Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Feels Invisible When Dining Out With Husband
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who told you her pet peeve was that when she and her friends went to restaurants, they were addressed as "you guys" by the servers.
Now let me share my pet peeve: What really frosts me is the way some waiters address only my husband. They greet only him when we arrive, and thank only him when we leave. Apparently I am invisible! If they don't value my business, why should I give it to them? -- LORRAINE IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.
DEAR LORRAINE: No law says you must. The servers you describe must be using an outdated etiquette book. Their behavior harkens back to the days when males were presumed to be sole providers, expected to pay the tab, and often placed the food order for their companions so the fragile little things wouldn't have to bother speaking to the person taking the order. (In some establishments, women were handed separate menus with no prices listed because the very mention of money was vulgar.)
Because you rightly feel that you have been treated rudely, have a word with the manager of the restaurant and explain that you won't be eating there again because you were not made to feel welcome. Then take your business elsewhere.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I was assisting with a local talent show and received a handwritten note from a parent expressing how much her child enjoyed being in the show and that she appreciated my efforts. It was unexpected and brightened my day.
I decided I would try to find someone to thank whenever possible, and have since mailed many little notes. I wrote to thank my daughter's bus driver for being kind, prompt and safe all year. I contacted a store manager to compliment him on a cashier who was exceptionally helpful and cheerful.
I hear so many people complain, sometimes misdirecting their anger at whoever is in their path. Impatient drivers sound their horns relentlessly. Neighbors threaten to sue each other. Enough, already! The power of a thank-you note goes beyond good manners. It's a great pick-me-up to receive a little thank-you now and then. -- GRATEFUL NOTE WRITER, BRECKSVILLE, OHIO
DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for writing. It's interesting that what started you penning thank-you notes was receiving one. Most people cultivate this social skill because they were taught to do so by a parent.
Thank-you notes do not need to be long or fancy, and should reflect one's spontaneous reaction for someone making an effort on your behalf -- giving exceptional service, entertaining you or treating you to a meal, or upon receipt of a gift. It can be simple: "The dinner was delightful, the company even more so. Thank you for including me." Or: "The gift is beautiful. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of your thoughtfulness and generosity. Thank you!" A sentence or two can be more eloquent than a paragraph.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Patti" always brags to me about how many guys try to talk to her. When she tells me, sometimes I change the subject and act as if I don't hear her -- mainly because I'm not in a relationship right now, and I can't possibly be happy for her when things are so bad for me. Am I being a bad friend? -- FEELING GUILTY IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Because you're not getting the kind of attention you crave at the moment shouldn't mean you're not happy for Patti. But for her to gloat about her embarrassment of riches while you're starving for attention is immature and not very nice, either. From where I sit, neither one of you is being a particularly supportive friend to the other.
Co Workers' Endless Chatter Drives Impatient Listener Mad
DEAR ABBY: My problem is, I have lost the art of listening. When someone takes too long to get to the point, or includes irrelevant details, I completely lose patience. I work in a medical office with the same small group of women every day, and I like my job. However, I find myself trying to keep "extra busy" to avoid the boring, mundane chatter about things I don't care about.
Am I becoming an anti-social snob, or is there a way to participate in a conversation while resisting the temptation to roll my eyes and hurry someone along with my hands? I am not particularly chatty, and I don't divulge many details of my personal life -- so is it wrong to no longer care about the details of everyone else's? -- VERBALLY OVERLOADED
DEAR VERBALLY OVERLOADED: We usually get what we give in life. If you would like to receive empathy from those around you (should the need arise), then my advice is to be prepared to show some. Because you don't have time to listen to long stories, it's acceptable in an office setting to say that you are busy and have a limited amount of time to chat. In other words, if you're "verbally overloaded" -- verbalize.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had our first child, a beautiful baby girl, nine months ago. We chose a name for our daughter while I was pregnant, but my in-laws refuse to use her first name. They insist on calling her a diminutive of her middle name. Now the whole family is doing it.
