For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cheating to Get Ahead Only Puts Student Further Behind
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 and have bad problems at school. Whenever I'm behind, can't figure out a problem or just want to get it done, I cheat.
I'm home-schooled, and my mom is my teacher, which means the answer books are in my "classroom." I have tried to stop, but some-times I can't resist the temptation.
I have asked Mom to lock away the answer books, but she won't. There-for I continue to cheat. What should I do? -- CHEATER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CHEATER: Quit cheating, reorganize your time, and get extra help with your subjects if you need it. It is vital that you understand that when you cheat, the only person who gets cheated is yourself. Yes, you can "ace" a test -- but if you haven't learned the material, you will eventually pay a penalty.
Take another look at your letter. It contains two errors. At some point you will have to take responsibility for your actions -- and from my perspective, the sooner you do it, the better off you'll be.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime faithful reader who has managed to ruin her marriage. I have been married to "Jim" for three years. We married after a very short courtship and had been generally happy, although I am admittedly insecure.
We bought a house six months ago. At the time, our finances were OK. Then Jim lost his job and had to get one that paid less. He forged on, but I wanted him to find something that paid more because the bills were eating us alive. I also discovered his account was always overdrawn. (We don't have join checking accounts for a reason.)
To make a long story short, when I found out he wasn't being forthright, I got upset. Another overdraft notice came to the house, and I yelled again. Jim didn't come home that night, and now he refuses to take my phone calls or respond to my text messages.
I sent him a message saying I wanted a divorce and didn't want to be married to him anymore, but only because I thought HE wanted out. I folded his things the day I sent it, and when I came home after work I found his keys and wedding band on the kitchen counter -- no note or anything.
I have tried calling to apologize. His sister says he will eventually talk to me "when he's ready." Abby, I love my husband. I would go get counseling if that's what it takes to bring him back and make our marriage work, but I can't if he won't meet me halfway. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- ADRIFT IN ANDERSON, S.C.
DEAR ADRIFT: Take your cue from your sister-in-law, and give Jim some time to cool off and sort out his feelings. He probably knows you want to reconcile, and the ball is now in his court.
Frankly, it appears that neither of you was ready for the marriage you rushed into. Premarital counseling would have shown you that your attitudes about money were not in harmony. And sending him a message (texting?!) that you wanted a divorce because you thought he wanted out was rash and immature.
IF Jim wants to try again, it is extremely important that the two of you improve your level of verbal communication. However, if he doesn't, you will have to accept it and learn from this painful experience that you can't unring the bell, so choose your words and your tone carefully.
Houseguest Treads Cautiously on Custom of Removing Shoes
DEAR ABBY: I have been wondering about the custom of shoe removal when someone is a guest at the home of the person who practices this custom before entering the house.
When the entryway has several pairs of shoes in plain view, it's obvious the residents remove their footwear before entering the living space. By the way, I am not referring to entering a Japanese home where it is considered disrespectful to leave one's shoes on.
How can a guest handle a situation like this in your standard American home? Is it appropriate to ask if they would like you to remove your shoes? This can be of particular concern to a woman in dressy attire wearing heels or other footwear to complete her outfit. If she removes her shoes, it can ruin the image she's trying to present. Walking barefoot or in stockings could be considering tacky. What is the proper etiquette for these circumstances? -- FOOTLOOSE IN FLORIDA
DEAR FOOTLOOSE: Proper etiquette would be for the hosts to inform prospective guests beforehand about their preference that shoes not be worn inside their home. That way, the person can choose to accept the invitation or not, or dress in such a way that his/her "image" won't be ruined when the shoes come off.
This subject is mentioned in "Emily Post's Etiquette," 17th Edition, by Peggy Post, who says: "While removing your shoes when entering someone else's home isn't typically a part of U.S. culture ... politely asking family, friends and party guests to do so is fine -- especially in locales with long seasons of inclement weather.
"Just make sure you have a stash of comfortable slippers, flip-flops or nonskid slippers or socks for visitors to wear. That way, guests won't feel so uncomfortable about exposing their bare stocking feet. Be careful, though. If you're throwing a more formal party or you don't know your guests all that well, asking them to remove their shoes could be awkward."
