Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Couples Choose to Separate Church and State in Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30). I agree the couple shouldn't have misled their guests and should have let them know it wouldn't be a state-sanctioned wedding. But these days, many couples choose not to legally wed, and for others it is not a choice.
Most gay and lesbian people do not have the opportunity to have a state-sanctioned marriage, and many progressive couples choose not to legally wed because of unequal marriage laws. Other couples view marriage as oppressive and prefer not to invite the state into their relationship.
Also, some churches will no longer perform state-sanctioned marriages until marriage is available to all couples. If members of those churches decide to be legally married, they must go to the courthouse.
My advice to that stepmother: Get over it! Celebrate the fact that your stepdaughter found her lifelong companion and is happy. And be thankful your new grandchild will have loving, committed parents. -- BETHANY IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR BETHANY: Thank you for writing. When I printed "Deceived's" letter I had no idea I was catching a hot potato. The mail from readers about this has been most interesting and enlightening. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Oh, boy, did you open a can of worms with that one! Don't you know that many gay people are frustrated with the government's refusal to grant them a legal marriage? And many couples today no longer have any desire to "register" their union with the government, and have decided to forgo the legal benefits associated with it. They stand together to publicly celebrate their joy and commitment to each other. A "government-approved" marriage means far less to them than one affirmed by God, family and community. -- ALEXANDRA IN OAKLAND
DEAR ABBY: "Deceived," who complained about the marriage ceremony that was "not legal," pointed out the difficulty we have here in the United States where marriage is the only sacrament that is completely entwined with civil law. What we need is separation of church and state.
Governments should allow the CIVIL marriage of any two individuals who want to take on the rights and responsibilities of marriage. Churches should provide a RELIGIOUS marriage to those couples who satisfy their requirements for a religious marriage. That way the government would be out of the religious sacrament business and only in the business of conferring legal rights and responsibilities upon committed couples. -- BECKLEY, W.VA., LAWYER
DEAR ABBY: You should know that the minister, priest, judge (or whoever) does not "marry" the couple. They only "officiate" -- and that's it. In many places around the world people declare in front of family, friends and/or community that they take each other as man and wife -- and they are legally married. They do, at some time in the future when the official comes around, go ahead and go through the "formality," but they have already been married all that time before the official shows up.
Depending upon where this couple "pretended they got married," they may very well be married.
Keep up the good work, Abby. You're doing a heck of a good job. -- DONALD H., ST. JOSEPH, MO.
DEAR DONALD: Thank you for the kind words. Readers, I'll have more on this tomorrow. It appears "the times may be a-changin'..."
Neighbor Takes Advantage of Trusting Elderly Woman
DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lives in a rural area. Luckily, she is surrounded by wonderful neighbors who enable her to continue living in her home without assistance. They shop for her, maintain her lawn, do handyman repairs, cook for her and regularly check on her well-being.
Unfortunately, after being discharged from a recent hospital stay, Mama discovered that one of her "trusted" neighbors has been using her credit card to pay their utilities. She is heartsick. She has taken the necessary steps to cancel the credit card, but now is conflicted about the best way to handle such a sensitive issue.
Abby, is there a way for everyone to save face in this situation? -- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
DEAR L.T.N.: I hope you realize that what you have described is more than an embarrassment. It is elder abuse and fraud.
With one glaring exception, your mother's neighbors are angels. However, they have shouldered a responsibility -- seeing that your mother is cared for -- that really belongs to your family. If you cannot personally see to it that she gets the help she needs to live independently, you should contact your state's Area Agency on Aging or Department of Social Services and arrange for someone who is bonded to do it.
A social worker can help your mother report this matter to the police in a way that she will not be embarrassed and that may help her recover the funds that were stolen.
