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Mom's Problem With Manners May Be Misplaced Priorities
DEAR ABBY: May I point out something to "Mannerly Mom in Cumberland" (July 23)? She's the woman who, after thanking someone, becomes offended when she hears, "No problem," rather than, "You're welcome."
In many languages, the literal response to "Thank you" translates to, "It was nothing." So a reply of "No problem" is not entirely inappropriate. In fact, it makes more sense to me than, "You're welcome," which I don't understand at all. I am welcome to what?
If "Mannerly Mom" is really worried about teaching her children proper manners, shouldn't she be more concerned that they DO respond in acknowledgement rather than insist that they use the proper words? To me, that would be a much more valuable lesson. -– DENNIS IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR DENNIS: According to Webster's New World Dictionary, "You're welcome" means, "You're under no obligation for the favor given." But allow me to share with you that the topic of whether it's appropriate to respond to a "Thank you" with "No problem" is one that energized more than a few of my older readers to say they find it offensive. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I never realized how often "No problem" was used until last year, when a speaker at our customer service seminar drew our attention to the issue. Since then, our company has set national standards against the use of "No problem," which has become a standard response to "Thank you."
I would like to suggest an alternative: "My pleasure," which conveys a completely different feeling. Saying this to customers makes them feel as though you were happy to be of service to them. -- JUST A NOTE FROM KANSAS
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that language is evolving, but one reason is that so many cultures are present -- and becoming more prevalent -- in the U.S. In Spanish, the literal translation of "de nada" is "It's nothing." Surprisingly, in England, "You're welcome" is not commonly used. I'm married to a Brit and found it strange that my flawlessly mannered mother-in-law would just smile and nod. My husband has taken to saying, "No worries," which is quite Australian. -- APRIL IN MAPLE GROVE, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: Here in the South, the common response to a thank you (especially with younger service-industry people) is "Uh-huh." Oh, how I long to hear "No problem." If I take the time to thank people for service, please make some effort to acknowledge my thanks. "Uh-huh" sounds absentminded, as though the speaker has already mentally moved on. -- PREFERS "NO PROBLEM"
DEAR ABBY: It has been my experience that young people use the phrase indiscriminately for every statement or question put to them. "No problem" -- like some four-letter words -- betrays a lack of vocabulary or unwillingness (born of laziness) to use more precise language. In addition, this response implies that the other party might have thought there was a possible problem when that implication was not intended. -- DANIEL IN KISSIMME, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: Your readers might be interested in the way "Thank you" is responded to in other countries. In England, there is no response. The service has been rendered, the server thanked, the transaction is complete. In French- or Spanish-speaking countries, the proper response is, "It's nothing." In Arabic-speaking countries it's, "No thanks for doing my duty," and in China it's, "No thanks are necessary." My favorite: When I said "Thank you" in my best Korean to a young Korean woman, she replied, "No problem!" -- INDIANA LINGUIST
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty. I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks. I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it. The sad thing is, everybody does it. People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.
I don't understand why people judge me based on what my parents gave me -- like my eyes or the shape of my lips. I mean, I know I could change my hair or wear makeup, but I can't change my genetics. Suggestions? -- PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR PLAIN OLD YOU: Absolutely. Good looks can be an asset. However, before you put yourself down anymore about what you inherited from your parents, it's important that you give yourself a reality check. Their appearance didn't prevent them from finding each other attractive and falling in love. Also, it takes some people longer to mature into their final "product" than it does others. In other words, the way you look now at age 12 isn't necessarily the way you will look by the middle or end of your teens.
While I believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the one before, not everyone will be a classic beauty. And beauty is a trait that's notorious for its short shelf life. That's why it is so important to develop your personality and your mind, so you will have tools for success later in life. This is the time you should do it, instead of worrying about who is dating whom in seventh grade. Believe me, your classmates' tastes will change -- and so will yours. That's what growing is all about.
It's far more important to concentrate on what you can do to better the world you live in than it is to worry that you might not be beautiful enough. When the right person comes along, he will be more interested in a collaborator than a trophy. Trust me on that, because it's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: You often print letters from parents who are baffled by how selfish and ungrateful their children are. They are hurt and perplexed because they believe they were the best parents anyone ever had.
It's time to take off the blinders. These parents are just as egocentric as the kids they raised. Their children are a direct byproduct of their upbringing. Kids don't turn lazy or selfish overnight. It is their parents' duty to teach them how to be caring, concerned and appreciative, but someone failed to teach them every step of the way. Somehow, they repeatedly showed their children that it was OK to treat others badly and that they, as parents, deserve no appreciation.
Parents: If a student hasn't learned, then the teacher hasn't taught. If the method you have used to teach someone has failed, then it's up to you to do something differently and try again -- or to accept your failure and make the best of the situation. -- ONE WHO KNOWS
DEAR ONE WHO KNOWS: Your point is well-taken, although you may be overly harsh in your assumption about the parents' motivation. I agree that some parents fail to assert themselves because it's the "easy way out" instead of laying down the law when discipline is needed. However, when parents have had a difficult childhood, they sometimes have a tendency to "overcorrect" in the opposite direction, trying to make sure their children don't have the same experience. And that is why they do too much, give too much and fail to teach their children consequences or how to achieve true independence.
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Woman Resists Half Sister's Effort to Make a Connection
DEAR ABBY: My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do? -- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK
DEAR DISCONCERTED: Thank you for asking. I think you should take your half-sister up on her offer and meet her. She's right -- she had nothing to do with the unhappy ending to your parents' marriage.
While I can understand your anger and bitterness, please try to keep an open mind and go with no expectations. This woman may -- or may not -- be the most sensitive of the bunch, and it will be interesting to find out why she reached out to you. As I see it, you have nothing to lose, and she may be able to give you a new perspective.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "George," and I have been living together about five years. We both have children from previous relationships. My daughter is 11; George's daughter, "Sophie," is 8. She doesn't live with us, but George has her every other weekend.
I'm sad to say that after all these years, I hardly know Sophie. Most of George's weekends with her are spent at his mother's lakefront cottage. This hurts my feelings.
I have told George numerous times that I would like to be more involved in his daughter's life. We plan on being married someday, which would make me Sophie's stepmother. George tells me that because he doesn't see Sophie that often, he would like it to be quality time. I involve him in everything in my life, and I would like him to do the same. What should I do? -- UNWANTED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR UNWANTED: I suspect that your gentleman friend's reluctance to involve you in his daughter's life goes beyond the idea that it might negatively affect his "quality time" with her.
After all this time, he should have begun integrating you into Sophie's life, if he planned on marrying you any time in the foreseeable future. It is possible that his reluctance may have something to do with the wishes of her mother, who may have insisted when visitation began that the child be separated from you. Not knowing George or his ex it's difficult to project what might be going on. But you should definitely find out -- the sooner the better -- because you deserve some straight answers.
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