TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas one and all!
Teacher's Lessons Inspire Thanks From Former Student
DEAR ABBY: Please print this for teachers everywhere:
Dear Miss Regan: Wherever you are now, I hope you can read this. I was that curly-haired kid in your third- and fourth-grade class in Brooklyn many years ago. I remember your love of animals and books. At the end of each school day you used to read the Dr. Doolittle stories to us. In my home there was almost no reading, but because of your influence, I went to the library, checked out the Dr. Doolittle books and read them cover-to-cover.
I remember how, when kids misbehaved, you held mock trials in which student volunteers played the part of the judge, the lawyers, the jurors, etc. Because of it, I gained a deep respect for law and order not only in the classroom but also in the outside world.
You made us draw maps of New York City over and over. I appreciated knowing the geography of the city so well. And you taught the boys as well as the girls how to crochet. I never used that skill, but it was nice to have been exposed to it.
Now that I am a teacher, I often wonder if I make a difference in my students' lives. But when I do, I think back to your class and am reminded that, yes, the children do walk away with lifelong gifts. Thank you for all you did for me. -- HOWARD IN BRIDGEWATER, N.J.
DEAR HOWARD: I am pleased to print your letter. I am often asked for gift suggestions for teachers. Your message illustrates that one of the most meaningful gifts a teacher can receive is a letter from a former student, recalling a memory or life lesson learned in his or her classroom. These letters are more precious than anything money could buy because the most meaningful thing we have in life is knowing that during the time we spent on this Earth we were able to make a difference.
DEAR ABBY: I attend a number of women's events, and a pet peeve of mine is when one or more of the women immediately pull out pictures of their grandchildren, their children's weddings or their pets and proceed to show them to everyone.
I know these women are proud, but they should realize that not everyone wants to look at these photos. There are times when I itch to say something, but I'm afraid they would reply with something like, "Oh, you're just jealous because you don't have grandchildren."
One woman dominated the entire conversation at one luncheon. No one knew her daughter and son-in-law or their relatives, and I imagine they were looking at the pictures just to be polite, as was I. I resented her standing behind me while delivering her lengthy description of each one to the person sitting next to me.
What should I do when I find myself in this situation again -- as I know I will? -- BORED BY THE PICTURES, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR BORED: It would not be rude to suddenly have an "urgent call of nature" and excuse yourself to go to the restroom. I'll bet if you do, others at the table will join you. And should you see a friend on the way back, it also isn't rude to stop and chat for a moment. When you get back to the table, raise another topic of conversation.
Same Sex Marriage Introduces Unique Question of Etiquette
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. With same-sex marriage becoming more commonplace, how should I address a letter to a same-sex couple?
Example: Now that Ellen DeGeneres has married Portia de Rossi, would I write to "Mrs. and Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres"? "The Ellen DeGeneres Family"? or "Ellen and Portia DeGeneres"? None of the manners books that I have checked has been able to provide an answer, and I have not seen the issue in print. What do you think? -- STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW: Because this topic is so new, there isn't one hard-and-fast answer to your question. Some couples keep or change their individual names, some join their names together with a hyphen, others select a name together and adopt it.
If you have a question about how a particular couple would prefer their mail to be addressed, my advice is to ask them.
DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting with a relative recently, she informed me that my late husband, "John," who died several years ago, had been having an affair. I was so shocked, I did not respond.
John and I married young and experienced good times and bad, but we were happy together -- or so I thought. I live in a small town with many friends and relatives. Needless to say, my heart is broken. I don't know how to respond, or if I should. Why would someone be so hurtful? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your relative is either malicious or a thoughtless motormouth, and what she said may not be true. Respond by treating her as if she has a contagious disease, because in a sense she does. The disease she spreads is misery.
If YOU think you and John had a happy life together, then you did. If John may have lapsed once along the way, forgive him because, in the final analysis, you two made it to the finish line together. Many couples do not.
DEAR ABBY: After 30 years as an automotive transmission rebuilder, I retired. I am blessed with a loving wife, three grown kids, beautiful 10-year-old twin granddaughters, a sugar-sweet beagle, three ungrateful, sassy cats and two time-consuming hobbies. Sounds perfect, doesn't it?
