREAVED DAUGHTER, LIVONIA, N.Y.
DEAR BEREAVED DAUGHTER: Allow me to offer my condolences for the loss of your mother. I'm pleased to print your letter because not everyone knows how to handle a phone call such as you had to make. It's possible that the folks you called were either uncomfortable with the subject, and so they tried to deflect it by discussing what was going on in their lives -- or they have heard about death so often at their age that they have become accustomed to hearing such sad news. (As for the woman who mentioned her water heater -- I hope you were kind enough to refer her to a plumber.)
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)