What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
STAY-AT-HOME MOM QUESTIONS SETTING EXAMPLE FOR DAUGHTERS
DEAR ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart at 18 and put off college to start the family that we always wanted. Nine years later, we have three beautiful daughters.
My husband has a great job with a good salary. I have never had to work, but now I feel totally dependent on him. I have expressed my feelings to him about wanting a career. He tells me I already have one -- taking care of the family. He says I need to be at home with them.
Abby, I feel like I should get out of the house and start a career of my own so my daughters don't think their place in the world is to be only a stay-at-home mommy. Don't get me wrong, I love being with and taking care of my girls. But am I doing long-term damage to them by being so dependent on their father for everything? -- TEXAS MOMMY
DEAR TEXAS MOMMY: You may think you are asking one question, but it appears you have two separate issues that need resolving. Your concern about feeling completely financially dependent shouldn't be ignored. What would happen to you and the children if something were to happen to your husband? With only a high school education to fall back on, the impact would be life-changing for you and your girls.
You ask if you are somehow damaging them because you are a full-time mommy. And yet, how can having a mother in the house whose focus is on their welfare and development be damaging? Most children should be so fortunate.
The solution to your problem lies in compromise. By that I mean devoting some of your time to taking classes so you can earn a degree when all your children are in school full time. That way -- heaven forbid it should come to this -- you will be able to support yourself and your daughters should the need arise.
DEAR ABBY: My mother lacks social sensitivity. She just doesn't know how to communicate with people, especially her kids and grandkids. She makes critical and inappropriate comments that create tension and misunderstanding. Often her trivial opinions will bring conversations to a dead stop.
She has told me she doesn't do it on purpose. But my husband, kids and in-laws don't understand why she's the way she is. Mom had a very hard life. My father was an abusive alcoholic. After they divorced, Mom raised three kids on her own. We were very poor and don't have many good memories. We grew up surrounded by anger, hopelessness and negativity.
I love my mother very much, and I know she tried her best, but we are still a dysfunctional family. I am considering having family therapy. Mom is 73 now. Is she too old to have therapy? I really need your advice. -- TRYING TO HELP IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: If someone recognizes there is a problem and is open to getting help, then there is no age limit for psychotherapy. However, if you think family therapy will change your mother, you're barking up the wrong tree. What family therapy can do is help you, your husband, your kids and the in-laws to react differently to her -- and in a case like this, it might be helpful.
Different Political Views Bring on Family's Scorn
DEAR ABBY: I have come to dread family gatherings. My extended family holds a different political perspective than I. It seems like at every occasion they sit around and expound on the good points of their candidate or elected official, while belittling the opposition and ridiculing his or her supporters. I have tried on several occasions to change the subject or tell them I don't wish to discuss politics, to no avail.
Recently at a family party, I sat down with some relatives I hadn't seen in a long time in an effort to reconnect. They soon began their political bashing. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, only to discover that while I was gone they had discussed my political leanings. When I attempted to go to another room, a relative asked whom I was voting for. I said my vote was a private matter -- and the statement prompted peals of laughter in the room.
I would really like to spend time with my family, but with the elections coming up, I feel the need to avoid them. Please assist me on how to handle this. -- NO POLITICS (OR RELIGION) PLEASE, IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO P. OR R.: The surest way is to avoid them until all the votes are counted, after which they'll be so weary of politics that you won't be bothered again -- until the next election.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old woman who moved in with a friend, "Natasha," who is also 25, after her boyfriend of seven years kicked her out three months ago.
One of the conditions of my moving in was that I'd get to use her car for work and errands because I'd be moving out of my mother's house and had shared Mom's car.
Well, I accidentally spilled a drink in Natasha's car while I was using it, and she revoked my privilege to drive it. I'm looking for a car of my own, but I have already spent a great deal of money to move in with Natasha and help her in her time of need.
