For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Flees Violent Husband as Well as Helpless Relatives
DEAR ABBY: My children and I were living with a maniac who threatened to kill me if I took the kids and ran. We reached out to his family, hoping they would intervene and tell him they knew what he was doing to us. We wanted someone to stand up to him.
His sister said: "I don't want to hear this. I love my brother. I don't want to think about him doing these things, so don't tell me these stories!"
His father said, "What did you do to provoke him?"
His brother and his wife were sympathetic, but said there was nothing they could do.
The last violent episode ended with the children and me locking ourselves in the bathroom while my husband screamed and tried to break the door down for half an hour. When he finally stopped, I called his dad who said, "Do you know what time it is? You woke me up!" He hung up the phone so fast I didn't get to tell him what his son had done to our autistic son.
After getting help from outside sources, we finally felt safe enough to leave. We're now divorced, and my daughter wants nothing to do with her father's side of the family. Her granddad can't figure out why she won't talk to him, and her aunt has no clue why my daughter refuses to visit.
Abby, please urge family members to step up to the plate. Be supportive and ask what you can do to help. Lives could be saved in the process, in more ways than one. -- HEARTBREAK IN THE HEARTLAND
DEAR HEARTBREAK: I'm doing as you requested, but if your husband didn't suffer from severe mental problems, he probably learned his abusive ways from his own father, while his sister grew up in denial about her family's dysfunction, and his brother was trained to feel "helpless."
I'm pleased you were finally able to take control of your lives and get out of there. Now please, teach your daughter a lesson in assertiveness. Tell her she has nothing to gain by remaining silent, and she should tell her grandfather why she no longer talks to him, and her aunt why she no longer wants her in her life. Doing so will make her stronger.
DEAR ABBY: We recently moved into our dream house. We bought it from an elderly man who had lived there alone after his wife died seven years ago.
While exploring the property, we found a small gravestone with the name "Sparkle" engraved on it. We assume this was a former pet of the owner, but he never mentioned it to us.
Some of us want to dig it up and see what is really buried there. Others think we should just remove the stone. Or should we let it stay where it is? -- UNSETTLED IN ALTOONA
DEAR UNSETTLED: Take a vote. If the majority thinks the old man might have "forgotten" the family jewels, then see what's down there. But be prepared to find nothing more than the moldering remains of a beloved family pet.
Personally, I vote for leaving things as they are -- unless you're planning on re-landscaping the property, in which case you could remove the stone and let Sparkle continue to R.I.P.
EUROPEANS PRACTICE COURTESY WHEN USING THEIR CELL PHONES
DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip to Europe I learned firsthand the meaning of the term "ugly American," which stems partly from the loud, obnoxious voices we sometimes use in public.
When Europeans are out in public they converse in low, modulated tones. They carry cell phones as we do, but rarely did I see Europeans use them, and never loudly. On trains, they walk out of the train car and answer their phones between the cars, so they won't disturb other passengers. And only once did I see someone answer a cell phone in a restaurant.
For some reason, Americans seem to need to be constantly on their cell phones. It's almost as if they have a compulsion to prove to those around them they are important or have friends. Well, they would gain far more friends if they turned off their phones and smiled or spoke quietly to the human seated next to them. -- TRAVELER IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR TRAVELER: Here we go again on the subject of cell phone manners. People who plan to travel outside the country need to keep in mind that once we cross the border we become unofficial representatives of the U.S.A., and first impressions can have a lasting impact. That's why it's wise to ask a travel agent or read up on your destination before leaving to learn what the local customs are in the place you are visiting -- and this applies not only to the use of cell phones, but also to how you dress and whether or not it's appropriate to take photos.
DEAR ABBY: I am a student intern in a small laboratory. I like my job and get along with everyone who works here. However, there's one woman I can almost never understand. She has an accent, does not articulate her words well and speaks in a low tone of voice.
