Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Voting With Your Feet Is One Way to End Political Argument
DEAR ABBY: I was taught that when you don't know a person's political affiliation, it is impolite to discuss politics, especially if it involves disparaging others (name-calling, putting down political candidates, etc.).
I am often approached by people seeking agreement with their views. They make insulting comments regarding the political views of others and then say, "Right?" This makes me terribly uncomfortable, so I often say nothing, which only further fuels them to continue their negative diatribes.
How do I stop these political assaults and let them know I find it rude without being rude myself? -- WANTS TO BE POLITE IN COLORADO
DEAR WANTS TO BE POLITE: There is nothing impolite about saying, "You know, this topic of conversation is making me uncomfortable. Can we please change it?" And if the person persists, it is also not impolite to excuse yourself because you have some previous business to attend to. And that's what I'm advising you to do, because to stand and listen implies agreement.
DEAR ABBY: As Mother's Day approaches, please remind your readers to appreciate and SPEND TIME with their mothers while they are on this Earth. This year, Mother's Day will mark exactly one year since my dear, sweet mother died in my home. She had been living in a nursing home for more than two years, suffering from dementia, but got pneumonia. I brought her to my home from the hospital for the last two weeks of her life.
I am left with so many "what ifs" and "I should haves," but I did the best I could with what I knew then. I saw so many patients in the nursing home who seldom -- if ever -- had any visitors, it made me sick.
I just want everyone to take time in their busy lives to devote to their parents while they are still here. I am grateful that God gave us those last two weeks with Mom. I feel she knew where she was, and it brought all of us peace. There were too many times I was "too busy" with my family. Please just be there for your mom or dad. -- WISHING MOM WERE HERE, IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.
DEAR WISHING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. For you, Mother's Day will always carry with it a tinge of sadness. Please do not burden yourself further with "what ifs" and "should haves." Live in the moment. Regret is the cancer of life. When you visit the cemetery, you might find comfort in reciting the following prayer from the Hebrew Union Prayer Book:
"I remember thee in this solemn hour, my dear mother. I remember the days when thou didst dwell on earth, and thy tender love watched over me like a guardian angel. Thou hast gone from me, but the bond which unites our souls can never be severed; thine image lives within my heart. May the merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou hast ever shown me; may he lift up the light of his countenance upon thee and grant thee eternal peace! Amen."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are wondering if you could settle an etiquette question. We don't want our neighbors to hate us, so on Saturdays or Sundays, how early can we start using heavy lawn care equipment, like chain saws and wood chippers? -- SLEEPING IN FROM CALIFORNIA
DEAR SLEEPING IN: You're asking the wrong person. Ask your neighbors and see if you can arrange a time that is agreeable to all of you. But first check to see what the local noise ordinance dictates.
Gold Digger's Greed Is Obvious to All but Her Wealthy Fiance
DEAR ABBY: A man I know is engaged to a woman 20 years younger. I think she's a gold digger, and here's why: She waved his credit card around after he gave it to her saying, "Look what I've got!" (He was not present.)
After he bought her a million-dollar house, she told her kids that they have to "act rich" now, and after he bought her a new car, she drove it -- slowly -- around her ex-husband's neighborhood so everyone could see it. She was unfaithful to her ex several times with wealthy men, and has told her friends that if they want to meet men with money, they should go to the expensive golf courses.
She complains to her kids about her fiance behind his back, but tells them they need to "treat him nice" and "act happy" around him because he has given them lots of money. And as soon as she got her diamond ring, her kids started telling people that she gets all his money when he dies.
I have seen a list of warning signs of an abuser in your column. Do you have one for spotting a gold digger? -- SEES RED FLAGS IN UTAH
DEAR SEES RED: Webster's New World Dictionary defines "gold digger" as "a woman who in her personal relations with men tries to get money and gifts from them." I feel sorry for that woman's fiance because sooner or later he is going to find out how off-kilter her values are.
