What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter's School Woes Are Caused by Disorder of Sight
DEAR ABBY: Please help me get the word out about a common condition that severely affects children's ability to succeed in school because it inhibits reading, spelling and concentration.
My daughter, who was obviously bright, tested at first-grade reading level in fifth grade. She had undergone all the school testing for learning disabilities, plus two days of testing at a respected university hospital. None of these tests or specialists revealed what could be wrong with her.
My child's self-esteem suffered. Her confidence faltered; she began acting out in school. At home she was a great kid, until it came time for schoolwork. Then the battles began. She thought she was dumb. When studying, she could read for only a very short time. She often begged me to read things to her. When working on spelling and assigned to rewrite the words she missed five times, she often recopied them wrong. We thought she just wasn't trying.
After much research on the Internet, I came across a disorder called "convergence insufficiency disorder." This visual condition is the leading cause of eyestrain. Fortunately, we had the opportunity to have her tested at the Mayo Clinic, where her condition was confirmed, and she was successfully treated with vision therapy.
It was as though a miracle had occurred. After six months of treatment, my daughter is almost at her age-appropriate reading level. Her comprehension and retention have markedly increased, and her self-esteem and attitude about reading are much better.
Children with this condition will not benefit from tutoring, special education or extra help from teachers until the condition is diagnosed and treated. My child had 20/20 vision and still had this disorder. It's not routinely checked with eye exams, and schools don't test for it.
I suspect that many children out there are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed and going untreated. The treatment for convergence insufficiency disorder is noninvasive, effective, and much of it can be done at home. Please help me get the word out so other families won't have to go through what we experienced. -- ANGIE W. IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ANGIE: I am pleased to help you get the word out to other families whose children are struggling to learn. After reading your letter, I contacted my experts at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., and was informed that this problem, where the eyes drift too much inward (or outward) in attempting to focus, can also be present in adults.
The symptoms can include eyestrain, headaches, blurred vision, sleepiness and trouble retaining information when reading. Other symptoms associated with convergence insufficiency include a "pulling" sensation around the eyes, the rubbing or closing of one eye when reading, words seeming to "jump" or "float" across the page, needing to reread the same line of words, frequent loss of place, general inability to concentrate and short attention span.
The good news is: Vision exercises can fix the problem in most cases, some done at home and some performed in-office with a vision therapist. Prism glasses are another option; however, they are more often prescribed for adults with this disorder than for children.
Return to Maiden Name Will Let Now Single Mom Move On
DEAR ABBY: I am separated from my husband of three years and have a beautiful 2-year-old son. Initially, I thought I'd retain my married name, but the more I've been thinking about it, what harm would it do if I changed it? Is it really going to be that confusing or upsetting to explain to my son? After all, I will always be "Mom" to him, and nothing will change that.
I would love to take my maiden name back and put my husband and this chapter of my life with him behind me. However, we have a son who will always carry his father's name. Is it selfish of me to consider reverting back to my maiden name? -- MRS. SCORNED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR MRS. SCORNED: Not in my opinion. Thirty years ago, thinking on the subject was different. However, today, with so many women retaining their maiden names after marriage, what you have in mind is not unusual. I say, go for it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 16-year-old son who got into trouble with the law. He is on probation until September. The problem is, he is still causing trouble and starting fights.
I am afraid of what will happen to his younger brother, who is 10 and has Down syndrome. We live in a new neighborhood, and I don't want our house to get hit by gangs. -- FRANTIC MOM IN SASKATOON
DEAR FRANTIC MOM: If your older son is still causing trouble and starting fights, then he is breaking probation. In order to protect your younger boy -- and yourself -- his probation officer should be notified.
Ideally, your older son should receive some professional counseling to help him deal with his anger issues -- some of which may stem from the fact that his younger brother needs so much of your attention. Please see that he gets help before his behavior escalates to the point where someone is seriously injured.
