Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced woman who raised three kids on my own for 15 years. I would now like to make a major change in my life and move to a small town in a Southern state. My kids are grown except for my youngest, who will graduate from high school this summer and probably attend college.
My parents, who don't even live in this town, are opposed to the idea. They say I am "abandoning my children," and my siblings are asking how I can move so far away from my elderly parents, which makes me feel guilty.
Am I wrong for wanting a new life of my own? My loved ones can always come to visit me. Do I owe it to my parents to stay here?
I can no longer afford to live where I am here in San Diego, but if I move to a less expensive community, I suppose I could afford a small home. -- RESTLESS
DEAR RESTLESS: Having raised your children to the point that they are independent, you are entitled to live wherever you wish. However, before making any hard-and-fast decisions, please answer some honest questions:
What will you do if your parents become too ill or frail to travel? Once your children marry and your grandchildren start arriving, how involved do you want to be in their lives?
If you will have enough money to travel for visits when you wish, then go with a clear conscience. If not, consider moving to a smaller, less expensive community not so far away from the family.
P.S. A final question: If something should happen to you, would you want your family to be closer?
DEAR ABBY: I have had this friend, "Dina," for about five years. It took me a while to notice, but now I realize she calls me only when she needs something -- a shoulder to cry on, a favor or, more recently, someone to brag to about her "good fortune."
Dina's "fiance" (I'll call him "Ethan") has finally divorced his wife to be with her. He has physically and emotionally abused Dina in the past, and continues to use drugs. I have loaned her money and helped her out in more ways than I can count.
Ethan recently got a big settlement, so Dina had $10,000 worth of plastic surgery done and took a trip to the Caribbean. But she has never once offered to repay me what she owes. She has also never been to my new house, not even for the housewarming. She says I live "too far," although it's only 20 minutes from her place.
Dina's wedding is scheduled soon. I don't want to attend because I think Ethan is an abuser -- and besides, it's "too far." She keeps calling, and I just let the machine pick up. I don't want to invest any more in this friendship, but I don't know what to do. Advice, please. -- MS. L. IN SEATTLE
DEAR MS. L: Tell Dina that it's time to repay the money you loaned her. After that, I predict your problem will be solved.
DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are celebrating this Memorial Day, I would like to add my prayer of thanks to the men and women of our armed services who laid down their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace.
Husband Holds Hostage Wife's Diary of Teenage Memories
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Robby," and I are having an argument about my teenage diary. About seven years ago, I discovered that Robby had been keeping a lot of photos and letters from his exes in boxes. I wanted him to throw them out and have continued to press the subject. His excuse has been that he "doesn't have time."
Last week when I brought it up, Robby went into our bedroom, took out my old diary and said it was the same thing as the box of letters. He insisted I should throw it out because it contains entries about exes and sexual experiences. I don't think it's the same thing. Robby took it anyway.
I am heartsick that I no longer have my diary. I don't know how to make Robby understand that the book is a part of me. I don't keep it to read about my exes. I keep it for the information about family members, friends and the thoughts I recorded as a teenager. Abby, I kept that diary from my freshman year of high school until the first weeks I started dating Robby.
What can I do? -- SENTIMENTAL IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR SENTIMENTAL: The first thing to do is recognize that your husband has a valid point. Next, offer to declare a truce on the subject of mementos of times gone by. Then ask him to return your diary.
P.S. If Robby has already disposed of it, then his photos and letters should go, too. However, I have a hunch he is still holding onto it and is trying to teach you a lesson in fairness.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do when someone is just plain rude? I'm talking about someone who cuts in front of you in line, or someone who says something nasty about you, not knowing that his voice carried to you? -- ADVOCATE FOR KINDNESS
DEAR KINDNESS ADVOCATE: When someone cuts in front of you in line, you have two choices: passively accept the situation, or speak up and tell the person firmly, but politely, that you were there first, and the line starts in the rear.
If someone says something nasty about you within earshot, you have two choices: ignore the boor, or say, "I heard that!" I recommend the former.
DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, while we were sitting in church, my partner, "Roy," began chatting with someone seated next to him. At one point, the person reached out and patted the top of Roy's thigh. Later, Roy and I discussed whether this gesture could be considered flirting -- or was it like a pat on the back.
A few days ago, I was shocked to see my own mother do the same thing to a married male friend. Is this an appropriate gesture, or does it depend on the level of friendship or location on the thigh? -- TAKEN ABACK IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Some people are "touchers" and mean nothing more by it than establishing contact when they reach out. Others are lechers. Much depends upon who is doing the touching, and who is doing the interpreting.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ROOMMATES DISAGREE OVER WHO SHOULD CLEAN UP WHOSE CLUTTER
DEAR ABBY: Please settle a dispute I am having with my roommates. The four of us "girls" have separate bedrooms, and mine is messy. I admit it is covered with clothes and papers. But there is never food, food wrappers or anything lying around that could attract "unwanted guests."
My roommates are always after me to clean my room, but I feel I shouldn't have to. I'm an adult. I work 20 to 30 hours a week, and my major requires that I have class for another 30 hours. On top of that I have homework, and I try to have a social life. I keep my door closed so my roommates and their guests won't see the mess.
Now, here's the zinger: I am the only one who keeps the rest of the house clean. I am the one who does the dishes, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, vacuums, etc. I have to beg my roommates to do anything, and many nights I come home to three stacks of dirty dishes and two bags of trash.
I don't expect you to say it's OK to have a cluttered room, but what do you think about people who barely lift a finger to help around the house telling me what to do in my room? -- THE MESSY ONE, HINESVILLE, GA.
DEAR MESSY ONE: Talk about a case of the pot calling the kettle black! Frankly, it seems rather selfish for your roommates to keep their private spaces neat as a pin while ignoring the need to contribute to the upkeep of the common areas.
The time has come to hold a "roomies" meeting and offer "the girls" a proposition. You will find the time to straighten your room when they agree to post and abide by a "chores chart" so you no longer have to play Cinderella.
DEAR ABBY: My darling grandmother, a selfless pillar in our community, died just over three weeks ago. Her death hit me extremely hard, but I was lucky enough to see her one last time before she fell into a coma.
In my kitchen is an amaryllis plant that my husband received as a gift more than 10 years ago. It hasn't bloomed in the last seven years, but we kept it going because the fronds are so pretty. In fact, I liked it so much I bought one for my grandmother as a Christmas gift a few years ago.
Well, after seven years of being dormant, my beautiful amaryllis began blooming on the day of Grandma's funeral. This amazing, stately flower stands tall and reminds us of her. There is no reason why this plant should flower now. I haven't fed it in ages, it gets watered only when I can remember to do it, and I have never "conditioned" it to bloom out of season. I think it's Grandma telling me she loves me even though she is gone. -- JENNIFER IN LINCOLN, MONT.
DEAR JENNIFER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your grandmother. She may be sending you a message of love, reminding you that in death people of faith enjoy a new beginning, or telling you that you should not grieve for her, because wherever she is, she, too, is "blooming."
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)