What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bride's Mother Is Appalled by Tacky Wedding Tradition
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is being married in three months, mentioned to me that her fiance's friends have a tradition of covering the newlyweds' car with condoms. Whatever happened to tin cans and a "Just Married" sign?
I'm no prude, but I'm appalled at the tackiness of it. There will be grandmothers and children attending the wedding. My daughter agrees that it's poor taste, but doesn't think there is anything she can do about it. Should I stay out of it, or go clean off the car myself during the reception? -- TEXAS BRIDAL MOM
DEAR BRIDAL MOM: Condoms on the car? Why, that's almost as much of a thigh-slapper as short-sheeting the bed in the honeymoon suite or trashing it entirely. Of course it's juvenile and in bad taste, but boys will be boys, and this is the element with whom your soon-to-be son-in-law associates. By the time your daughter goes to the car, she'll be a married woman. My advice is to stay out of it and let her fight her own battles.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Kim," and I have been married three years and have 14-month-old twin daughters. We have a beautiful life together with one exception -- my father. He thinks he knows everything and isn't afraid to give his opinion. He also makes silly comments to the twins such as, "If your mommy doesn't treat you right, then you can come live with Grandpa."
Kim is an excellent wife and mother. She takes my father's comments personally, even though I tell her he's just being goofy. She bristles every time my parents come over for a visit. When they do, she leaves the room. She rolls her eyes and has flat-out told me she can't stand my father.
What can we do? I love my father and am extremely close to both my parents. This has caused several fights between Kim and me. I say it's no big deal, but she REALLY resents my father. What do you think? -- PEACEMAKER IN COLORADO
DEAR PEACEMAKER: I wonder what your father may have said to your wife that has caused her to react to him so negatively. I recommend family counseling, and the sooner the better. The fact that Kim dislikes your overbearing father to the point that she can't be in the same room with him, and overreacts when he makes comments to the babies -- which I agree are goofy -- IS a "big deal."
DEAR ABBY: When I was 23, single and living at home with a manipulative mother, I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. At her urging and because I lacked self-confidence, I gave my son up for adoption. Several years later, I married and had two children who are now 29 and 33.
Recently I have been thinking about telling my children about their half-brother in a letter to be opened after my death. I have reservations about telling them at all, yet I feel they have a right to know. What is your advice? -- MOTHER WITH A SECRET
DEAR MOTHER: I see no reason not to reveal your secret to your adult children. If you prefer to do so in a letter after your death, that's your privilege. However, they will have questions that you will no longer be around to answer. So when you write that letter, I strongly suggest that you give them all the information you can so they'll be able to start a search if they wish.
P.S. If your son should show up searching for you somewhere down the line, that way they won't be shocked, and they will be able to provide the answers their half-brother is looking for.
Loving Neighbors Stand in for Grandparents Far Away
DEAR ABBY: "Nobody's Grandma" (June 12) is sad about her children's desire to remain childless. I would encourage her to seek out a family in her neighborhood, church or other shared connections who live far from family or have no grandparents.
I lived far from both sets of grandparents when I was young. An older couple who lived next door "adopted" us. They invited my siblings and me over to bake cookies and play cards, and filled the grandparent void in our young lives. In turn, we looked out for them and included them in our family events.
They were dear, special people to whom I remain indebted for their love and kindness. My children now play with the handcrafted toys from "Grandpa's" workshop, and I still make "Grandma's" wonderful angel food cake. -- AN ADOPTED GRANDCHILD IN WAYNESVILLE, OHIO
DEAR GRANDCHILD: Your experience with your adopted grandparents exemplifies my advice to "Nobody's Grandma." While many of my readers agreed with me, a few offered a different perspective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The offspring of "Nobody's Grandma" should be congratulated on their decision. Worldwide food shortages, poverty, pollution, global warming and religious bigotry against birth control have resulted in the greatest crisis facing the world today -- overpopulation. -- AN 83-YEAR-OLD "OPA"
DEAR ABBY: Have you heard of the Foster Grandparent Program? It's a federal program for people 60 years old and over. We work with children who need a little extra help in schools or in other areas where needed. The children I "foster" say I'm more like a grandma to them than some of their own grandmothers. I love and nurture them like my own -- and I have 26 grandchildren and 13 great-grandchildren. -- GRANDMA ANITA
DEAR ABBY: I sympathize with "Nobody's Grandma." I will probably never have grandchildren either because my only child has developmental disabilities. Sometimes I feel cheated, but I have learned it is better to appreciate what you have and to accept what you can't change. -- C.T. IN HAWAII
DEAR ABBY: Although my wife and I are blessed with nine biological grandkids, with No. 10 on the way, about a dozen or more children call us "Grandma" and "Grandpa." While our kids were growing up, we tended to informally collect other kids from less-than-happy homes who called us Mom and Dad. These young folks grew up and had children of their own who consider us their grandparents.