At first they claimed that some distant cousin (whom we have never met) had the same name. Now they say, "We don't like her first name, so we're going to call her ( )."
How can we convince them to call her by her given name? -- NEW MOM IN AUSTIN
DEAR NEW MOM: Your in-laws' behavior is rude and disrespectful. Tell them that unless they're prepared for their grandchild to call them "UNCLE Charles and AUNT Martha," they should get used to calling your daughter by the name you chose for her. If they refuse, limit their time with her until she's old enough to understand who she is so they won't confuse her.
DEAR ABBY: I'm "Troubled in North Carolina," whose letter you published on Feb. 23. Thank you for printing it. You will be happy to know that after the length of time you suggested, I did contact "Bethany." You nailed it. She did, in fact, go back to her ex-boyfriend. I'm OK with it, but what is disappointing is, she broke up with me by e-mail. I guess she didn't have the courage to face me.
After I wrote to you, I decided I wouldn't sit around and wait like a "sad puppy." I've been on a few dates and have met a lot of great women, but haven't settled yet. That's the thing: I'm not going to "settle."
There are so many times when "we men" can't open up and share how we feel. Thank you for being someone that "we" can talk to (even if it isn't really a conversation.) -- NO LONGER TROUBLED IN JACKSONVILLE, N.C.
DEAR NO LONGER TROUBLED: You're welcome. I'm pleased I could be a sounding board for you. I'm also pleased you jumped right back into the dating pool. Although Bethany may have had many admirable qualities, the fact that she took the easy way out and ended the relationship by e-mail rather than facing you is a clue to her character. You deserve better, and you shouldn't settle for less.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Misses Ex's Friendship After Years of Breaking Up
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have remained friends and lovers for the past 37 years. We maintained a relationship that included shared vacations and socializing together. We even talked of living in a retirement home together one day.
Three months ago, he stopped communicating with me. A month later, he sent me a greeting card telling me to "remember our good times always."
My heart has not mended. I cry continuously. I have not contacted him, but I know I deserve more than this because of the nature of our relationship. Abby, how do I handle these emotions, my future, and the social and family events that will be coming up? -- GRIEVING IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR GRIEVING: Under the circumstances, your feelings -- and your tears -- are normal. You are grieving for your lost husband. This is a process you should have gone through 37 years ago, when the marriage ended. But because you continued behaving as husband and wife, the strings remained tied.
It would be healthier for you if you had some closure. By that I mean if he had explained why he was ceasing communication. After all this time you deserve some answers -- even if they're painful to hear.
You may need professional counseling to handle your emotions. As to the social and family events that are scheduled, ask a friend to accompany you. Your future will take care of itself.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s, single, and have bought a house. There is no man in my future. My parents helped me by giving me the down payment. They expect me to pay them back plus interest.
My parents paid for both my sisters' weddings and also helped with the expense for my brother's wedding. Since they didn't have to pay for a wedding for me, I think the down payment should be considered "wedding money," and I should not be required to pay it back. What is your opinion? -- JILTED DOWN SOUTH
DEAR JILTED: What bothers me about your letter is the sense of entitlement it conveys. I assume that at the time your parents loaned you the money, you agreed to the terms. If that's the case, then you should abide by them. You are fortunate your parents were willing (and able) to help you. Residential loans are not easy to get right now.
DEAR ABBY: I always find the letters you print about "pennies from heaven" intriguing. I lost a dear friend to a serious illness a few years ago. I was at work the day after her death, and we were having a severe, unseasonable thunderstorm. I had to wait until it was over to get to my car.
As I approached my car, I noticed a shiny penny -- not on the ground, but on the back of my windshield! The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I immediately thought of my friend Lisa. She must have known that I had been berating myself for not having been there for her while she was at her sickest point. In my heart, I feel that the penny was Lisa's way of telling me she forgave me for not being a better friend. -- WISH I HAD A SECOND CHANCE
DEAR WISH: Regret is the cancer of life. Rather than looking backward, resolve to do better in the future. We find forgiveness where we look for it -- and if finding the penny was a comfort to you, then it has served its purpose.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)