For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM WORKS TO PICK UP PIECES AFTER AFFAIR SHATTERS HER FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I discovered that my partner of 14 years, "Curt," had been sleeping with my 20-year-old son, "Troy's," girlfriend, "Jenna." Our family is crushed at the betrayal; Curt crossed so many boundaries. We have a daughter together, and she considered Jenna her sister.
I hurt for myself as well as my son, who can't believe that the man who helped raise him would do this to him.
Jenna admits that the affair is half her fault. She had been sending Curt provocative photos of herself. Troy has forgiven her. When he told her he was still willing to work on their relationship, she ended it with Curt.
I have kicked my former partner out of the house. No one wants anything to do with him or Jenna. However, I told Troy I would support his desire to repair his relationship with her. I feel I owe it to him after what his "stepfather" did. My problem is, I'm having trouble actually doing it.
I am so conflicted! The holidays are nearly here and so is Troy's birthday. While I would like to accept Jenna for my son's sake, I hate her for having so little respect for me and my feelings that she'd have sex with the man I loved. -- TORN AND HURT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TORN AND HURT: Your feelings are valid. You were betrayed by your partner and your son's girlfriend. While you may, at some point, be able to "forgive" Jenna and accept her back into your life, the promise you made to your son was premature.
Rebuilding trust will take time, and everyone needs to be able to talk their feelings out. It would be better to do this with the help of a licensed family therapist who can mediate and guide you through the process. (It will be a process.)
Also, as much as your son may love this young woman, he should plan a long engagement and lots of premarital counseling before he finally ties the knot -- if he does at all.
DEAR ABBY: I have really only loved one woman. I don't think "Debra" ever realized it, even though we were friends. Since leaving high school 14 years ago, I have not been able to keep a relationship with a woman going for more than a few months. (I haven't seen Debra in nearly 16 years.)
I tried counseling, but it wasn't especially helpful. I have done Web searches and think I have finally located Debra. It appears that she's married. I don't really think I should contact her, but I have always wondered if she felt the same way about me.
I haven't been with anyone for five years. I have always thought about what might have been, even when I was in relationships. Please help me decide. I don't know if it is closure I'm looking for, or what. -- PINING IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.
DEAR PINING: What you're looking for is the realization of a high school fantasy, but what you're more likely in for is a cold dose of reality. Debra has moved on in her life, but you have not. You may have picked the wrong therapist or quit counseling too soon.
My advice is to stop trying to go back to high school and return to therapy before you waste any more time. You may have been spending far too much time living in the past. It's time to move on and start living in the here and now.
Voters Value Their Privacy in Heated Election Season
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in regard to the letter from "Registered Voter in North Carolina" (Sept. 23). I never tell anyone who I voted for, not even my husband (even though I usually tell him everything). It's not that I don't want him to know, but we respect each other's rights to voting privacy. We have lots of discussions about the candidates and issues, and both research them together. We have similar political views, and through our discussions we pretty much "know" who the other voted for.
I hate when people ask me who I am voting for, and I always decline to state. My husband went to war to protect our rights -- including the right to privacy -- and more people should respect them. -- GLOVERSVILLE, N.Y., VOTER
DEAR VOTER: Thank you for writing. I was pleased to hear from a large number of readers also stressing the importance of exercising our freedom to vote. I am sure I don't have to remind everyone how important it is to vote in the Nov. 4 national election. This is a crucial time in our nation's history. Your vote will affect generations to come, so make your voices heard. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I say you should be proud of your candidate of choice and say it! If someone refuses to say who they voted for, to me it seems like that person is ashamed to admit he or she supported this candidate instead of that one. If someone asks me who I voted for, I gladly let them know. -- PROUD SUPPORTER IN COLUMBUS
DEAR ABBY: When asked, I say, "I voted for the person I want to win." If the questioner persists, I say, "I don't discuss politics. My doctor says my blood pressure is too high as it is." -- MIDDLE OF THE ROAD IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I answer that question by telling people I voted for "the president," because whoever wins, I will support and pray that he/she makes the best decisions for me. I believe no matter who wins we must work together to overcome the problems we face. -- JANE IN JACKSONS GAP, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: The quickest way to get people to drop the subject is to reply, "Isn't it great that we live in a country with private ballots, so we cannot be persecuted or nagged for who we vote for?" The nosy person generally changes the subject after that. -- U.S. CITIZEN, OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a household in which my parents sat on opposite sides of the political fence. My mother had a very tactful way of shutting down conversations about personal politics by responding calmly, "We have a secret ballot in this country for a reason." -- ERIN IN INDEPENDENCE, MO.
