What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Married to a Cheater Finds Right Ring for Divorce
DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old woman with two daughters, ages 20 and 23. I married my high school sweetheart, "Cooper." I had heard rumors that Cooper had strayed from time to time, but had no evidence to back it up, and, of course, he denied it.
I went by my husband's office one day to surprise him, and his new secretary informed me that Cooper had just taken his wife to lunch at a local bistro! I went right over there and found them whispering, kissing and feeding each other. I did not make a scene. When Cooper arrived home that evening, I confronted him. He tried to deny it. I called him a liar and he slapped me! (A first.) He moved out that night, and I filed for divorce.
I pawned my wedding band and engagement ring. The clerk asked if I was going to buy a divorce ring. I had never heard of one. I searched online, found a nice one, ordered it and wear it proudly.
Cooper and his parents are livid! They say I am poking fun at him and accuse me of "promoting divorce." My friends and oldest daughter think it's cool. Some of my divorced friends have ordered rings, too. The ring is different in design, beautiful, makes me feel good and shows my independence. Should I feel guilty for wearing an identity ring like this? -- DIVORCING AND LOVING IT IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DIVORCING AND LOVING IT: No, you should not. The next time Cooper and his parents accuse you of "promoting divorce," remind them that it was Cooper who promoted divorce by openly cheating on you. If the ring brings you pleasure -- and comfort -- then enjoy it.
However, please be aware that many people will not understand its significance -- and if you wear it on the third finger of your left hand, they may think you are still married and unavailable.
DEAR ABBY: I need your help. I am happily married to a wonderful man but recently became attracted to a co-worker. The man is completely not my type and I would never act on these feelings, but it's starting to distract me at work. I think he feels the same way, but would never approach me because he knows I am married and ethical.
I have thought about leaving my job, but I am very successful here. Walking away would be a bad career move for me and put a financial damper on my family. As long as I don't act on my feelings -- or even discuss them -- is it morally wrong to continue working here? I know it's normal to be attracted to other people, but I have never felt THIS attracted to anyone other than my husband before. This is making me feel extremely guilty, but I can't help my feelings. What should I do? -- UNSURE IN SYRACUSE
DEAR UNSURE: The time has come to have a truth session -- with yourself. If you are attracted to your co-worker to the point that it is "distracting," could you be sending him signals that you are available?
If that's the case, it might be better for your marriage -- and your career -- to explore openings elsewhere. If it's not, then please understand that marriage is not a prophylactic against becoming attracted to others. However, responsible adults don't take the bait, and that should include you. Nothing in life is free, and this could cost you your future.
SISTERS SHARING ROOM MUST STOP PLAYING THE BLAME GAME
DEAR ABBY: My parents recently divorced. My sister and I live with our mother. Mom and Dad had to sell our three-bedroom home in the divorce settlement. Even though Dad pays child support, money is tight and Mom can only afford a two-bedroom apartment. This means my sister and I have to share a room after always having our own rooms.
My sister and I have never gotten along well. When we had our own rooms we could just keep away from each other, so we didn't fight that much. However, now that we're in the same room, we can't avoid each other and we constantly argue. It looks to me like she is most of the problem. She always has to have her way and won't compromise. She insists that I'm the problem.
Because we will be sharing a room for the foreseeable future whether we like it or not, can you suggest a way we can live together peacefully in the same room? -- OREGON SIS
DEAR SIS: It's time you and your sister stopped blaming each other and realized that when objects rub together it creates friction. If you are going to successfully coexist, you will have to recognize and respect each other's space -- regardless of how limited it is. If necessary, divide the room in such a way that you can each have some privacy when you need it. The arrangement may not be pretty, but it could help your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I work as a cashier in a small grocery store. Many of our regular customers are elderly and live on fixed incomes. Occasionally, I will help customers out to their cars with their groceries, and when I do I am often offered a tip.
My co-workers say it is rude to refuse a tip when someone offers one. I feel what I am doing is part of my job, and I am already compensated for it. Would it be rude to say, "No thank you?" -- CURIOUS CASHIER, KINGSTON, TENN.
DEAR CURIOUS: It is not "rude" to refuse a tip if you do it with a smile, say that you were glad to help the person, and explain -- as you did in your letter -- that you feel what you did is part of your job and you are already compensated for it. (It is also not rude to ask that person to mention it to your boss. With your exemplary attitude you should make assistant manager in no time.)
DEAR ABBY: Our friend, "Marie," a cook at a local restaurant, thinks nothing of eating off our plates. Not only does she eat from our plates when we dine in the establishment she works in, but also if we go out to another restaurant together. We have asked her to stop. Please help! -- PICKED OVER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR PICKED OVER: Because your friend seems unable to respect the boundaries you're trying to set, it's time to become proactive. The next time you're eating in Marie's presence, offer her a taste. Then put a small portion on your butter plate or saucer -- and HAND it to her.
TO MY JEWISH READERS: It's time to hide the matzoh -- Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Sister Burdened With Debt Has Only Herself to Blame
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Ellie," and her husband, "Bill," have three lovely little girls. Both have good jobs and live in a pleasant neighborhood. However, neither one ever learned any life skills. Both worked and lived rent-free with their parents until they met and married in their late 20s. Consequently, they are up to their necks in credit card debt because of their need for instant gratification.
For the past year Ellie has called me almost daily, crying, asking for money "for the sake of the children." I have given them what we can spare, but I have three sons in college, and my husband may be facing a medical retirement, which would leave me the sole wage-earner.
I have told Ellie repeatedly that she and Bill must learn to budget and pay their bills, and advised them to seek professional debt and marriage counseling, neither of which they have done.
Several months ago, Ellie called to ask if the family could move in with us until they got on their feet. My husband refused, telling her that without counseling their habits were not going to change, and we could not afford to support them short of a true emergency.
Ellie was furious. She joined a "swingers" club and began a series of love affairs. Ellie says her affairs are "the only comfort" she has now that I have failed to "rescue" her in her "hour of need."
I'm upset that I have made the girls' situation worse by refusing to provide for their parents. However, my husband is adamant that two working people should learn to manage their own lives. Am I injuring my nieces by refusing to rescue their parents? -- NON-ENABLER, OAK RIDGE, TENN.
DEAR NON-ENABLER: Your sister has made it your responsibility because she joined a swingers club, and you're accepting it? Wake up! You haven't made their situation worse, SHE has. Ellie is not only irresponsible, but also immature. Do not be bamboozled.
You are carrying a heavy enough load as it is. If you step in and try to rescue Ellie, you'll wind up carrying her until the stress makes you sick. The only person who can get her out of the mess she has created is herself.
DEAR ABBY: Early in our marriage -- the second for both of us -- my husband suggested having my portrait painted in the nude. We found an artist we were comfortable with, and the painting turned out so beautiful, we decided to have my husband pose nude, too.
We keep these paintings in our bedroom and have never allowed anyone else to see them. We plan to cherish them for many years, but now realize we will need to make arrangements for their safekeeping after we're gone. They are tastefully positioned, beautifully framed and quite large. We do not want our children left with the task of finding a home for our "artwork."
How do we go about finding a gallery that will display them? -- PICTURE-PERFECT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PICTURE-PERFECT: Start calling the museums and art galleries in your area. Your success may depend upon the level of recognition the artist who painted your portraits has achieved. If that doesn't work, then contact the clothing-optional resorts in your area and ask if they would like to hang them in their clubhouse.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)