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Summer Dresses Reveal More Than Woman May Care to Show
DEAR ABBY: At the age of 40, I had emergency cardiac surgery followed by an infection, more surgery and six months of difficult recovery. With the help of medical professionals and my husband's tireless care, I finally healed. It's been nearly five years, but I'm back to my "normal" self and can do just about anything I could before. I'm grateful for my life and feel blessed to have recovered from an illness that many have not survived.
My problem: I am very well-endowed. I used to enjoy dressing to highlight my "assets" in a ladylike way. But my once-attractive cleavage is now obscured by deep, severe scarring. On the one hand, my scar is my badge of survival. I don't try to hide it when dressing for work or for leisure. On the other hand, I don't try to flaunt it either.
A season of summer gatherings, parties and celebrations is here, and I'd like to dress for them. Should I stick to high-collared tops (which make me feel frumpy) or wear dresses and blouses that reveal the scars? My close friends are used to them, but I don't want to shock strangers at the hors d'oeuvres table.
This may seem like vanity when so many struggle for health, but it has been difficult overcoming depression after my illness and a long time since I've felt good about dressing up a little. I'd like your opinion. -- WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN
DEAR WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY: We are the sum total of our life experiences. Among yours has been major surgery. If you wouldn't mind answering questions about your scars, then wear the low-cut tops you're inclined to. I have seen other women do it. However, if answering questions would make you uncomfortable, consider wearing outfits that highlight your assets in a different way -- or even highlighting different assets.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Regina," who is a wonderful person. The problem is, she has become obsessed with her toddler nephew, "Michael," to the point that she thinks of nothing else. She lives and breathes for him, and our friendship has suffered tremendously because of it.
I love little Michael, too, but I don't want to hear about him 24/7! I have tried changing the subject when Regina starts droning on about every detail of Michael's day, but she always draws the subject back to him. She thinks her sister and brother-in-law can't do anything right for the boy.
Michael's parents are young and work full-time, so Michael is with Regina 50 percent of the time and has been since the day he was born. Regina has no kids of her own and has told me she doesn't intend to -- because she has Michael.
I have tried talking to her about this. Finally, I exploded and told her she has been driving me crazy with talk of nothing but him. She answered that Michael is the only thing she knows how to do right and can talk about intelligently. I think my friend is obsessed. What more can I do? -- ENOUGH ALREADY IN TEXARKANA
DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: Your friend is less "obsessed" with her nephew than preoccupied. Fifty percent of her time is spent providing child care for him. What else do you expect her to talk about?
I think it's time you cut her some slack. Suggest you do things together that will give her some adult stimulation -- plays, movies, art shows, etc. It could not only save your sanity, it could also improve your relationship and give her something else she can talk about intelligently.
Daughter in Law's Language Can Be a Bridge, Not a Barrier
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "The In-Laws in New Jersey" (April 26), who think their daughter-in-law is rude for speaking a foreign language to her parents and children in front of them. I'm disappointed you didn't point out the opportunity Carmella has to enrich the lives of her husband's parents.
The United States is one of the only first-world nations that does not require its children to learn more than one language, which has left many people feeling that anyone not speaking English is being "rude." Bilingual people can tell you that the pattern of speaking with family in the native language is deeply ingrained and is not easily broken. It isn't intended to exclude others. The in-laws are not out of line to ask Carmella to translate what she's saying, but they could use it as a chance to be a part of their grandchildren's language development.