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end with my 9-year-old son, "Zane." After his wrestling practice I tell him to take a shower. He either flat-out refuses or makes excuses to prolong not taking one and then refuses. A few times I have had to personally bathe him. Zane doesn't brush his teeth regularly and barely changes his underwear. I don't know what to do to get him to take care of his personal hygiene. Please give me some advice. -- TANYA IN NORTH LIMA, OHIO
DEAR TANYA: One effective way to get a child to live by the rules is to establish them and consistently enforce them. If you are unable to get through to Zane, perhaps his wrestling coach can impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.
When Zane returns from wrestling practice, inform him that dinner will not be served until he has taken his shower. In the mornings, let him know he is expected to brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table, and check him out. This may be a stage your son is going through, but if it persists for more than six months, you may need more help than I can give you in this column and you should consult a child psychologist.
DEAR ABBY: When dining out at an establishment where you order your food at the counter and then they bring your food to the table, is a tip necessary?
Also, when going to coffee shops, tip jars frequently sit on the counter. How obligated should I feel to tip the people behind the counter? -- JAMI IN NASHUA, N.H.
DEAR JAMI: Food servers often earn minimum wage, which they supplement with the tips they receive. If your server is efficient and pleasant, you should leave a tip. The usual amount is between 10 and 20 percent.
At a coffee shop where there is a tip jar, assuming that you did not sit down to be served, you should put your spare change into the jar.
Woman Questions Belief That There's No Place Like Home
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible -- or normal -- for someone to lack the desire to travel? I am a 23-year-old female college graduate with a good job. I am involved in a serious relationship and still live with my parents because of financial constraints. I like to think my life is pretty normal.
When my friends graduated from college, they all backpacked through Europe before starting their jobs. I was content to stay home, relax and readjust to life off-campus. Now that my friends are accruing vacation time, they are planning all sorts of trips -- cruises, vacations, road trips to visit old roommates, etc. None of this appeals to me.
I am a nervous traveler and tend to feel uncomfortable when I'm outside my "comfort zone." I'm not afraid to admit that I can be uptight, and I don't "roll with the punches" very well.
Last summer my boyfriend and I spent several weekends in a beach town about two hours away. I had a great time, although I was just as happy to go home at the end. I am not depressed or aloof. Give me an afternoon at the local mall or a movie rather than a weekend in Las Vegas. Am I weird? -- HOMEBODY IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR HOMEBODY: Weird? No. However, because of your reluctance to step out of your "comfort zone," you are missing an opportunity to learn firsthand that this country -- and the world around you -- is filled with wonderful people who would be worth knowing if you could only broaden your horizons. If this didn't bother you on some level, you would not have written me. A therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders could help you do that. I wish you good luck -- and maybe even "bon voyage."
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years, "Simon," comes from a broken home. His mother left when he was quite young and as a result, his food choices are horrible. Simon is 30 now and eats only hamburgers, french fries, pizza and other fried or carb-loaded food. He includes absolutely no vegetables or lean protein in his diet.
I love my boyfriend and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I have tried to get him to consider other foods to no avail. I'm afraid that he is slowly killing himself. He has packed on some weight since we've been together. I wouldn't call him obese, but I see what's coming. He drinks only sugar-loaded soda and hasn't seen a doctor since he was 18. I love all kinds of foods. What can I do to bring Simon over to my side? -- WORRIED ABOUT SIMON IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR WORRIED: Until your boyfriend is willing to face the fact that he has a problem, and is willing to do something about it, there is nothing you or I can do. Simon may eat the way he does because he has abandonment issues or because he never learned proper eating habits in the first place. But until he's willing to face up to what's eating him and change the way he is eating, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for the last four years. I want to take a break and see what else is out there, but I don't know how to tell her without freaking her out and making her cry. Abby, how do I tell a girl who loves me that I want to take a break and see other people? -- TEEN IN MINNESOTA
DEAR TEEN: Do it in person and in plain English before you waste one more minute of her time. When you do, be sure to tell her that the reason has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. Be prepared for the fact there may be tears. However, not every relationship is permanent, and breaking up is part of dating.