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my second year of playing baseball for the Babe Ruth league in my town. I like the sport, but I'm only an average hitter and fielder. I'm not even close to being one of the good players on the team.
My dad puts a lot of effort into trying to make me the best on the team. I try as hard as I can to improve at practice and in the games, but I don't seem to get any better.
One night before Dad went to bed I told him, "I'm sorry I'm not as good as you want me to be." He said, "Don't worry about it. One of these days I'm going to make you into one of the best there is."
I want to be all that my father wants me to be -- and more -- but no matter how hard I try, I just don't have the talent. Should I tell my father that this is the best that I will probably ever get? -- DOING THE BEST I CAN
DEAR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN: Not just yet. Your father may get pleasure from spending the time with you and be unaware of the pressure you're experiencing. Not everyone excels in sports. That's why we have writers, scientists, artists and computer geniuses.
Look at it this way: You were good enough to qualify for the team. Do you still enjoy the game? If it has become a burden, talk to your coach about it. Maybe he can have a talk with your father, and you can share some other activity.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAUGHTER CHAFES UNDER STRICT CONTROL OF SUSPICIOUS MOTHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school student in the top 2 percent of my class. I'm heavily involved in extracurricular activities. I don't give my mom much to worry about, but she is always "concerned."
She spies on me from the other room while I'm online and has recruited my brother to help her. She has forced me to give her the passwords to my e-mail and Myspace accounts and constantly asks me what I'm doing.
When I'm in my room alone, she repeatedly comes in to ask me what's going on and says I'm not supposed to close my bedroom door. If I do, she will open it without knocking. Abby, even the bathroom door isn't permitted to be locked. If it is, Mom breaks in with a bobby pin, and I'm given the third degree. Nothing is sacred.
Mom has looked for and read my diary. When I question her methods, she responds that she "doesn't want to argue about it."
I have never given her any problems. Is she right to be concerned, or do I deserve better? Please help. I have nothing to myself. -- SPIED ON IN OHIO
DEAR SPIED ON: While I'm all for conscientious parenting, it appears your mom as gone over the top. In her zeal to "protect" you -- even from yourself -- she is acting more like a prison matron than a mother. Because you have given her no grounds for her inability to trust you, I can only wonder what she did as a teen that has made her hyper-suspicious of you.
Is your father in the picture? If so, talk to him about the situation. If not, ask a female relative or the mother of a friend to talk to your mother and explain that when this amount of control is exerted, all it accomplishes is driving the child away. I can't promise it will help her to get a grip, but it might.
DEAR ABBY: Six years before my father was diagnosed with bone cancer, he suffered a severe stroke that left him barely able to communicate. He had always been extremely social, so his inability to talk had been hard on him, but the pain from the bone cancer made it far worse. He no longer enjoyed his favorite music and television shows, and he was frustrated by his inability to communicate. Even visits from loved ones didn't provide much comfort. We were at a loss as to how to ease his suffering and fears.
Then my sister-in-law came up with a wonderful idea. She assembled a collage of pictures from Dad's life. Many were silly, candid shots that would make the average photographer cringe, but they were a visible record of the story of his life. He spent countless hours gazing at the collage with a faraway, happy expression on his face that let us know he was remembering happier times.
After his death we moved the collage to a place of honor in my parents' home, where it continues to remind us all of the wonderful life that was my father's. I'm so grateful to my dear sister-in-law for her stroke of brilliance. It provided immeasurable comfort to Dad during his last days, and continues to bring joy to our family. Perhaps her creative idea will be helpful to others. -- VIRGINIA IN TUCSON
DEAR VIRGINIA: I hope so. By summing up her father-in-law's life in that "pictorial essay," in a sense she gave back to him what his illness had stolen away. And I'm sure it brought him comfort. Thank you for sharing.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone. And to my dear mother, Pauline Phillips, in Minneapolis -- Happy 90th birthday, Mom. You're the one who caused all those fireworks!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)