Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 9-month-old daughter, "Lyric," is the result of an affair. Her father, "James," has never seen her, except in photographs. His family has no idea she exists. When I send pictures, he promises to visit "soon" -- but I'm not supposed to ask when because he "just doesn't know right now."
I feel it's my fault Lyric is growing up without a father. My parents dote on her, and they are furious that James promised to make sure we were taken care of but hasn't followed through "for financial reasons."
I have never taken him to court for child support (James does send a little) because I'm afraid if I do, he'll never come to see Lyric. I worry about her future because my dad was estranged from us when we were little, and his absence influenced some of the worst choices I have made in my life.
Why would James promise to visit but never make the effort? Why continue the charade? I'm afraid my daughter will blame me for not having a dad when she's older.
I have considered taking her to see James unexpectedly (he and his wife are currently separated) so I can tell her I did everything in my power to get him involved. My parents say I should be happy I don't have to share her, and not to take her because he has broken so many promises to me.
I have been upset about this ever since Lyric was born, and my depression seems to be getting worse. The guilt and regret are eating me alive. Please help. -- DESPONDENT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DESPONDENT: James may not have been telling you the complete truth. He continues the charade because it keeps you frozen in a holding pattern. Do not be surprised to learn that he is not separated from his wife, which could be the reason he hasn't visited.
The first thing you should do is consult your doctor and discuss the depression you have experienced since your daughter's birth. It could be caused less by the guilty conscience than a postpartum hormone imbalance. If it's the latter, it's treatable. Once that's done, consult a lawyer to ensure that Lyric will be provided for financially.
Truthful people do what they say. Because James doesn't, stop listening to what he says and focus on what he does -- which is almost nothing. He may say he wants to see his daughter, but face the fact that Lyric may reach adulthood before he gets around to it. And please don't hold your breath waiting for James to stand up and act like a man, because frankly, he doesn't appear to be much of one.
DEAR ABBY: My wife accuses me of "acting pretentious" when we are dinner guests at a friend's house and I warm my plate in the microwave. What am I supposed to do when the food has gone cold or lukewarm, and I want my meal to be hot? -- SOME LIKE IT HOT, SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR SOME LIKE IT HOT: Your wife may be afraid that by taking your plate into the kitchen because the food is too cold for your tastes, you are insulting your hostess. But I am with you, because I like my food hot, too.
The way I would handle it would be to quietly ask the hostess if she minded me taking the food into the kitchen and "zapping it" for a minute or two. A good hostess wants her guests to be comfortable and will probably offer to do it for you.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, female, smart, responsible and friendly. I also have a terrible fear of driving. I have read driving manuals, but I'm scared to be in control of a big vehicle with so many other vehicles on the road.
I always found an excuse not to sign up for driver's ed in high school, and have refused countless offers from friends and family to teach me. My response was always, "No, I'm not ready."
All my younger relatives have driver's licenses, and I do feel I am missing out on things. How do I overcome this fear? Do I just say yes to my friends or family when they offer again? Please tell me what to do. -- NON-DRIVER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR NON-DRIVER: Having the fear of driving that you do, you should not get behind the wheel of a car until you have first consulted a professional counselor who specializes in helping people with phobias. My concern is that you might overreact out of fear and cause an accident.
Once you have mastered your fear, then who should teach you is up to you. However, I am recommending you learn from a professional driving instructor. It will be safer for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to have a relationship with my granddaughter, "Zoe," who is 10. My son refuses to have anything to do with her. He was 16 when he got his girlfriend pregnant. He is now 26 and married, with a 9-month-old child. His wife won't have any part of his little girl.
Should I step in and be a grandmother, even if my son and daughter-in-law may never talk to me again? Zoe doesn't even know her father. Why can't I give her the love she deserves? She's the innocent one. Am I wrong? -- YEARNING TO KNOW HER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR YEARNING TO KNOW HER: No, you are right. You can give Zoe the love and attention she deserves if you refuse to allow your son and daughter-in-law to blackmail you. I'm sure the girl would appreciate knowing that someone from her father's side of the family thinks she's worth getting to know.
It's shameful that your son blames her for an incident that he'd rather forget, and frankly, it reflects poorly on him. However, while you can't control his behavior, you can control the way you react to it. Do what you think is right.
DEAR ABBY: Please say something to the clueless herd who have never been taught not to ask personal questions.
I have been asked everything -- my age, weight, height, income, religion and what I paid for everything I own. I was once even asked if I had ever had serious marital problems.
Are people not taught common manners anymore? Everyone who asked me was well over 21 and should have known better. Please tell people how ignorant they sound, and how dumbfounded polite people can be when this situation comes up.
Oh! And while you're at it, please tell them to keep the details of their sex lives to themselves. -- HORRIFIED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HORRIFIED: To get to the heart of your letter -- your question about whether people are taught common manners anymore -- the answer, sadly, is no, very often they are not.
For anyone who is not aware, the questions listed in paragraph two of "Horrified's" letter are all off-limits as being overly personal. And unless someone is confiding in a trusted friend, to describe the details of one's sex life can be extremely embarrassing to the listener.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Ancient Indiscretion Causes Wife Present Day Pain
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married eight years. Six months before we met, he had a one-night stand with his brother's girlfriend -- now his brother's wife. His brother was present and involved, if you know what I mean. I am no saint by any means, but this is information I wish he had never told me because now I can't stand the sight of either of them.
My husband has never cheated on me or asked me to have a threesome or anything like that. He worships the ground I walk on and is the perfect mate, very sensitive about my feelings. He has told me he wishes it had never happened, and he feels ashamed.
We live in a small town. I see his brother and his wife all the time and, of course, at all the family gatherings. I have to get over this somehow. I know it's in the past and it was before me, but I get so upset every time I see either one of them that I just want to go off. Please help me. -- NOT OVER IT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR NOT OVER IT: No one can blame you for finding these people repulsive, and what happened so long ago was no one's brightest moment -- including your husband's. However, because you must have regular contact with them, I do have a suggestion for you. Forgive them. If you do, it will cause less wear and tear on your soul than what you have been putting yourself through.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with jealousy. I lash out at my boyfriend over minor things, like not coming home within an hour or so of when he says he will, not giving me the passwords to his e-mail accounts, etc.
Is this a real problem I should get help for? He hasn't given me any reason to think he would be unfaithful. I just have these uncontrollable urges. It's tearing apart our relationship, and I don't know how to overcome these feelings. Any help would be so appreciated. -- GREEN-EYED MONSTER IN TEXAS
DEAR GREEN-EYED: Your problem isn't jealousy, it is insecurity, and if it's destroying your relationship, then you must figure out the reason for it. If you really need to check your boyfriend's e-mail and have him account for every moment he is away from you, something is wrong with the romance and its days are numbered. Because he has given you no reason to think he has been unfaithful, you are right to start looking in the mirror for the source of the problem. Some sessions with a psychologist will help you get to the bottom of it. Do it now.
DEAR ABBY: My brother is being married for the first time at the age of 69. His fiancee is 69, and it's also her first marriage.
They have been dating each other since the early '80s and maintained separate residences until seven years ago, when they moved in together. What kind of gift do I get them for their wedding? -- PERPLEXED IN POMONA
DEAR PERPLEXED: Ask the happy couple where they are registered for wedding gifts. But don't be surprised if they tell you that all they want are your blessings and good wishes, and that your presence at their nuptials is the only "present" for which they are asking.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)