The downside is that eight out of 10 nights, I dream about my previous job. I drift around in the clouds rebuilding transmissions, putting a spring here, a valve there. I'd rather be dreaming about more interesting things -- hunting, fishing and women -- not necessarily in that order.
Can you tell me how to redirect my dreams and enjoy my sleep? Do other tradesmen such as butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers relive their old trades in dreamland? -- ONCE A MECHANIC ... IN ARIZONA
DEAR ONCE A MECHANIC: Your letter shows you can take a mechanic out of the trade, but you can't necessarily take the trade out of the mechanic, butcher, baker, candlestick-maker -- or advice columnist, for that matter. If someone has performed a job long enough, it becomes part of him or her. Of one thing I am certain: The harder one tries NOT to dream about something, the more he or she will.
We cannot control our subconscious -- but we can redirect it. An hour before bedtime, try leafing through magazines about hunting and fishing, or photo albums with pictures of your granddaughters. This may guide your thoughts in a more desirable direction as you drift off to dreamland. And should you find yourself once more at your workbench after nodding off, try this: Tell yourself, "OK, it's time to change the channel." It has worked for me.
MAN WHO WAS DUMPED GETS BOTH SUPPORT AND SUSPICION
DEAR ABBY: I had trouble containing myself when I read the letter from "Mixed-Up in Missouri" (Sept. 21), the "nice guy" with a string of failed relationships because he is "too good to be true." Please let him know that he is truly a gem waiting to be discovered. He reminds me of my own "prince," whom I was finally able to find after a divorce, countless frogs, and 30 years of figuring out what I deserved.
Some women are scared of anything that is different, so when a man treats them well they question it to death. Believe me, I know. My husband and I married five weeks after we met because it just felt right. After 2 1/2 years of marriage, one son and another on the way, I have no regrets. My husband is the kind every woman should have. I would tell "Mixed-Up" that his time will come. Someone will cherish what he has to offer. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN TEXAS
DEAR HAPPILY: Thank you for sharing your hard-earned experience with my readers and me. I am pleased your marriage is working out, but I would not recommend that couples marry after knowing each other only five weeks. I advised "Mixed-Up" to widen his circle of acquaintances and fish in a different dating pool. Many readers wrote in to comment about his letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Mixed-Up in Missouri" said he treated his wife and girlfriends like queens. Perhaps he wasn't telling you everything. I married a man who treated me like a queen too -- until I did or said something he didn't like. You see, everything he did for me came with a price.
Yes, he did nice things for me, but he also expected me to reciprocate in specific ways that he never really explained. If I failed to do something the way he wanted, or with the "wrong" attitude, he would throw it in my face. He did not act out of kindness, but for what he could get in return. He never understood why I eventually quit trying to please him, and "got rid" of me after 14 years of marriage. It turned out to be the biggest favor he ever did for me. -- GLAD TO BE FREE IN INDIANA
DEAR ABBY: I dated many of these "too good to be true" guys. I cannot stress to you how boring it is to "reign supreme" in a relationship with someone who wants only to do what I want to do, go where I want to go, eat what I want to eat, etc. Even the flowers and gifts don't make up for it.
Women don't want gifts -- we want a man, a partner. In a real relationship I want to work as a team, experience new things and hear new perspectives. It's time for "Mixed-Up" to take a look at what he is actually bringing to the table -- or what he's not. -- TRACY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR ABBY: I have no desire to be elevated to the status of royalty. What I'm looking for is someone who shares some of my interests, respects my strengths and can help me improve upon my weaknesses -- someone who functions just as well on his own as I do.
"Mixed-Up" is young yet -- probably too young to have gotten married. He needs to start looking at women as partners and not pedestal perchers. I'm sure some women are swept away by his courtship technique initially, but after a while, pedestals become cold and lonely. Women who are damaged or bitter will be distrustful. And secure, well-adjusted women will simply not be interested. -- NOBODY'S QUEEN IN N.J.
DEAR ABBY: There's a saying about men who treat women like princesses. If you worship the ground she walks on, the ground she walks on will be YOU. -- NORM IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)