While I haven't printed a list of red flags for a gold digger (aka manipulator), some phrases to watch out for are, "If you really loved me, you'd ( )" or, "Prove you love me by giving me ( )."
One more thing: Gold diggers are never satisfied. They are bottomless pits that can never be filled. Regardless how many material things they are given, they want more.
DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old daughter, "Nola," is pregnant. My husband and I are, to say the least, very disappointed in her. We do not believe in abortion, so we're going to have Nola home-schooled until the baby is born, and then it will be given up for adoption.
What I need is advice on how to deal with this with our 10-year-old daughter. There is no way the pregnancy can be hidden from her, especially since the girls share a room. Our youngest daughter knows the basic facts of life, but does not fully understand that girls who are not married sometimes get pregnant and have babies.
I obviously do not want the same thing to happen to her, so I want her to understand that this is very wrong, but want to do so without demonizing her sister, whom she loves and looks up to. -- WORRIED OUT WEST
DEAR WORRIED: Your younger daughter will learn a great deal as Nola's pregnancy progresses. She will see your disappointment, hear your disapproval of sex outside of marriage -- not to mention how irresponsible Nola and the father of the baby were for not using birth control -- and witness firsthand the pain Nola experiences at placing her child with another family. And if that's not a sobering object lesson, nothing will be.
So worry less, and spend more time letting both of your daughters know you love them unconditionally.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column most of my adult life, but I don't ever remember seeing any letters from people who are just afraid of life.
The world today is such a scary place. I have a small child who will have to grow up in this world, and sometimes the thought terrifies me. I hear about school shootings, dangerous gangs, religious leaders who are sex offenders, and I recently watched a report of six teenage girls beating another and videotaping it to post online.
How can parents feel safe raising our kids in a world this crazy and scary? I am trying to look for the positive in life, but, honestly, it gets harder and harder. -- MISSING THE OLD DAYS IN ARIZONA CITY
DEAR MISSING THE OLD DAYS: I agree, bad things do sometimes happen to good people. However, you can't live your life as though the Hammer of Thor is about to strike you down, and if you maintain your fearful attitude, you could pass it along to your child.
While I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to you or anyone else, please allow me to remind you that the news media earn their income from magnifying the tragic, the scary and anything that deviates from the norm -- whether it be a murder, a car wreck or a five-legged cow.
The time has come for you to turn off your television set, tune out talk radio, and take your child to a park, a playground, a zoo or any family outing. It's a sure way to detoxify yourself from the negativity that has poisoned your outlook. Do it for two weeks, and I can almost guarantee you'll feel better than you do today.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I eat at a self-serve restaurant several times a week. We have gotten to know the owners, the employees and several other regulars we enjoy visiting with. We also enjoy having time alone to sit and chat by ourselves.
A cousin of my husband's has discovered that we frequent this restaurant every Saturday night. He shows up and sits right down at our table, even if we are with other people. We want to let him know this can't continue, but we don't want to be rude -- although we feel he is being rude to us. How can we put an end to this? -- INVADED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR INVADED: I have two suggestions. The first is to summon the courage to tell this cousin that you go to that restaurant to relax, be alone together, and sometimes visit privately with people you have met there -- and that his sitting down without being invited is making you uncomfortable.
The second is to choose some other restaurants to visit on alternate Saturday nights, so you won't be sitting ducks whenever your husband's cousin is in the mood for company.
DEAR ABBY: Two friends of mine are being married. Their wedding will be a potluck. I have never heard of such a thing, and I'm wondering if this means I shouldn't bring a gift.
On top of bringing food, they have also assigned people to various tasks, such as setting up the hall, doing dishes, serving the cake and such. What does a wedding guest do in a situation like this? -- NOT SURE IF I DO
DEAR NOT SURE: It appears this affair is one in which an unusual amount of effort is expected of the "guests." Unless you are prepared to participate fully -- and that includes giving them a small wedding gift -- stay home and watch a rerun of "Father of the Bride."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)