I come from a bilingual family. My husband is monolingual. We're aware that not speaking English can make him feel isolated, so we do our best to translate to keep him in the loop. This approach has enabled him to start learning the language -- and he's coming along nicely. Multilingualism is an asset to society -- not a flaw. -- BILINGUAL AND PROUD, ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR BILINGUAL: Thank you for the input. The "In-laws" had let Carmella know the private conversations made them uncomfortable, and I felt a little more sensitivity to their feelings was in order. However, the responses that have poured in offer varied perspectives. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: I doubt Carmella was speaking the foreign language to be rude. She may not even realize she's doing it. When you have spoken one language to your parents all your life, switching to another is awkward and unnatural. I speak Taiwanese to my parents, but English to all my friends. Your brain automatically changes languages without you even thinking about it. Carmella's in-laws should know she probably isn't doing it to exclude them, but is only doing something that is second nature. -- WAN-JEN IN UTAH
DEAR ABBY: I am a white, English-speaking, middle-aged woman living in a multiethnic, multi-language community. I can tell you firsthand that learning a few words in another language goes a long way toward community and family harmony. May I suggest the New Jersey in-laws show some polite interest and ask Carmella for help with basic greetings and courtesy terms such as "please," "thank you" and "How are you?" Perhaps they could also learn "I love you" in her language to share with their grandchildren. -- JANET IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I am French, married to an Englishman who does not speak French. For the last 10 years, I have spoken only French to my children. When others are present, I always let them know I am not being impolite or trying to keep them out of the conversation. My kids are perfectly bilingual now, and in order to achieve such a goal you must be consistent. To me, preserving the richness of two cultures is more important than offending someone. But children should know they can translate for other people in the room when appropriate. -- SIMONE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: Having the ability to speak some English doesn't mean someone is always comfortable doing it at length or can express what they truly mean. Some colloquialisms, jokes and terms of endearment do not translate. If the in-laws accept that it's not all about them, they will soon realize that "family" can cross language barriers. -- HAPPY THE WAY THINGS ARE
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Relief Is Daughter's Response to Demanding Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: My mother was abusive. When I was 13, she thought it was "cute" to set me up on a date with a 21-year-old Marine on leave. When I was 15, she told me that if she had known she could get an abortion in the '60s, I wouldn't be here. You get the picture.
Although she had no time for me when I was growing up, after her husband died she suddenly became clingy. She'd call me at work at 8 a.m. demanding that I drive 20 miles on my lunch break to bring her a pizza. (Due to obesity and ill health, she was pretty much housebound.)
She spent the last 18 months of her life in a rest home. But her demands became worse. There were frantic phone calls at 2 a.m. to come sit with her because she was "lonely." When I'd rush over, I'd find her sleeping. She called me four or five times during the day, and even more often in the evening.
I gritted my teeth and performed like the good daughter I thought I was. It was infuriating to hear the doctors and nurses say what a loving mother she was, how proud of me she was, blah, blah ...
Her death was a relief. I still run into people who ask about her, and when I tell them she's gone, they ask how I'm holding up. How do I tell them I'm fine? I haven't grieved at all since her death a year ago, nor do I feel sad. The only thing I feel sad about is the fact that I don't feel sad! I'm not an unfeeling person. Your thoughts? -- FEELING GUILTY IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Of course your mother's passing was a relief. How could it not be? When people ask how you're holding up, you don't have to air the dirty laundry. Tell them you are managing, and that being without your mother is an "adjustment." (It's the truth.) As to your not having cried over her demise, it may be because you know she's in a better place, and you survived in spite of her -- so stop feeling guilty.
DEAR ABBY: I have a disease. It's called "plan-itis." I love planning card games, pool parties, Halloween parties, etc. I plan parties for our friends and family to attend, or adult parties to get together without the kids.
I am married with two children and work full-time. I love to throw get-togethers for any occasion. If you want to be married in one week, I can plan it and pull it off for you. Do you think there is something wrong with me? -- "PARTY" GIRL IN OHIO
DEAR "PARTY" GIRL: I sure don't! Your "disease" would be more accurately defined as a "talent." People have turned that talent into successful party-planning businesses. So why not turn what you're already doing -- and already good at -- into a side business? You could be very successful at it.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what kind of tree is usually planted in honor of someone's death? The anniversary of my father's death is approaching, and I would like to honor him with a tree. -- REMEMBERING HIM
DEAR REMEMBERING: Where do you plan to plant this tree? If it's the cemetery where your father is buried, you should ask if it's allowed and what the preferences are. If the reply is "anything goes," consider what tree best symbolizes your father. An oak that bespeaks his strength? A redwood or hardy pine to symbolize his stature in your life? Or a weeping willow, as a statement that he will always be missed.
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