DEAR ABBY: My 26-year-old son, "Luke," has been engaged for a year and is being married in October. My 24-year-old son, "Elijah," has just announced that he will ask his girlfriend to marry him, and he would like to be married in August.
Would it be improper for him to be married before his brother, who has had his wedding scheduled for quite some time? -- BOYS' MOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR MOM: I wouldn't be surprised if Luke and his fiancee viewed it as an attempt to upstage them and resented it. Also, if Elijah and his girlfriend are planning a formal wedding, it might create a problem for relatives who might have to pay for travel and lodging for two weddings two months apart.
I recommend that unless there is a compelling reason for him to be married in August, that Elijah postpone his wedding until the following year.
DEAR ABBY: Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy? I am a 29-year-old woman who wants to go back to school and get a degree. The gentleman making the offer is an older man I met and befriended several years ago.
What if there is no sex involved? What if he is simply a generous benefactor of a cause -- the cause being me and my educational future? -- AMBIVALENT IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.
DEAR AMBIVALENT: If there is no sex involved and he is simply a generous benefactor, then he is not a "sugar daddy." He is your mentor, and you'd be foolish not to accept his generosity.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Happily Married Woman Still Misses Lover Who Never Was
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Garth," and I have been happily married for more than three years and have an infant son. Five years before I began dating Garth, I became friends with a man I'll call Herb. After a few years, we grew very close. Herb and I acted more like a couple than mere friends, escorting each other to parties, carrying on hour-long late-night phone chats before saying goodnight, finding excuses to be close and to touch, and a mutual jealousy of any potential suitors for either of us.
Eventually, I realized I had fallen in love with him, but I didn't tell him for fear of ruining my relationship with my best friend. While I was never certain, I suspected that Herb felt the same way about me. Except for a few occasional kisses and tender moments, however, our relationship remained strictly platonic.
As the years went on, I grew restless. It became apparent that even if Herb did have feelings for me, he would never act on them. It was at this point that Garth entered my life. He was wonderful to me, and I knew it would be unfair to both of us to continue the friendship with Herb, so I consciously let our friendship slip away while I fell in love with Garth.
Today, my life with Garth is happy and fulfilling, and I know that he is the love of my life. Despite this, I still miss the close relationship I had with Herb. While I would never attempt to contact Herb, I feel as if I am emotionally cheating on Garth because Herb crosses my mind several times a day, and I feel the absence of what was my best friend. These constant memories make me feel guilty. How can I find emotional closure from my past relationship? -- NEEDS CLOSURE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NEEDS CLOSURE: It will take time and understanding on your part that unfertilized romances such as the one you had with Herb can be hard to shake. Anyone who has had a relationship of the duration and type you have described has similar feelings -- and these feelings can "pop up" when we least expect them. (It's almost like the craving for a cigarette, long after a person has quit smoking.)
My advice is to stop feeling guilty about your feelings. Herb was the center of your life for a long time, and in a way he became "imprinted" in your electrical circuitry. This does not mean you are still in love with him, or that you are betraying your husband because Herb pops into your consciousness. Furthermore, the harder you try to suppress it, the more he will appear.
So please, remind yourself every time that Herb "appears" why the relationship ended. He was not your Prince Charming. He was your learning experience on the way to finding happiness, preparing you for the man you finally married.
DEAR ABBY: What is the appropriate gift to present to your boyfriend's parents upon the first meeting? I am visiting my boyfriend's parents in their home several hours from our own, and was wondering what the polite and appropriate gift would be. I have never met his parents before this visit, and I'm unsure what etiquette calls for. -- CHRISTINE IN CHAPEL HILL, N.C.
DEAR CHRISTINE: Typical gifts for the host and/or hostess include candy, assorted nuts (unless an allergy to them runs in the family) or flowers. And after your visit is over, a prompt, handwritten note, detailing how much you enjoyed meeting them and thanking them for their hospitality, would be the proper gesture of appreciation.
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