DEAR ABBY: I have a simple answer when pollsters or friends ask who I voted for (or will vote for). I say: "I don't even tell my husband that. That's why there are curtains on the voting booth." That usually shuts 'em up. -- ANNA IN ALTON, N.H.
DEAR ABBY: When I'm asked the same personal question, I lean in close and ask in a whisper, "Can you keep a secret?" Of course, they always say "yes." Then I back away and reply, "So can I!" -- VOTING IN HASTINGS, NEB.
DEAR ABBY: I tell people I don't care how anyone votes, as long as EVERYONE votes. Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to have that privilege. -- ALEXXIA IN FRANKFORT, ILL.
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Stranger's Kindness Touches Woman During Son's Illness
DEAR ABBY: With Halloween approaching, I would like to share a young man's act of kindness that will stay with me forever.
In October 2005, my lively and energetic 7-year-old son, Matthew, was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor. After successfully completing treatment, he was back to his old self and happily making plans for the summer. Unfortunately, by the following summer his tumor was growing back, and there was nothing the doctors could do.
One evening in July we ordered a pizza to be delivered. Matthew told me that for Halloween he wanted to dress like a pizza delivery man, and asked if he could talk to the man when he came to the house. Because of the tumor, Matthew's speech was difficult to understand. His right side was paralyzed, and his body was swollen from steroids, so I was concerned about how the person would react. I was hesitant, but agreed.
When the delivery man arrived, I was shocked to see how young he was. I told him my son was sick but wanted to meet him because he wanted to dress like a pizza delivery man for Halloween. Without hesitation the young man came in and talked to Matthew about his job. He even gave Matthew his name tag to wear as part of his costume on Halloween. I was so impressed with that young man. He wasn't taken aback by my son's appearance, as so many of our adult friends had been, and he made Matthew so happy.
Matthew was in the hospital by Halloween, but he wore the man's pin on his hospital gown. It was my son's last Halloween, and I'm thankful that this young man was so caring and considerate. His name is Jeff, and his kindness should be an example to everyone. -- LINDA IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR LINDA: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. Your letter touched my heart. Thank you for writing to remind my readers and me what a difference a simple act of kindness can make in the life of another person.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and I detest my best friend's boyfriend, "Chip." He is racist, homophobic and sexist. He is also blatant about his opinions, whether or not people want to hear them. All of "Sadie's" other friends agree he's a complete jerk, and not only that, he takes up all her time.
Sadie is smart. She realizes Chip has those traits. Somehow she doesn't care about his defects and looks past them. I'm not really scared for her safety. Chip seems to be nice to her.
I can't stand to be around the guy, but that means I don't get to talk to my best friend most of the time. I am trying to be nice to Chip, and I have talked to Sadie about this, but nothing works! Please help. I'm at the end of my rope. -- DIVIDED FRIEND IN SANTA CRUZ, CALIF.
DEAR DIVIDED FRIEND: Accept the fact that your friend is distracted right now, and concentrate on your relationship with the other girls in your group. You might be able to arrange some alone time with Sadie if you invite her for a sleepover once in a while -- but understand that her main focus is on her boyfriend. Until Sadie realizes for herself that Chip's attitude and behavior are an embarrassment and a reflection on her, this situation won't change.
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