When I say, "What?" or "Excuse me?" she will repeat what she said, but I still cannot hear her. I have resorted to just laughing when she laughs and trying to avoid her. Luckily, I don't have to work directly with her very often, but I feel bad because I'm not as friendly to her as I am to everyone else. How should I handle this? -- HUH? IN ORLANDO
DEAR HUH? Tell her the truth, that you need her to speak more clearly because you have difficulty understanding her. But do it privately so you won't embarrass her.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating an amazing girl, "Nina," for two months, and have fallen madly in love with her. Although contemplating marriage at this point might seem presumptuous, I'm convinced that this is where we're headed.
My concern is Nina's mother, "Joan." Although Joan is fully capable of working, she has chosen to "guilt" Nina into supporting her. She makes little or no financial contribution and works as little as possible. Nina is convinced that her mother is helpless, although Joan has never been diagnosed with a physical or psychological chronic illness.
I'm afraid that if I marry Nina, she will insist that we take care of her mother for the rest of her life. This would take a heavy toll on both the marriage and our finances. How can I make Nina recognize that my concern is valid without having her think I'm heartless? -- THREE'S A CROWD IN NEW YORK
DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: A step in the right direction would be to have a long engagement, and insist that before you tie the knot you have premarital counseling to ensure the two of you are in agreement about what the marriage will involve.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Autograph Hound Is Curious Breed to Puzzled Bystander
DEAR ABBY: Please answer a question that has me perplexed. Why do people collect autographs?
I do not understand the need for a collection of signatures, regardless of how famous -- or infamous -- the person may be. I have never had the need to brag or show proof that I encountered "someone." In fact, I feel it's a breach of a person's privacy to approach and ask for a signature.
I realize that some may collect autographs for their monetary value, but what's the reasoning behind it? Book signings, I get. Movie posters, promotional items, baseball cards and sports memorabilia, I get. But I don't understand adults (and sometimes children) approaching someone famous and asking them to sign something.
Can you explain what's the big deal? -- NO AUTOGRAPH HOUND, PONTOTOC, MISS.
DEAR NO AUTOGRAPH HOUND: While I can't speak for every autograph collector, I suspect that many people ask for autographs because it provides them an opening to speak to someone whose work they admire or whom they think is attractive. And most celebrities -- although not all -- enjoy having that kind of contact with their fans.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Kevin" for two years. I love him very much. But when we are at home together I have to beg to make him hug or kiss me.
I know he loves me; he just doesn't like affection. In the past, girlfriends have broken up with him over this. Abby, I need more physical contact! Is this normal, or is there something wrong? -- CRAVING IN DENVER
DEAR CRAVING: It's not normal. While some men are more affectionate than others, you should not have to "beg" for affection. Eventually Kevin's behavior will make you begin to question your attractiveness.
Please understand that you cannot change another person. If this is how you want to live the rest of your life, keep seeing Kevin. If not, take a clue from his former girlfriends and find someone who can give you the affection you crave.
DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is spoiled, immature, disrespectful to her parents and has done nothing productive in her life. I have spent time with this person because I had to; however, I do not love her. The fact is, I don't even like her.
My question is, what would I say to someone who asks me if I love that relative? What can I say that is not hurtful -- but not lie either? -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: Frankly, I find it odd and somewhat intrusive that someone would ask you that question. However, if you are confronted, be honest (up to a point) and say that although you are related, you are not close. Then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Livonia, Mich., Reader" (April 27) was ALMOST correct. Please allow me to clarify.
Every law school graduate is awarded a J.D. (Juris Doctor) regardless of his/her performance on the bar exam. However, only graduates who PASS the bar exam can be called Esquire (Esq.) Simply put, J.D. is the degree; Esq. is the qualification to practice law. -- FORMER LEGAL SECRETARY
DEAR FORMER LEGAL SECRETARY: I had relied on my dictionary for the answer to that question. Thank you for educating me -- to a "degree."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)