To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
'Other Woman' Comes to Regret Spending Life With 'Other Man'
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "The Other Woman, Anywhere, USA" (March 11). Please tell your readers if they find themselves in her shoes, they should RUN in the opposite direction.
My husband, "John," and I both left our spouses to be together. It has been 10 years, and I regret leaving my ex-husband every day. I traded a wonderful marriage for an obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant man.
John still spends Christmas Day with his ex and his adult children. He says it's out of guilt. He paid for his daughter's wedding reception with money from our joint account. John went alone. I was "forbidden" to attend.
My "soul mate" usually forgets my birthday, and one year he also "forgot" Christmas. If only I could turn back time. I find myself praying for the end of time and realize I'm probably getting what I deserve. -- LIVING WITH REGRET
DEAR LIVING: You letter is a reminder that there is dignity in being alone and filling one's "down time" with good friends and helping the less fortunate. As I expected, "Other Woman's" letter generated a ton of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "The Other Woman" was 100 percent right on. I was once in love with a married woman and won her heart. I thought, "All's fair in love and war," and had little regard for her husband. Then I met him.
When I looked into his eyes, I knew what I was doing was wrong and bad karma. Here was a human being with a soul, who loved and trusted his wife, who was true to his marriage vows and trusted her to be true, too. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't want my wife to have an affair with another man. Spiritually, it was an important and painful lesson.
My advice to married people having an affair is to ask yourselves how you would feel if you were being cheated on. Do the right thing. Honesty and integrity matter. -- FORMER OTHER MAN, ANYWERE, USA
DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman for six years. It has taken me a year to realize how unhealthy the relationship was for me. Not only did it damage my self-esteem, but the guilt became unbearable. I wish I could go back and undo what I have done. Luckily, I now have someone who cares about me and accepts me -- flaws and all -- and loves me for who I am all the time, not just one or two hours a week. -- WISER NOW IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman. Over time I have come to understand that I believed what I wanted to believe because I was lonely, needy and vulnerable. I learned as time went on that my lover was incapable of developing a mature, responsible and meaningful relationship. I experienced the calamitous consequences emotionally, psychologically and financially -- as did our child.
Through counseling, friendships and networking with other women and getting to know myself in a rigorously honest way, I became too healthy to be the other woman. I'm now in the marriage I always dreamed of to a man with character and heart, who is devoted to me and "our" child. I learned that the right man would find me when I became the person he was looking for. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. -- FINALLY FULFILLED
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter from "The Other Woman" and your reply. I have been divorced 12 years and involved with a married man for more than a year. The affair has been lonely, degrading, unfulfilling and a real self-esteem buster.
Your answer reminded me of what I have always known. Because of it, I have decided to end my affair and get back into the real world. I hope "Other Woman" wakes up and does the same. And soon. -- GRATEFUL IN ALABAMA
READERS: More tomorrow!
Guilt Haunts Victim of Rape Following Attacker's Suicide
DEAR ABBY: When I was 15, I was raped by a family friend. I did what I thought was the right thing to do and told my parents. The man was arrested, and DNA tests proved everything. Charges were pressed.
I thought everything was going to be OK, but a few days before the court proceedings were to begin, my rapist killed himself. Now his family harasses my family. They claim he was innocent and I was bent on ruining his life.
Abby, people often ask me if I am "relieved" that he committed suicide. I feel terrible about it, and I don't know how to respond to these comments. -- BLAMING MYSELF OUT WEST
DEAR BLAMING YOURSELF: When someone commits suicide, it is not unusual for the survivors to feel -- among other things -- overwhelming guilt. You did the right thing by telling your parents about the assault. Your family did the right thing in pressing charges. Obviously your rapist was very disturbed, and you are in no way responsible for his death. The police should be notified about the harassment from his family.
When someone asks if you are "relieved" that the rapist is dead, you are not obliged to answer. You can let the question hang in the air, or turn it back on the person by asking, "How would you feel?" and let him or her ramble on.
I hope you received psychological counseling after you were raped, because it should have helped you to recognize that you are not responsible for anything that has happened. However, because you are blaming yourself, it's time to schedule a few sessions with a therapist.
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and being married in the fall. I couldn't be more excited. I have started shopping for a wedding dress, and I would like to wear a pure white one on my special day. However, I am not a virgin, and I know the original significance of brides wearing white was to declare their virginity.
Is this still true today, or is it not so important anymore? I don't want to offend anyone. (I think most of the guests we will be inviting know my fiance and I live together, so they can assume that I am not a virgin.) I could always wear an ivory dress, but I would really prefer a white one. What do you think? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WONDERING: If your dream dress is white, then that's what you should wear.
According to Emily Post: "During the 20th century, white came to signify joy rather than virginity (though traditionalists may hold to the older symbolism) and is now considered appropriate for all brides, including those marrying again and those who are pregnant at the time of the wedding."
DEAR ABBY: I ride the bus to and from work every day, and I have had it "up to here" with people who conduct loud conversations on their cell phones. I have learned far more than I ever wanted to about medical problems, restraining orders, relationships that are falling apart, etc. I would love to make eye contact and give them "the look," but these folks are too absorbed in what they are saying to even glance in my direction.
What surprises me most is that the average age of a lot of them is in their 40s. I'm in my early 20s, but I know that not only is their behavior rude, but that sharing personal information with a group of strangers is potentially dangerous.
Can you suggest a way to deal with this problem without having to wear earplugs? -- MINNEAPOLIS COMMUTER
DEAR MINNEAPOLIS COMMUTER: Yes, get up and move your seat.
NEW HUSBAND CLINGS TIGHTLY TO HIS OLD BACHELOR HABITS
DEAR ABBY: "Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.
Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor. He stays in the garage and watches TV alone. We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.
I know Ralph loves me and our new family, but this is causing strain. I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him. What can I do? I feel alone in this marriage. -- ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA
DEAR ALONE AND LONELY: You ARE alone in this marriage. If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man. If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.
Before this goes any further, you and he need to have another frank talk because the status quo is not fair to you or the children. If it doesn't work, then it's time for family counseling, if only so your children won't blame themselves for your husband's shortcomings.
However, I don't expect him to change and neither should you. This is the way he was before you married him, and a leopard doesn't change his spots.
DEAR ABBY: I have an issue with my husband and can't seem to get my point across. He refuses to wear a seat belt. He says it's uncomfortable, and he hates when he pulls it too quickly and it gets caught. I have asked him repeatedly to wear it, not only because he could get a ticket, but also for his own safety.
My car has an alarm on it, so if you don't buckle up, it beeps. He goes as far as buckling the belt behind him so it will stop. I have tried everything from explaining the safety hazards to telling him he can no longer drive my car if he can't drive safely. What can I do to make him buckle up? -- FRUSTRATED IN ALABAMA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Seat belts save lives, and that's why seat belt laws were passed. Your husband is a grown man, presumably of sound mind. You can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do. You can, however, refuse to ride with him if he doesn't comply -- and that's what I'm recommending.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.
He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself. Who is right? -- NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS
DEAR NAMELESS: In most of the better dining establishments it is a matter of policy that the server introduce him- or herself when a party is seated. If that doesn't happen, then it is perfectly acceptable -- and, indeed, advisable -- for the guest to ask the server's name. Doing so ensures that if something is needed at the table, the diner does not have to say "Hey, you" to get the server's attention.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)