Look around your community. There are many children who desperately need grandparents to love and be loved by. Your life, as well as theirs, will be greatly enriched. -- EVERYBODY'S GRANDPA
DEAR ABBY: When I was born, "Aunt Sarah," a semi-retired colleague of Mom's, offered to baby-sit once a week to give my mom a chance to run errands. Aunt Sarah became an adopted grandmother to my brothers and me. She would play games with us, take us to fast-food restaurants, and to a playground afterward to burn off our burgers and fries. She always made sure we were well-dressed and even gave us money for college.
Aunt Sarah passed away a few months ago, but I'm fortunate to have had her in my life for 26 years. I hope "Nobody's Grandma" will take your suggestion to heart. She and her husband could have a great impact on the lives of some very lucky children. -- SARAH'S GRANDDAUGHTER
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Ramadan is beginning -- may your fast be an easy one!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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HUSBAND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD AT WIFE'S LOVE FOR LINGERIE
DEAR ABBY: When my wife sees lingerie she likes in a store, she asks me to buy it for her birthday or our anniversary. The problem is, she'll wear the item only once and never wear it again. She has a fortune in lingerie in her dresser drawer just taking up space.
I hate wasting money. Do you have any advice for me? -- FREDERICK, BUT NOT IN HOLLYWOOD
DEAR FRED: I see your point and do have a few thoughts on the subject. First, you are a sweet and generous husband to give your wife the lingerie she's requesting.
Now: Allow me to share a feminine secret. When women spy a display of "fabulous" lingerie, we often fantasize that we'll look like Giselle Bundchen when we put it on. Sadly, when there's no one to airbrush the image, that often doesn't turn out to be the case.
Also, lingerie displayed in a shop window isn't always practical for everyday wear. It may not offer enough support, look lumpy under outerwear, or worse, turn out to be scratchy.
Before the next special occasion, suggest to your wife that you go shopping together. That way, perhaps you and she can select something wearable, practical and pretty -- and you won't feel so frustrated.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing this letter to make amends to a former co-worker. This incident happened years ago. I have no idea where this lady is, or I would say it directly, but I am hoping she will see it in your column.
"Dear Former Co-Worker: Many years ago, your husband sexually molested your daughter. It was in the paper and on the news. You came to work every day looking distraught, and I did and said nothing. I didn't know what to say and didn't want to add to your pain, so I didn't speak up. I have always regretted it. I felt your sorrow and respected your courage. I want you to know that I cared about you and what you and your daughter were going through. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to say a kind or sympathetic word.
"I still think of you and wish I hadn't held back. I know what a hard time this was for you on many levels. I sincerely apologize and hope you and your daughter are OK. I also hope you can forgive me for being a coward." -- YOUR FORMER CO-WORKER, LESLIE
DEAR LESLIE: I, too, hope your former co-worker sees your letter. However, whether she does or not, it sets an example for others who see someone in distress and don't know how to reach out. When someone is in pain, knowing that someone cares can be of great comfort.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a family of girls. Our parents always told us we could do anything a boy could do, and we did. However, when our brother was born, everything changed.
He is now 40 and has never been able to hold a job longer than a month. He has a college degree, a wife who works and three wonderful little girls. Our parents are in their 80s and continue to pay his bills! Mom even takes his clothes to the cleaners. How can we get our brother to stop taking advantage of our parents? -- BIG SISTER IN TEXAS
DEAR BIG SISTER: I think you have it backward. By turning your brother into an object of worship and failing to teach him responsibility and independence, your parents have done all they could to allow themselves to be taken advantage of.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)