For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dying Woman's Hostility Is Tearing Her Sister Apart
DEAR ABBY: Please help me -- I am in pieces. My sister is dying of cancer. She has shut me out of her life and has become very hostile toward me. This is breaking my heart, and I don't know how to deal with it. I have done nothing to offend her, and I don't understand why she is acting this way.
I understand that my sister is in pain and afraid, but I need her in my life because I love her. What can I do? -- CARING SISTER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CARING SISTER: I'm sorry about the sad prognosis your sister received. Many years ago, a doctor named Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five distinct emotional stages that a dying person may go through after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
However, people do not necessarily pass through all of these stages. Sometimes they get "stuck" -- and it appears your sister hasn't made it past the second stage. Spiritual and/or psychological counseling might help her. But if she's unwilling to accept it, all you can do is let her know how much you love her, need her and will always miss her.
P.S. A grief support group might be very helpful for you, so check with the American Cancer Society. It can be reached by calling (800) 227-2345 or visiting � HYPERLINK "http://www.cancer.org" ��www.cancer.org�.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Then our hostess told us that guests must bring their own plates and silverware or we would not be permitted to join the dinner. I thought it was extremely tacky; my husband saw no problem with it. What are your thoughts? -- DINNER GUEST IN DENVER
DEAR DINNER GUEST: Let's put it this way -- your hostess's request was highly unusual. Perhaps the woman didn't have enough china and silverware to accommodate all the people she wanted to come. Of course, she could have provided paper plates and plastic flatware -- and that's what you should have brought so you wouldn't have had to carry home and wash your dirty dishes.
P.S. If you chose to attend the woman's dinner party knowing the circumstances, it's not very nice to now be biting the hand that fed you.
DEAR ABBY: Now that it's summer I need your help with one of your to-the-point witty comebacks. My husband and I are both fair-skinned. Skin cancer runs in both sides of our families. We always wear sunscreen and lather up our 8-month-old child as well.
Yesterday, a few friends at the pool made jokes about needing sunglasses in our presence because of the sun reflecting off our pale bodies. I became upset and left the pool. Is there something I can say to make a point and let these people know how rude they are when commenting on our lack of a suntan? -- TANLESS IN SUGAR HILL, GA.
DEAR TANLESS: For many years the American Academy of Dermatology has urged everyone -- regardless of skin tone -- to avoid long-term exposure to the sun, and to always wear sunscreen, even on cloudy days. I see no reason to try and be witty. "Skin cancer runs in both sides of our family, and frankly, you should be careful, too," is a simple way to convey your message. (Let a smile be your umbrella if they give you any flak.)
Family Incredulous at Birth of Unexpected Bundle of Joy
DEAR ABBY: Our son "Sean" is 20 and has been going with a girl 2 1/2 years older than he is. I'll call her "Taryn." When we first met Taryn we liked her very much. She was chubby, and Sean told us she was on a diet. We found out later Taryn was 5 1/2 months pregnant.
As time went on, she grew larger and larger. We asked Sean if she could be pregnant. He told us he had asked her and she said no, that she was just built like her mother. (She told her co-workers the same thing.)
Late one night, our surprised and upset son called to tell us Taryn had just delivered a full-term, 7-pound baby boy. Her doctor and her friends have all said she didn't know what was going on. Even after the baby was born, she asked the doctor "what was happening." She couldn't believe she'd had a baby. Taryn told Sean she had had her period the whole nine months and never felt the baby move.
The doctor told my son that some girls don't know when they are pregnant, so now he believes her! We have had many family discussions about this. I am the mother of six children, and I always knew when I was pregnant.
Is it possible that she didn't know she was pregnant, even though she had been asked directly more than once? We feel Taryn has been lying to Sean the whole time. We haven't seen her since the birth. She's living with and being supported by her parents. Sean loves Taryn and the baby and plans to marry her and adopt the boy. Please help us. -- FLABBERGASTED PARENTS IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR PARENTS: Although it is highly unusual, it is not unheard of for a woman to conceive and carry a baby to term without knowing she's pregnant. It does stretch the imagination -- among other things -- for her to deliver the baby and still ask what's going on. Because her doctor says this was the case with Taryn, who are we to say otherwise?
Please remember, your son is in love with this young woman. He plans to marry her. So your wisest course of action would be to accept Taryn and the baby and make the best of this uncomfortable situation. To do otherwise will estrange your son from you. Also, it's clear your daughter-in-law-to-be needs the mentoring of as many mature women in her life as possible.
DEAR ABBY: In the past few years several of my friends moved out of state. Before they left, they gave me items they couldn't take along. They said I could keep the stuff or have a yard sale.
Now these friends have returned and are asking for their things back. I feel like I was used as a temporary storage facility. This has happened to me three different times.
I have been using the items as mine, feeling they belonged to me. I think I'm being used. How should I respond to these people? -- RESENTFUL IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA
DEAR RESENTFUL: Because these people gave you the items to do with as you wished -- to keep or to sell -- they belong to you. How you respond to their request depends upon how much you value their friendship, because your refusal to return them could become a bone of contention.
In the future when someone asks to leave furniture with you, make sure to have the terms put clearly in writing. Because this has happened to you three different times, there appears to have been a serious breakdown in communication somewhere along the line.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Father Laments Conversation Gap With His Only Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I am the father of a middle-aged, unmarried, well-educated daughter I'll call "Yvette." My problem is, whether we're together or talking on the phone, Yvette seems to find it difficult to converse with me.
It's most noticeable when I'm sharing something with her, not the other way around. She'll comment on what I have to say, but rarely show any real interest in knowing more. "How are you?" is about all she ever asks. It has been this way for years, and it has affected my wanting to spend time with her. (Neither of us comes from a background where love or affection was openly displayed.)
When I called it to Yvette's attention, she told me she doesn't like to pry, that she figures I'll tell her whatever I want her to know. She doesn't seem to understand that, without some display of interest on her part, it's difficult for me to know if she's interested in what I'm saying.
I know she routinely "tunes out" her mother -- my ex-wife -- who dominates conversations with almost everyone. That isn't my M.O.! Yvette added -- with a chuckle -- that "maybe subconsciously" she does the same with me. I fail to see the humor. Yvette is my only child, and I'd like to feel closer to her. Any suggestions? -- UNHEARD IN PHOENIX
DEAR UNHEARD: Many a truth is said "in jest." When Yvette stated that she also tunes you out, she made an important admission. The time has come for a frank discussion. Ask your daughter why. Could she be punishing you for your inability to show love or affection while she was growing up?
Ask her directly if the reason she shows so little interest in what you have to say is that she's really NOT interested. Tell Yvette that her behavior is rude, uncaring and distancing. Be sure to tell her that you love her and would like to have a closer relationship, but that achieving one takes effort on the part of both of you.
It's a shame this has gone on for so many years, but if your daughter is willing, the stalemate does not have to continue.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office with shared workspaces. One of my co-workers has a sniffling problem that I think may be just a habit. He makes extremely loud sniffing noises all day long. There are no tissues on his desk, and once I asked him if he needed sinus medication. He said no, but the sniffling stopped momentarily.
Abby, the sound makes me sick to my stomach. What should I do? -- SNIFFLED OUT IN INDIANA
DEAR SNIFFLED OUT: Your co-worker's sniffling is not "just a habit." He may have an allergy or a chronic post-nasal drip. He wouldn't be sniffling if there wasn't something in his nose.
Tell him the constant sniffling is distracting, and he needs to do something about it. And if he doesn't, talk to the supervisor or office manager.
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