I understand that the car is Natasha's property, and she can do with it as she pleases. But I'm concerned that she went back on her word so quickly into our living situation. She has now started leaving me nasty, belittling little notes and is scathing with her choice of words. She refuses to talk to me and will communicate with me now only through writing. I'd like to take the high road, but I'm having a hard time finding it.
Until now, I enjoyed living with her, and I don't want to end our arrangement. How can I have backbone but still be a good friend and roommate? -- STRANDED IN A SMALL TOWN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STRANDED: Because of the way your roommate is acting, it may not be possible. While I can understand Natasha being upset about the drink you spilled in her car, it appears she has gone a little over the top -- unless there are other things about you that also make her angry. (Was the vehicle cleaned to her satisfaction after the mishap?)
It would be helpful if you could have a frank, face-to-face discussion. You need to hear what's on her mind, minus the nastiness. If she is unwilling, then you should look for other living arrangements as soon as possible.
P.S. Wouldn't it be interesting if the reason for her change in attitude is a desire to reunite with her boyfriend?
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Woman Puts Down Deep Roots Growing Up in Sisters' Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Like "Chaz's Brother" (June 17), who is living in the shadow of his extremely popular younger brother, I, too, spent years feeling invisible, but finally looked for ways to differentiate myself from my "perfect" siblings. In the process of pursuing my own interests, I also found friends who liked me for who I was.
Now that I'm 32, I realize that I have something my sisters don't -- strong friendships with people I never took for granted. My sisters, meanwhile, were used to everyone adoring them and never bothered cultivating relationships the way I did. People eventually got sick of being taken for granted, and time has been the true test for their relationships with those who once flocked to them.
Neither of them has friends who would drop everything to help them in time of need, provide a shoulder to cry on or help with a major move. On the other hand, by being more than just pretty on the outside, I have gained friends who love me for who I am and reciprocate the loyalty I've shown them over the years. Now it's my sisters' turn to say, "I wish I were more like you." -- LYDIA IN OHIO
DEAR LYDIA: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. Some readers took issue with my assertion that you can't run away from your history or your "place" in the family. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was always in the shadow of my older sister. The teachers liked her better, she got higher grades, had more friends, and was just better at everything than I was.
But life has taught me that I am just as good at most things and even better at some. I have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. Once I put the focus on what I could do, rather than comparing myself with my sister, everything changed. The outcome of your life really has nothing to do with your sibling. It has everything to do with how you respond to him or her and those around you. -- SUCCESSFUL IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ABBY: I speak from experience as someone who has moved 1,000 miles from my hometown and has spent 20 years in my new state. Before I left I was regarded as the "family baby." I was not taken seriously and didn't have much of an identity, other than the one some in my family saddled me with.
Moving away at 23 to a new home in the West was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grew up fast, handled my own affairs, learned how not to lean on family or anyone else for support, and generally accepted life on my own terms. My old life back home is gone, and I honestly love it that way. -- BETTER IN COLORADO
DEAR ABBY: "Chaz's Brother" needs to realize that what he has is far more substantial than what Chaz has. As a woman, I would much rather have a man who is the nicer, warmer one whom people can talk to, than be with a man who I have to share with two other women. What Chaz's brother has going for him will last longer than a relationship with any of those "three gorgeous women" Chaz is seeing.
The same was true for my older sister and me. She is now a divorced mother of two, while I have been happily married for 15 years. I had to learn to live my own life in the sun, not in someone else's shadow. -- LEARNED THE LESSON IN NORTH DAKOTA
DEAR ABBY: In school, my older brother was smart, talented and good-looking. I was known as "Jay's sister" and dreamed of having my own identity. When he was 21, Jay was killed in a car wreck. Suddenly I had the solo status I had long desired, but I was lost without my guiding beacon.
To "Chaz's Brother": Enjoy the light. Step out of his shadow now. Find your own talents and be thankful for your brother's shining star. Occasionally I will run into an old friend who remembers my "perfect" brother. I couldn't be prouder to be known as "Jay's sister." -- MISSING THE SHADOW
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)