For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Perfect Dress for Groom's Mom Fails to Get Bride's Approval
DEAR ABBY: I have recently gotten to know a lovely lady I'll call "Judith," whose son is being married in August. During a recent trip to Florida, Judith mentioned that she was looking for a dress to wear to the wedding and asked where she might find something nice. The next day, the woman she had spoken to arrived with a beautiful gown she had worn only once. The dress is lovely and of excellent quality. It fits and looks perfect on Judith.
After showing the dress to her future daughter-in-law, Judith received an e-mail from the young woman stating that the dress will "clash" with her ivory wedding dress and might look "dirty" next to it. (The dress is a light metallic gold.) She also told Judith that the purse was too gaudy.
Is it the bride's place to tell the mother of the groom what to wear? -- FRIEND OF JUDITH'S
DEAR FRIEND: Tell her? No. But to discuss her concerns with her future mother-in-law would have been acceptable. The bride-to-be's method of conveying her concerns to Judith was unfortunate. They both would have been better served had she picked up the phone and called.
DEAR ABBY: How do you politely and firmly discourage overzealous religious solicitors who go door-to-door? My mother's co-worker and her husband have been coming to our house for some time, but now that Mom has retired, they have increased the frequency of their "visits."
Every time they show up at our door, Mom and I tell them, "No, we're not interested," but they don't seem to understand the meaning of those words. They still keep coming, and when we're not home, they leave literature on our doorstep. It's becoming irritating, and we're losing our patience. This couple has been "visiting" us for at least five years. Any ideas? -- HOUNDED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR HOUNDED: What took you so long to write? The next time they show up, greet them with a smile and tell them, "Thank you, but I have already been saved." Then firmly close the door. If you find "literature" on your doorstep, toss it.
This question has arisen before. Years ago, a helpful reader wrote that a "courteous young man" had ignored the "No Solicitors" sign that was posted. When he offered her some religious literature, she responded, "You may give it to me only if you take some of MY literature for YOU to read," and handed him the Catholic Digest. The young man not only left in a hurry, but didn't accept the literature or leave any of his.
DEAR ABBY: My wife had a wheelbarrow with a steel wheel that had a tendency to sink into the ground when she was pushing a heavy load, making it difficult for her.
I recently won a large sum of money in a lottery, and to show my love and appreciation, I bought her a wheelbarrow with an inflatable rubber tire so it would be easier for her to push a heavy load. My wife has not talked to me since. What did I do wrong? -- BIG WINNER IN THE USA
DEAR BIG WINNER: Congratulations on your good fortune. What you "did" isn't the problem. What you DIDN'T do is what has upset your wife. You didn't ask her what she would LIKE to have. Do it now, and I predict she'll not only start talking, but you'll have trouble getting her to stop.
Girlfriend Fears Her Love May Fade With Man's Thinning Hair
DEAR ABBY: I am not sure how to handle my boyfriend's hair loss. "Jasper" is 34 and I'm 23. We have been dating for two years and have a wonderful relationship. We are completely open to each other, and because of that, I feel backed into a corner regarding this subject.
Hair loss is such a tricky topic. Women aren't supposed to care, but in reality we do -- unless you're one of those rare women who enjoy bald heads. (I'm not one of them.) Although Jasper's hair loss is barely noticeable now, without some sort of plan it will probably take over in a few years.
Jasper is self-conscious about his thinning hair. I can tell he's worried, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. I care more about Jasper's feelings than his hair, so I haven't let him know how much it bothers me, although he asks me often.
His type of hair loss is treatable. I find him very attractive now, but I don't know how I will feel when he's bald, and I'm sort of cringing inside about it. I feel like a daily ritual would not be too much to ask of someone.
I'm fed up with hearing, "If you love him, let him be" because my attraction to him is an important part of our lives. What should I do? -- TIRED OF SITTING ON MY HANDS
DEAR TIRED: Most women are not so fixated on "what's on top" that they fail to value what's underneath. While some hair loss is treatable with a "daily ritual," some is not. The kind that isn't can be successfully treated with a hair transplant -- if the candidate is eligible, and if it is done by a talented, qualified surgeon.
Whether Jasper is willing to endure the discomfort or the inconvenience is anyone's guess. In fact, he might prefer to find a woman who is less hung up on hair than you. Frankly, I'm betting he wouldn't have to look too "fur."
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I am a 24-year-old daughter who works with my father in a small company. We weren't close until I reached college age. Since I have been working with him, we have grown much closer.
I love my parents dearly. However, Dad has an addictive personality. He has smoked, drunk and gambled in the past, but overcame these issues. Dad had an alcohol relapse a few years ago. Mama found him drunk. She hid it from my sister and me, but later told me in confidence. She said if he ever did it again, she might leave him.
Our business is having a rough time, and I found a stash of alcohol in Dad's office. I know it can be no one else's. I don't want to ruin his marriage, nor do I want to lie by omission to Mama. Should I confront him, or let it play out and pretend I didn't know?
I'd be devastated if they divorced. My sister is still in school. This is difficult since he's my dad AND my boss. Any direction would be greatly appreciated. -- DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS TOO MUCH
DEAR DAUGHTER: Tell your father you found his stash and urge him to get back into his program immediately. Give him a deadline to do it AND to tell your mother. If he doesn't, then you must. She has a right to know, and if you remain silent, you will only enable your father to continue drinking.
For your own emotional health, please do not allow yourself to be in the middle. I have mentioned Al-Anon so often I'm beginning to feel like an echo chamber. So allow me to mention another group that may be helpful. It's Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, a 12-step program for individuals with whom I guarantee you'll find much in common. Its Web site is www.adultchildren.org.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Everyday Kindness Is Secret of Marriages Full of Romance
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Kelly in Austin" (March 24), who wondered if there were more than two men who excel at romance.
Abby, my husband has given me a total of four pieces of jewelry throughout our 13-year relationship. However, he has given me many intangibles that mean far more.
I have a best friend I can talk to and trust. I have a lover who cares for me and my needs. I have a husband who believes in and abides by the vows we took on our wedding day. I have a provider who works hard to assure my financial stability, not just for today, but also for the future.
My children have a father who loves them and makes sure they know it through his words and actions. And I have a partner for life who does "romantic" things like changing diapers, rocking babies, washing dishes and holding my hand.
In generations past, men were expected to be strong, gentle and responsible. I thank God that my husband has chosen to be that kind of man. -- BELOVED
DEAR BELOVED: You are a lucky woman who married a real gem. A life partner with attributes like your husband's is a jewel more precious than any stone that nature could create. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 15 years, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him. We have a little piece of paper with I LOVE YOU written on it, and we take turns hiding it somewhere for each other to find. It shows up in my wallet, in the book I'm reading, in the laundry. It never fails to brighten my day, and it costs us not one cent.
He brings me coffee in the morning and a cup of tea at night. He'll surprise me with a candy bar or a cookie when I'm feeling down. Expensive jewelry isn't what makes a romance -- it's my darling taking a moment to let me know he's thinking of me. -- TINA IN CHINCOTEAGUE, VA.
DEAR ABBY: When my fiance and I first got together, he told me that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day. He claimed that he "did his thing" all year -- and it's true. He leaves cards in my book bag scented with his cologne and sings to me on my voicemail at work on dreary Monday mornings. He writes me poems and buys me spontaneous gifts. No jewelry commercials can compete with a gift from the heart. -- SWEPT OFF MY FEET IN MEMPHIS
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 10 years, and it hasn't been because of diamonds, flowers or trips to bed-and-breakfasts. We're happy because we laugh together, because we like each other, and because he was considerate enough to buy me a hands-free cell phone device to use while driving back and forth between our home and my father's. It's because he knows what scent of candle to buy me from a kid's fundraiser and because he thought I needed a new lunch box for work and got me one.
This is real life. Diamond commercials on the television are not. -- RITA IN DUBOIS, PA.
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married 45 years, and the most romantic gesture I ever saw took place about 10 years ago. One day, while she was digging in the garden, I saw my dad standing there, hovering over her with a can of wasp spray, ready to blast any potential threat into eternity if it got near Mom. Now that's better than a diamond any day. -- SAM IN PALATINE, ILL.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)